Healing Happens Therapy

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From Infidelity to Intimacy. Why it’s Possible How to Get There.

October 24, 2017 by kellymontgomerymft

Intimacy between partners evolves naturally. There are many good and exciting reasons for this. Unfortunately, in some cases, loss of intimacy can come about due to a crisis like an infidelity. There is too much guilt, shame, anger, doubt, and uncertainty to even contemplate intimacy.

At first, this will likely be the case. However, if you are part of a couple who opted to stay together, this issue will ease back into your daily consciousness in time.

Is Intimacy Possible After Infidelity?

The short answer is “yes.” The longer answer depends on each couple—their foundation, goals, and individual personalities. It also is rooted in how couples define and express intimacy. Our society might lump it all under the decidedly un-helpful label of “having sex.” In reality, we all know intimacy is an evolving, eye-of-the-beholder concept.

Intimacy can be broken into these broad categories:

  • Intellectual
  • Spiritual
  • Emotional
  • Financial
  • Recreational
  • Physical

Within each of these categories, the variations are endless. For the purposes of this post, we’ll focus physical intimacy. As you’ll see, however, they tend to blur into each other!

How to Move Towards Post-Infidelity Intimacy

1. Start with communication

Even if infidelity were not a factor, you’d start with communication. But since a betrayal has occurred, this becomes doubly important. Schedule time to talk about your feelings and needs. Make sure you listen and make sure you’re heard.

2. Laugh together

It’s been said that shared laughter is erotic. This option encompasses almost all the intimacy forms listed above. Get back to having fun. It helps re-connect you and goes a long way to bringing back the spark and desire. Make a date for a night at Comedy Oakland!

3. Don’t rely on pornography to “jump start” things

Internet porn does not encourage intimacy. It does quite the opposite. Your intimate life is your own to invent, re-invent, and define. Steer clear of extreme imagery and scripted action. Allow your imaginations to conjure up new ideas and directions.

4. Don’t relegate “foreplay” to a side note

We’re often conditioned to see intercourse and orgasm as sexual goals. Without them, it’s not sex. As you transition back into intimacy, let go of such conditioning. Use this as an opportunity to learn and grow.

5. Appreciate the “little” things

Holding hands, a gentle touch, sustained eye contact, or a kiss on the forehead—the list is infinite. Don’t overlook or underestimate the role these moments and gestures of intimacy play in your reconnection. After infidelity, it’s not a countdown to how soon you get naked. It’s an endless journey of small steps. Appreciate each one.

6. Maintain an open mind

Intimacy is not a destination. It’s a process. Like any process, it requires your attention and flexibility. It’s important to set boundaries. However, remain open to other’s needs and desires.

7. Be patient

A painful betrayal occurred. To act as if it is easy to bounce back is counterproductive. Do not set any deadlines or create any more pressure than already exists.

Seeking Help to Make the Commitment

There are many variables that can influence a couple impacted by betrayal. One universal factor is confusion. Where do we start? What if I change my mind and need more time? How do I know if he’s thinking about me or the affair partner

All of these (and much more) are valid questions that may require guidance when seeking answers. That’s why, so often, the two partners commit to couples counseling. Those weekly sessions are where everything is brought out in the open. In such an environment, the transition from infidelity to intimacy becomes possible.

Filed Under: Affair, Uncategorized

After Infidelity: Can Trust be Rebuilt?

July 14, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

How do you reskiss lapel (2)pond when someone asks you what makes your relationship great?

You might say that trust—opening yourself up fully to another person—and comfort are what make your romantic partnership mean so much. You know each other like you know yourselves.

So what happens when trust and emotional safety are compromised by one partner’s infidelity? If you’ve been cheated on, you’re familiar with feelings of bewilderment, fear, sadness and anger.

Maybe you’ve spent more time than you’d like thinking about the person your partner cheated with. It’s painful to imagine that someone else has intimate knowledge of your marriage.

Maybe for you, infidelity spells the end of your partnership—you’ve packed your bags because you feel like there’s nothing left to salvage. On the other hand, infidelity doesn’t always seem like the end. What if you still have feelings for your partner? Can the two of you repair the wreckage?

If both you and your partner are willing to work to find your way back together, trust can be rebuilt (flexes emotional muscles*).

How do you rebuild trust after infidelity?

It probably took a long time to fully trust each other in the first place; it’ll take a while to rebuild that trust too. The journey back together will likely be confusing and uncertain at times. As you’re struggling through the sometimes frightening in-between space separating your marriage before infidelity, and your marriage after cheating, there are a few—hopefully helpful—things to keep in mind:

· For the one who cheated: Take responsibility

If you cheated, you might have minimized the significance of your infidelity by telling yourself your partner wouldn’t find out. Maybe you were unhappy with certain things in your marriage. Or maybe your marriage was great—it’s just that you were struggling with old feelings of insecurity, or with attraction to another person.

Acknowledge your actions and choices. Acknowledge the pain your partner feels. Taking responsibility often means sorting through your own feelings about why you cheated, and what your needs are now.

· For the one who was cheated on: Trust yourself

Being cheated on can be so painful because your anger and hurt aren’t limited to your partner—you might be mad at yourself too. “How did I not see this coming?” you may wonder. Know that it’s okay to trust your own feelings; they probably make a lot of sense.

If you feel right about staying in the relationship, it’ll be much easier to move forward than if you’re questioning yourself, and your instincts, with every step.

· For the one who cheated: Be honest

If you’ve cheated on your partner, your honesty is one of the key ingredients missing from your marriage. You partner probably has a lot of questions for you: “What were you thinking?” “Why him?” “What did I do wrong?”

It’s important for your partner to feel like his questions are being answered. If you’re interested in rebuilding trust, avoid sweeping difficult subjects aside—there are things you’ll need to address.

· For the one who was cheated on: Build trust, not certainty

This might sound scary, but it could help. You can’t know with 100% certainty that your partner will never cheat again. That is, you can’t control what your partner does or doesn’t do.

What will help you get back to a place of love and safety is asking for what you need to believe him again, when he says he made a mistake. Get to know the person behind the words again. Ultimately, trusting your partner again is a choice you’ll make when you’re ready.

This one is long path sometimes years, but it can be done and it can make your relationship even stronger if you put in the work. I’d love to be a part of your support system. Come in to my office in Oakland to get started feeling better again. Call 510-507-1763 Kelly Montgomery, LMFT

 

Filed Under: Affair, cheating, couples, infidelity

What is an emotional affair?

May 6, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

What is an emotional affair?

Emotional AffairAn emotional affair is a breach of trust, a break in a verbal or written (marriage) agreement.  This can be over whether you are monogamous or when your spouse lies to you or keep things from you. Having someone trust and confide in another person over you and share intimate moments that were supposed to fall under your role can feel like an emotional affair.

Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are different. However, they can be closely related.  Although not all relationships are monogamous especially here in our great Bay Area Oakland city, we all have attachments and in an emotional affair that is what is being threatened. The idea in most marriages or committed couples is that each other are the priority. They are supposed to be your “go to” person for times of happy, sad, need, and love.  There is nothing wrong with someone having friends and respected relationships with others.  We all need a healthy support system.  However, when the majority of the reliance is not with your spouse things begin to shift.

If your spouse is seeking out any of these from another person and it begins to feel out of balance, this could be a red flag. If you sense something is off please call to save your committed relationship. 510-507-1763 Kelly Montgomery, LMFT, www.healinghappenstherapy.com

Filed Under: Affair, cheating, emotional affair, infidelity, Oakland, therapy Tagged With: affairs, cheating, infidelity, red flags

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Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

* Kelly Montgomery now practices virtually only (online and phone). New clients may use the toll free number above and existing or returning clients may contact her local number via phone by downloading the “Whatsapp” application on your device.

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