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Archives for March 2017

Intimacy Impaired? 6 Solutions for Out-of-Sync Couples

March 28, 2017 by kellymontgomerymft

Sexual intimacy is the one thing that makes the relationship with your partner different. It’s more than a friendship. It’s more than a family connection. This is the one person with whom you are physically intimate.

Intimacy is a strong bond for couples. And a source of joy. 

But what happens when there is trouble in the sex department? What if you end up being a couple that is ‘intimacy impaired’?

You need help. Fast. Before impairment becomes resentment, disconnection, and anxiety provoking. Here are 6 solutions for out-of-sync couples who need to get together again soon:

1. Stay on the road to intimacy

For most couples, intimacy doesn’t just ‘fall from the sky’. Maybe it feels like that when you are a teenager (nudge, nudge). But even then that’s not the whole truth. Something else needs to happen first. Something that puts you in the mood. Something that makes you feel attracted to your partner.

Intimacy only works if you want it. And it works best if you really, really want it and are committed to finding creative, honest, and possibly therapeutic ways back to each other! Do you know what turns your partener on?

2. Master sex

If you’ve seen the popular Showtime TV  series ‘Masters of Sex’, you will know about this already. Real-life therapists William Masters and Virginia Johnson worked for decades with couples who had become ‘intimacy impaired’. They developed a whole protocol to help them. Their main program, the ‘Sensate Focus’, takes couples through a series of exercises that enhance the sensual experience. This program was very successful in reconnecting couples in their intimacy and may be worth exploring.

3. Prioritize sensual experiences

Sensual experiences are all about togetherness without engaging in sexual intercourse. Take time to touch and kiss each other often. Learn to slow life down for the sake of exploring the entire landscape of each other’s bodies. Consciously make a lot of eye contact and affirm your attraction and connection.

4. Discover the clitoris

When we talk about ‘out of sync’ couples, there is no way around the clitoris. The biggest human sexual organ. It’s much bigger than the penis, but only the tip of it is visible. And it’s important to recognize how vital it is to enjoyable intimacy.

A majority of women experience sexual arousal through their clitoris. And clitoral stimulation takes time. The clitoris is often the most important factor in overcoming ‘impaired intimacy’. It can be a lot of fun to learn and experiment with it. Plus, it gives the female partner a lot of much needed attention!

5. Prioritize adventure and exploration

Humans are programmed to get excited by new experiences. That’s true in sex as well as in all other games we play together. Intimacy impaired couples often find that adventure and exploration rekindle their sex lives. Take your intimacy to different places in terms of location and activity.

If there is something new that you’ve never tried before, suggest it to your partner! Or why not take an intimate play time vacation and make exciting memories? Oakland has many opportunities both for exploration and for adventures. Clubs, parties, romantic locations, and lots of nature.

6. Talk

One of the most important ways to get you into sync again is to talk to each other. Talking about sex is not dirty. It is not shameful. On the contrary, it is a way of being intimate, all by itself.

Talk about what you want. Talk about what you find difficult. Be sensitive. Be honest. Practice non-violent communication! For example, if you are hoping to explore new intimate adventures, say so!  Talk to synchronize your thoughts and bodies more and more.

Talking about sex also means talking about emotions. Discussions about hopes, dreams and fears stimulate intimate mental connections. Sharing your life together deeply and frequently makes intimacy more likely. Yes, it can get exciting and arousing. But it can also be very deep and bring you close together in another way.

Intimacy ebbs and flows in a couple’s life together. Whatever happens, communicate! Intimacy blooms better when you work at staying connected.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

How to Get Close, Stay Close, and Like It: A Guy’s Guide

March 14, 2017 by kellymontgomerymft

Most men would love to be in a relationship. But many men are also afraid of being in a relationship. Some men don’t even realize that they have this issue – they just find one reason after another not to become too intimate.

If you are looking for help in intimacy, therapy can be very successful. It can help you to understand what is going on, and help you with identifying the underlying issues, including traumatic experiences from the past, that prevent you from enjoying intimacy today.

Here are a few steps in a guy’s guide to intimacy

Get close

Letting your guard down

If you wear your armor, if you have a weapon ready at all times, if you are alert to the danger of being invaded – well, then you have your guard up.

Nobody can hurt you. And nobody can touch you.

The first step towards getting close to someone else is to let them touch you. Physically and emotionally.

Think about it: this person is not an enemy.

Showing emotions

 Boys are often taught not to show emotions. But men still have feelings! Sometimes these feelings can even be stronger because they are hidden away. Most of all, getting close to another person involves outwardly expressing emotions.

If you have always been told not to show your feelings, you may be nervous when others show them. It might even be a reason to push them away. Maybe those ‘clingy’ women you knew were really just showing their feelings and it was up to you to respond by showing them yours.

If you have a lot of trouble with this, there are Oakland-Berkeley Men’s Groups that may also help you get accustomed to showing emotions and expressing them in a safe space.

Being a man

Men are told to ‘be a man’. That’s the most important thing in life. And the fear of being thought ‘unmanly’ immediately brings that guard back up.

However, there are many ways to be a man. Becoming cold and distant out of fear is only one of them, and is it really? It is the one that keeps you from intimacy.

Taking the big risk

Once you have your guard down, once you let somebody touch you, you are taking a big risk. That’s real. Yes, you can be hurt. Yes, you can inadvertently hurt someone else.

But, once you get close, who knows what may happen.

Stay close

Letting someone else know you

When you have decided to take that big risk and let somebody touch you, they will know who you are. You won’t be able to keep up a façade. They will know how you act, in bed, in the morning, after a hard day at work.

You will need to overcome your fear of giving that knowledge away. Yes, knowledge is also power. It’s just what happens in intimate relationships.

Getting hurt (that big risk!)

And when you stay close to someone, at some point, you will get hurt. It’s inevitable.

Are you man enough to take that risk? Can you tolerate that pain and transform it into the foundation of a long lasting partnership? Just like when you’re working out in the Bay Club or at 24 hour gym you’re building muscle.

Sharing

Remember when you were a toddler and asked to share?

You knew the joy of sharing then, before you were told to be an alpha male and take more than you gave away to others.

An intimate partnership is all about sharing. And sharing is a skill – just ask the toddler inside you! You can learn it every day. And it will bring you a lot of enjoyment.

Being a man

Taking the risk of intimacy is a big bold thing to do. It takes a lot of courage. You’ll be in charge of your love life, instead of being ruled by fear.

Like being close

Being connected

Try it. Feeling intimately connected to another person gives you a place where you belong. In addition, it expands your ability to feel and empathize. And it surpasses any connection you might have with a pet, or a place, or even with a friend.

Feeling your heart

No, that’s not a soppy romantic phrase. When you start to like intimacy, you will also discover more about what is going on in your own heart.

The joy of intimacy

… just like the ground-breaking book ‘The Joy of Sex’ that made it easier for people to talk about their erotic desires and explore them, the joy of intimacy comes with talking and listening. Listen to your partner and also to your therapist along the way.

Being a man

Being a man means being human. To experience the full range of being human. Getting close, staying close and liking to be close and intimate with someone else is a vital part of that experience.

Give yourself a chance to go for it. If you aren’t already interested in someone special, Oakland has a very rich and varied dating scene. Out there is a person looking for closeness and intimacy who may already be waiting for you.

Filed Under: communication, couples counseling, healthy relationship, is she the one, life coaching, love, men's couseling, ready fro change, romance, self help, sexual intimacy

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Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

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