Archives for June 2015

Talking About Sex vs. Mind Reading — 5 Reasons Why Talking is Best

June 24, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

lady bug sex 1 It’s no secret that the sex life you and your partner share plays a big role in how happy, safe, and loved you feel in your relationship. There’s even more to the story of sex than feeling physically good. Sex is a (very enjoyable) ritual of connection, drawing you and your partner into each other’s world.

So when it comes to twisting the sheets with your spouse, don’t be shy—talk about it! If you commit to being open with your partner about how you’re feeling in the bedroom, navigating a sometimes tricky subject can open you up to greater intimacy, not conflict (phew!*).

If you’re unsure or afraid of talking about sex, and usually find yourself mind reading instead, here are five great reasons to change tactics.

1. Mind reading won’t give you answers.

When it comes to figuring out what your partner likes in bed, talking gives you answers, while mind-reading yields guesses. If you’re not talking about sex, and jump to conclusions instead, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios can overwhelm you. You could start to feel really alone in your relationship or frustrated that you are not getting what you need. Talking about sex helps you avoid mistaking assumptions for truth.

2. Talking opens you up to another kind of intimacy.

Romantic intimacy is all about vulnerability. Part of the reason sex can so powerfully connect you to your partner is that it requires opening up, and accepting your partner’s vulnerability too. You might be more comfortable seducing your partner than talking about how, when, and why you do it, as touch can sometimes feel safer than words. But by sharing your vulnerable feelings, intimacy becomes even deeper.

So talk about it—how do you feel when your partner touches you? What would you like to do more of? Talking reinforces that your shared sex life is a relationship, not just an occasional meeting.

3. Your partner can still surprise you.

It might seem like after all these years, you know how to push your partner’s buttons, when to push them, and for how long. You might have a bedroom routine or even that is gone now. Sometimes you try to spice things up to keep the spark alive, but the spice you add often becomes awkward too. Or, maybe you feel like you’ve learned everything there is to know about the person who shares your bed.

In truth, your partner’s needs and preferences can change over time. They might want something in bed they never considered until now. The only way to take the temperature of your partner’s desires is to ask.

4. When you talk about sex, both of your needs are on the table.

If you’re unhappy with how things have been playing out in the bedroom, you can start to feel disconnected—like maybe your partner doesn’t understand you. If you’re tight-lipped about the tension, all the things you’re feeling build up. “This isn’t fair,” you might think, after your partner denies your advances a few times in a row.

When you talk about sex, both of your needs are out in the open. You might learn that your partner simply needs a different kind of foreplay to feel interested. You might surprise your partner with what turns you on too.

5. Talking is proactive.

If your sex life is feeling a little tense, talking about it can add fuel to frustrated fires. If you talk about sex when things are good, you set the stage for working together when things get tough. Talking about how you’re feeling prevents miscommunication from coming between you and your partner. So get out there and get busy!

Filed Under: couples counseling, Oakland, purpose, romance, sex, sexual intimacy Tagged With: Couples, healing, oakland, sex, therapy

Father’s Day: How to Celebrate the Caregiver in Him!

June 16, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

fathers day (2) There’s more to celebrate about Father’s Day now than ever. Research finds that dads are spending more time with their kids today, than they did at any other time, hooray! Chances are good that you know one of those great dads yourself.

When you and your partner became a family, you possibly fell in love with him all over again, watching him as the father of your little ones too. Seeing the vulnerability and care your husband shows to your kids can fill you with admiration and joy.

Each father demonstrates the love he has for his family in different ways. Maybe he cooks breakfast, and gets the kids ready for school. Maybe he puts in extra hours at work (sigh*) to finance a special family trip.

Regardless of how your partner shows his love for you and for your kids, Father’s Day is a great time to celebrate him in your lives.

Are you struggling to plan the perfect Father’s Day for him? Here are a few tips to get the ball rolling.

1. No pressure

If you’re aiming for a perfect Father’s Day, you can let yourself off the hook and still give him something he—and you!—could really use: a day free of chores and agendas. By now, you probably both know that one of the most elusive things to find as a parent is a little bit of relaxation.

Wake up and spend the morning—usually the family rush hour—together as a family. Tell your favorite stories about dad. There’s a lot of social pressure these days to be the perfect parent; take the pressure off by letting your partner know he’s already doing a wonderful job.

2. Family time

Your partner probably does a lot as a caregiver, whether it’s working around the house, putting in long hours at the office, or maybe picking up groceries for the week. When he’s so busy caring for others, what he needs for Father’s Day might not have a price tag at all: time together as a family.

It can be easy to get so sidetracked with plans you’ve made for a great Father’s Day that you miss out on time together. Take a family-sized blanket to one of Oakland’s favorite parks, or go for a walk. Even sharing stories after a simple dinner can be a recipe for an unforgettable Father’s Day.

3. Romance

Show your partner how much he means to you by honoring parenthood as a journey you’re on together. You can romance your husband in a lot of different ways—adore him, “show, don’t tell.” Remember men are less verbal than women.

4. Give attention

When it comes to Father’s Day, it’s tempting to plan everything out ahead of time. After all, you want this day to be special. What might make him even happier is being able to choose how he most wants to spend the day. Share what he loves with him, find out what he’s excited about.

5. Pile on the praise

Between juggling work, your kids’ school and sports, and different social responsibilities (whew!*), you might not always find the time to let your partner know how much respect you have for him as a father. Make Father’s Day a special time of showing appreciation. You can make a short family video or hang up a banner with the kids. Tell him what you most love about being parents together.

Filed Under: babies, communication, couples, family, fathers, health, healthy relationship, love

The Same Argument Every Day? 5 Ways to Stop the Fight

June 9, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

After living with your partner for a while, you fall into co Add subtitle text mfortable patterns. Sometimes, the patterns come to feel like home in and of themselves; you feel cared for and safe. Everything seems to be going well (sits back and relaxes*). You’re not out of the woods yet, though (sits back up*). Communication between you and your partner can also start to look pretty routine. Unfortunately, at certain points in your relationship, conflicts can keep popping up again and again too—often about seemingly trivial things. “Why can’t we move past this?” you wonder.

Whether you’ve lived here in Oakland all your life, or are from somewhere halfway across the world, anyone can get stuck using the same language with your spouse and using a pattern of not really hearing each other.

The good news is that you can stop the fight without stopping all the good stuff too (phew!*). It just might take some extra work.

When arguments become repetitive, a few things have probably happened: You’re angry not just about what’s happening now, but also about the memory of the last fight. And your fuse is so short, it feels much easier to spar with each other than to talk.

5 Steps to End the Eternal Fight

1. Take a seat

If you and your partner have been arguing about your workloads around the house, the next time your partner doesn’t unload the dishwasher, feelings of blame and unfairness can crop up immediately. You might feel like you just want to get all your anger out while it’s boiling. Taking a “time-out” to sit down with each other gives you a few moments to collect yourselves, and it makes resolving the conflict your central focus.

2. Disagree as a team

When you and your partner argue, it’s all too easy to let the disconnect take center stage. Maybe you say hurtful things to each other, not caring in the moment how the remark might land. If you commit to sticking together even when you’re fighting, showing flashes of affection amidst the hail storm, it often becomes less about who’s right or wrong, and more about moving on together.

3. Take responsibility

Sometimes when you’re arguing with your partner or spouse, it can be tempting to immediately say “no!” to all accusations, even if the angry words belie some kernel of truth. When you take responsibility for the things you really have done or said, you stop the verbal ping-pong, and start moving toward something that looks a little less like anger, and a little more like discussion.

4. Find the subtext

Seemingly trivial arguments about chores or social commitments are often the tip of much murkier icebergs. It makes sense that if you assume the worst about your partner, you’d be pretty upset. Rather than jumping to a conclusion about your spouse’s motivations, be inquisitive. Be inquisitive about your own motivations and feelings too. Explain that you’re not really angry about a dirty dish, it’s more that you feel like you often have to retrace his steps for him.

5. Find solutions

When you and your partner are left to your own emotional devices, you might get so caught up in arguing that you don’t get to the best part—moving forward. Offer up solutions, even if you’re not sure they’ll work. Show your partner that working on your life together is always your main goal (riding into sunset*).

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, love, romance Tagged With: Arguments, Family, marriage, Relationship Solutions, Subtext, team

Lasting Marriages: When the Courtship Never Ends

June 3, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

In an ideal world, w Espresso Shot (2) hen you’re planning on getting married, “what if we end up divorcing?” isn’t a question that crosses your mind. But we live in the real world, a world where the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that 6.8 people out of 1,000 get married and 3.6 out of 1,000 get divorced. That’s just over half of all married people! I also think its ok to have the question cross your mind, because that means you are serious about the commitment.

So how can you make sure your marriage is a lasting one? Friends and family will probably give you lots of advice, solicited or otherwise. Let’s check in with some couples who have been married 50 years, and hear what worked for them. Although things have changed dramatically since 1963, its always a good thing to check in and see what you can learn from people who came before you.

Three tips from three Oakland, CA couples married in 1963:

1. Never go to bed mad.

Stewing over your anger for too long can lead to bitterness, or compounding the issue at hand with other things, making it into a bigger deal than it was. Better to address differences sooner, rather than later. Plus, you’ll get a better night’s sleep!

2. Find a way to laugh together every day.

Laughing together brings you closer. Scientific research has shown that laughter produces endorphins, those chemicals in your body that make you “feel good.” A 1990 study in the International Journal of Aging & Human Development found that couples who had been married for several decades listed “a sense of humor” among their top three reasons for their relationship’s success.

3. Be able to say “yes, Dear.”

Some things are more important than always having the last word, or always expressing your opinions. Simply saying “yes, dear” rather than “yes, dear, but…” is harder than it sounds. Communication is important, but so is knowing when to just let the other person have their say.

If you’re already doing these things, what else should you keep in mind to make your marriage strong? Here are some other ideas.

One plus one does not equal one.

There’s no such thing as a soulmate, that is, someone who is a perfect match. It’s better to think about being complementary, rather than about being “one and the same.” There will certainly be differences between you and your loved one, from minor lifestyle choices like food preferences, to bigger ones like how to raise children. The great thing about being in a relationship is being able to see the world in a different way, through someone else’s eyes. Instead of trying to fit someone into a template, cherish the different perspectives he or she has to offer.

No one’s perfect.

Expecting smooth sailing almost ensures you’ll have trouble when you hit some bumpy water. On the scale of easy to difficult, relationships surely measure up more toward the latter than the former. No one is perfect, not even the love of your life, the apple of your eye. Exercising forgiveness over small things is a good habit to get into. It helps develop creative problem-solving skills that might come in handy for whatever happens down the road.

Communication is key.

Everyone’s heard this one before, but it’s so important that it bears repeating. Be sure to listen to your partner, even when you disagree with his or her point of view. It shows respect.

Marriage should not be the death of courtship.

Here’s one last tip. Don’t stop “dating” when you get married. This is another one you’ve probably heard before, but it’s so easy to get stuck in the mindset of everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, work, and caring for children, that sometimes we all need to take a step back and examine our relationship from a distance. When you first start seeing someone, you are each trying to “win over” the other. Your spouse or spouse-to-be probably fell in love with you because you have compatible goals and dreams and you also made him or her feel special. So keep being that person! Make time to un-bog yourself from the daily demands of life and spend regular quality time together. Cast off your worries for an evening, and just have fun!

Filed Under: arguing, communication, couples, couples counseling, divorce, health, healthy relationship, purpose, romance Tagged With: advice, arguing, commitment, courtship, laughter, life, love, marriage

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