Healing Happens Therapy

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Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

Common Communication Problems and How to Fix Them

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www.HealingHappysTherapy.com

Are the conversations you have with your partner something you look forward to?  Or are they mundane daily check-in chatter?

Do you find that conversation isn’t really happening at all, because lately, interaction seems stifled or silent amid career and family obligations, crammed schedules, and more?

Restoring quality communication and boosting your connection will mean pinning down some problems and making some changes.  Consider the following communication problems and communication enhancing solutions:

Communication problem: Communication isn’t a priority.

Perhaps you thought the pieces of your relationship would always just fall together. Maybe you feel that your love is so strong that your connection really doesn’t require much maintenance.

If so, you’re gambling with your good thing. Communication protects your bond.

The fix? Be intentional. 

Commit now to better communication. Decide to amend your approach to daily interactions with your partner. Demonstrate that you sincerely want to connect. Sincerity and dedicated effort will be appreciated by your partner as you move forward.

Communication problem: Distracted discussions, date nights, and downtime.

Many couples complain about the silence between them. Not because there is anything really wrong at first. Unless you count ever present screens, the constant presence of a child or children, and the piles of work that are always calling them away from each other.

Too many unchecked distractions kill meaningful conversation and get in the way of connection.

The fix? Be available to each other.

Time is extremely important for deeper conversations to occur. Loving communication requires your mental and physical presence. Be there for each other. Phone, text, use social media in an effort to check in with each other and schedule face-to-face time or schedule a date. Loving feelings will grow each time you make time to share. It’s wise to put the world aside routinely to really see and hear each other. Forget the chores, turn off the glowing screens, get a sitter for the kids, go for a drive to see the Oakland city lights and talk. Schedule togetherness and make time to talk.

Communication problem: “Me speak” instead of “we speak.”

It’s easy to get wrapped up in what you need and want, what kind of mood you’re in, your schedule and responsibilities without checking in with your partner and assessing what he or she needs or wants.

Our natural tendency is to speak and act from a place of self-interest and concern.

The fix? Pay attention.

You probably have a lot to say, you likely have a million things to do.

But what is your partner sharing?

To be a good listener you must engage your partner, see their point of view. Boost your ability to focus and hear your partner in these ways:

    • Ask questions.
    • Sincerely reflect back what you heard.
    • Interpret your partner’s body language and tone.
    • Study your partner and gather information about what matters to them.

Communication problem: Unresolved issues keep communication efforts unproductive.

If you find that you and your partner often say “we don’t talk anymore.” Perhaps you need to take a close look at what’s going on in your relationship. What aren’t you saying and why?

Sometimes partners fear unresolved issues or problems will create too much conflict, so they ignore them.

The fix? Be proactive, vulnerable, and brave.

It’s okay if communication sometimes makes waves. Good communication is open and honest. You can disagree, discuss, and seek answers lovingly.

Share your concerns completely so that buried problems don’t become barriers between you. Ask each other questions, really hear each other on tough issues affecting you both. Be resolution-minded but accept that some issues simply won’t be resolved. Either way, don’t hide from each other. Seek out ways to communicate differences of opinion maturely and considerately.

Communication problem: The need to be right inspires fights.

Couples experiencing a lot of conflict and rough communication often do so because they have fallen into competitive, confrontational communication cycles.

The need to win an argument becomes the goal rather than reaching compromises or even making each other feel heard and understood.

The fix? Be respectful and compassionate.

Remember, you’re in this life together. You aren’t two bickering lawyers trying to debate each other into submission. Keep conflicts in perspective. Think about what you’re saying and whether it will heal the rift between you or just score points.

Keep in mind that you’ve chosen each other as partners. Your relationship deserves to be honored and your partner deserves loving respect. Speak kindly and thoughtfully. Generously provide each other a large measure of grace and understanding.

Finally, if you and your partner find that unproductive and ineffective communication habits are hindering your relationship, reach out to a qualified couples counselor. They can help interrupt what isn’t working, amplify what does serve you well, and give you step by step tool to use that will one day become second nature in the way that you talk, solving problems before they even arise!

Filed Under: arguing, communication, couples, couples counsleing Tagged With: , ,

Couples In Conflict: Who’s fault is it?

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In my role as a divorce mediator, I have a lot in common with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist like Kelly believe it or not!

How you ask?

  • We both work with couples in conflict;
  • We both work with couples who have taken a bit of time to get to where they are in their relationship;
  • Ultimately, we both try to move couples forward towards a successful resolution.

The main (and obvious) difference of course, is that we have a different definition of “forward” as she actively guides couples forward with the goal of saving their marriage, while I guide them towards ending it.

Now you may think that couples counseling and divorce mediation have absolutely nothing in common. But the truth is, it’s often the very same issue that has couples end up in Kelly’s office also can lead them to mine.

Want to know what it is? Keep reading and I’ll tell you!

Taking Credit Is Easy But Taking Blame Is Hard!

If you ask anyone in my profession, and I’m guessing for MFT’s too, couples in conflict usually have one thing in common: Whenever something goes wrong it’s your fault.  Not me, but you.

From the little things like “you never empty the dishwasher” to “you never make the bed” to the big ones like “you spent all of our savings on a Unicorn farm” or “you missed my mother’s funeral to go to a baseball game.”

And while I can’t tell anyone how to feel, or if their claims of blame have merit or not, there is one thing these types of conversations all have in common: they’re all about “you.”

On the other hand, just like there are two sides to every coin, for every “you” there is also a “me.”

In addition to “you” and “your,” I’ve found that “me, myself, and I” are also prominently featured in any conversation held by a couple in conflict.

When couples in conflict argue, and they’re discussing something that went well, it’s because I made it happen.

“It was me who bought us this house” or “I made that money all by myself.” Never once mentioning the other person and offering them any shred of credit for anything good that happened in their collective lives.

Whenever something goes right it was “me” who did it.

Often Times That’s The Difference Between Success And Failure

It can take time, but ultimately, if you are able to regulate your frustration, you will have the ability to shoulder some of the responsibility for where things went sideways and lead you and your spouse to the place where you presently find yourselves.

I’m not saying you need to shoulder the entire responsibility, but it’s important to recognize our own part in the relationship.

You are a couple. And couples need to sink or swim together. If one of you has a success, likely both of you had a success. If one of you had a misstep, most of the time, both of you played a role in that misstep.

Keeping an open mind and a willingness to accept some of the responsibility to what got you here in the first place, to me is the key to moving past your current difficulties and repairing your relationship.

On the other hand, couples, who continue the cycle of blame, not only wind up talking to a divorce mediator, but worse yet, usually wind up in expensive and ruinous divorce litigation. Putting them and their children through one of life’s great tragedies – a long an expensive trip through our legal system.

So Ask Yourself This Question

When you find yourself having difficulties in your relationship and are looking to fix it, ask yourself one simple question: “what role did I play in getting us here?”

If you’re willing to be open and honest when answering that question, only then will you truly be open to the possibility of saving your marriage.

Otherwise you’ll end up in my office and trust me when I tell you, you don’t want that.

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Joe Dillon is a Divorce Mediator and Founder of Equitable Mediation Services; he helps client couples get a divorce without a lawyer if they so choose in Illinois and New Jersey.

Filed Under: arguing, couples counseling, divorce, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members

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How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members // healinghappenstherapy.com

Healthy relationships are based on physical and emotional boundaries. Knowing when and how to set boundaries with others is a skill that must be learned. Unfortunately, some of us are never taught this valuable skill.

When we know and understand what our limits are, we can be rest assured that we’re establishing healthy boundaries. However, some people are scared of setting boundaries for fear of hurting other people’s feeling or because they’ve experienced some negative reactions, like getting yelled at, getting in trouble or being “black listed” as a “trouble maker.”

Although establishing boundaries can sometimes be a hard thing to know how to do, it’s also not fair for anyone to feel helpless or scared or “walked on,” being taken advantage of or having their privacy invaded.  You deserve to feel great in relation to others. Learning how to stand up for ourselves and let those intruding in our lives, especially those pesky family members, know that we need space and that we have boundaries, will help your comfort levels in the end.

Signs That You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Knowing when to set boundaries with others and yourself can be hard to tell on your own. Often, it’s not a self-witnessing event.  It can look more like others telling you that they need their space or you are bonding too quickly.

However, there are signs that can reveal how unhealthy the relationship you’re in truly is. They can be hard to recognize but in doing so, you’re acknowledging your own emotional issues. This can be scary for many people but it means that you can start to change not only your unhealthy relationship with the other person, but also with yourself. This will bring attention towards building a healthier relationship with the other person.

Here are five signs that suggest your relationship (and perhaps yourself) need some attention:

  1. Happiness or contentment, as well as self-esteem, are based solely off the relationship.
  2. Other relationships are neglected because of the compulsion to be in that relationship.
  3. There is an extreme need, fear or anxiety to want to fix problems when conflict or disagreements arise in the relationship.
  4. An interdependent emotional connection is created and feelings are absorbed by each other. When one person feels angry, upset or anxious, then the other person feels angry, upset or anxious.
  5. The connection is so strong with the other person that when they are away or unable to communicate with, the person feels extreme loneliness, which causes an irrational need to reconnect.

Why You Need to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a separation between two things. For example, walls and fences would be examples of material boundaries. However, relational boundaries are quite different.

When two people connect, boundaries separate them and help to distinguish each person’s unique identity from each other. The closer the relationship, like with a parent or sibling or other family member, the harder it can be to recognize or establish boundaries with one another.

Nevertheless, it’s important for a person to live their own way of life. By setting boundaries, they are teaching their loved ones how to treat them. A line must be drawn so the person feels safe. If a family member steps over the line, then the relationship can start to become enmeshed.

Each person should take responsibility for their own actions for the relationship to work properly. It can be difficult to figure out what belongs to you and what belongs to your loved one, but if you can determine how to sort things out, then the communication will be much stronger and each person will know what to attend to.

For example, there is certain information a parent can share with their child, like telling them how much they are loved and how proud of them they are, and certain details that they should refrain from expressing to them, like private confidences, marital problems and sexual intimacy.

If boundaries need to change within a family dynamic, it can be challenging to re-draw that line, but it must be done to keep everyone content. The best way to do this is to keep the lines of communication open, be honest and keep practicing this skill with each other.

How to Set Boundaries with Family Members

When the time is realized that change needs to happen with the family and new boundaries need to be set or just established in general if they never were, here are some tips to keep in mind:

  • Start with small boundaries. Discuss little things that can be done by both parties and avoid accusing or judging each other. Express love for one another but try not to point out what someone did wrong. Each person needs to be sure to follow through with what they said they are going to do, which creates a space for respect and care.
  • Take time for self-care. When a person is too involved in the relationship, it’s a good idea for them to start spending time alone, connecting with others, like friends or co-workers, taking up new hobbies or doing things that they have a passion for. They need to learn that they can still be happy without the other person. They will have more time to work on parts of their life that make them feel needy, insecure and unhealthy.
  • Know your own boundaries. If a person isn’t sure what their boundaries are, then it will be hard to communicate them to others. Take time to look within and determine what makes you feel comfortable, safe and happy. What are you willing to accept and tolerate? Identify those feelings so you can express them.
  • Allow yourself to have boundaries. Some people may feel uncomfortable telling a family member “no” even though they are already stretched too thin, or feel like they are being taken advantage of but too fearful to speak up. However, to give yourself permission to even have boundaries is practicing self-respect and building a stronger relationship.
  • Seek help from an expert. When the conversation just isn’t moving things forward or people are having a difficult time expressing their feelings, it may be time to speak with a professional. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland offers assistance to couples or families by bringing emotions to the surface and helping everyone establish their boundaries.

Remember, trust and friendship are earned overtime and are not automatic. Often, you might feel drained or overwhelmed. Check to make sure you are balancing taking care of yourself and others.

Filed Under: arguing, balance, communication, couples counseling, family, healthy relationship Tagged With: , , , , ,

5 Ways to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy

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5 Ways to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy // healinghappenstherapy.com

If you’re walking around with your partner around Lake Merritt in Oakland and an attractive man or woman glances over at them and smiles and your partner smiles back, you may feel a twinge of jealousy. It’s normal and very natural to feel these feelings.

However, when someone allows jealousy to overtake their mind and creep into every aspect of their life, then they may have problems dealing with this emotion. It can even damage their relationships if they act on their jealous thoughts. It can leave many people feeling very bitter or angry towards their significant other.

Why People Become Jealous

Some people compare themselves to others these days, especially when scanning through social media posts, where we see more intimate details of people’s lives. It’s easy to think others’ lives are much easier, better and more fulfilling than our own. They may see someone else’s strengths, lifestyle, relationship, and successes as a threat, and only see the negative in their own life. This can trigger feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy enough or bring insecurities to the surface.

However, most jealousy happens in romantic relationships. There may be a lack of trust between each other. One person may have experienced betrayal in the past from another ex-partner and now has trust issues with their current partner. Or, one person may have done something to the other that offended or upset them and now they can’t trust their partner.

When two people decide to be in a relationship with each other or agree to monogamy, they are essentially creating a verbal contract between one another. When someone does something that breaks that “contract,” conflict and jealousy can ensue, especially if the couple never defined the value of their “agreement.” This breach of trust can cause a person to react in a jealous manner.

When someone does not feel like they have value or contributes value to the relationship, they might feel unworthy or simply can’t recognize their own strengths and attributes.  It is then that jealousy can arise. This person may think they just aren’t good enough and someone else may be better suited for their companion. They have a fear that their loved one may want to look for a replacement or feel that their cherished connection is being threatened.

The critical voices in our heads can lead us to such deep brooding feelings of jealousy.  They can foster feelings of self-doubt and instill a level of of criticism that keeps people from feeling truly lovable. When we formulate these fantasies about what we think is going on, we’re really confusing ourselves with what is actually going on. We confuse reality with fantasy and only see what we want to see, which isn’t always the truth or real.

How Jealousy Can Be Harmful to Relationships

When you’re sharing your life with someone, you’re building a level of trust with them. But when you think something is going on behind your back, it’s easy to start a fight, accuse the other person of betraying you or break your commitment to them.

Paranoia is a side effect of jealousy and can lead to terrible consequences. When a person in the relationship starts to take action on their feelings, and it’s not done in the right way, things can start to get ugly. It’s wise to stop, take a deep breath and check in on things with yourself first.

Find out why these jealous feelings are surfacing. Here are some questions to ask:

  • Was something breached by your partner?
  • Can you talk to them about it?
  • Can you focus your attention inward to see why you’re feeling this way?
  • How are you viewing your own levels of self-worth and personal values?
  • Why do you feel like you are being threatened emotionally?
  • Is something stirring from the past that hasn’t been deal with yet?

When a person directs critical thoughts inward and believes these thoughts, they can start to disrupt the connection with their partner. A couple that once was strong may now become weak because of the person’s insecurities getting in the way of the relationship and mores other relationship with the Self. Suddenly the couple is dealing with a lot of drama and conflict. This will threaten the relationship and cause a rift to form between the two people.

How to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy

It is possible to overcome and deal with jealousy issues.

  1. Evaluate the emotions stirring inside. Reflect back on your past for a moment and see if there are any lingering negative emotions that still need to be dealt with. Maybe there was a traumatizing event that happened to you and you never learned how to cope with it; therefore, those thoughts and feelings will be brought into your relationship.  If there aren’t any past emotional issues that are obvious to deal with, then find out why there is this internal conflict happening and do some self-study. Practicing mindfulness will help to calm your racing thoughts and runaway emotions.
  1. Define your own boundaries. Decide what feels right to you and what level of interactions feel safe. This will help you to recover your personal power so you are able to gain more control over your emotions and refrain from acting in a reactive manner. Identify what triggers such strong emotions within and what core beliefs are being used.
  1. Learn how to communicate your boundaries with your partner. Open communication is key to any relationship. Sit down with each other and calmly discuss the issues that are arising within you. If you need the other person to be honest with you, then tell them. Express what you need from them to work through these problems.
  1. Never stop asking for what you need. If jealousy pops up in the moment, learn how to take care of yourself. Figure out what you need to do for you. But you should also learn how to observe and accept your jealous feelings as it’s part of being human. But when you feel like you want to take action on those feelings, stop for a moment and decide if you’re acting on made-up beliefs or reality. Remember that no one has to obey or follow through on poor behavior due to their jealous thoughts.

5. Seek counseling. When intense feelings of jealousy are jeopardizing the relationship, it may be time to seek professional help. Healing Happens Therapy helps to guide couples into a space where they can openly and honestly speak about their feelings and emotions. Jealousy can feel very lonely but with the help and support of a therapist and your loved one, you can overcome it.

Filed Under: arguing, couples, couples counseling, self care, self help, self love Tagged With: , ,

Are You Good at Dealing with Conflict?

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Are You Good at Dealing with Conflict? // healinghappenstherapy.com

Conflict will always be a part of our lives – personally and professionally. There will always be stress and tension at home and in the workplace. It’s a natural occurrence between human interaction in relationships and groups.

However, many people get highly distressed when conflict arises and will do anything to stop it, avoid it or just ignore it. It’s because they never learned how to deal with problems and their emotions that come with it. When someone opposes or argues against what we’re doing or saying, we may feel threatened, angry, anxious or stressed.

But it’s important to know that there are two kinds of conflict: healthy and unhealthy. One works for us and the other works against us.

Healthy Conflict

Healthy conflict allows us to grow, move forward and come to an understanding or comprising result for both parties in a win-win situation. When we practice respect, fairness and make an effort with the other person, it helps to strengthen the relationship so we become closer to each other. Try to participate as a team to work through the conflict and have the mindset that both parties are equals and coming together to solve a problem.

When trying to resolve conflict in a healthy way, allow yourself to think rationally and be proactive instead of being reactive. Use creative thinking and open-mindedness to come to a fair resolution that will benefit both each person. Work towards being productive, not playing the “blame game.”

Unhealthy Conflict

Unhealthy conflict is the exact opposite of healthy conflict. A person may take things personally, attack the other person and show no signs of respect. They aren’t moving forward to finding a fair resolution for both parties or making an effort to work together. They argue aggressively with the other person, which is counterproductive because then they’re just spinning in circles as they go back and forth and no one gets anywhere. It doesn’t move the two people towards to a compromising solution.

People in unhealthy conflicts usually avoid problems and refuse to work through them. They don’t want to be bothered with the drama and do not care to participate in finding or creating a solution. These people may also like to manipulate others, place blame on others, or easily get upset and walk away. Their avoidance or disregard for the problem at hand can damage the relationship.

Benefits of Conflict

While it may not be something that anyone wants to do, facing the drama in life and addressing the conflicts with certain people will have many benefits in the long run. Healthy conflict can actually help people grow, create deeper bonds and improve relationships.

When people take the first step to deal with these negative emotions brought on by someone else and work through them, they will:

  • Grow closer together because they’re working through their differences with each other, understanding the other person and clarifying each of their needs and values.
  • Value the other’s perspective better. They don’t have to always agree with the other person, but they should try to understand where the person is coming from and see their viewpoint on the situation. They’ll begin to notice the differences each person has and recognize how differently their minds work.
  • Learn how to fight fair and respect the other person. Keep respect in mind while working through a problem so no one will be tempted to start name-calling, cursing, throwing insults at each other or bring up every problem that’s ever occurred. Approach the conflict with a curious mindset and stay on topic and not get distracted from past conflicts. Instead of becoming defensive with their own viewpoint, they’ll be more interested in what the other person has to say.
  • Own their part in the conflict. When they argue with someone, it’s a two-way street. Both people are part of the problem. When they realize that they play a part in the conflict as much as the other person, they’ll start to think of ways to contribute to the resolution. They’ll take ownership of their role in the problem and help to improve the situation.
  • Improve their listening skills. When they give their undivided attention and take the time to really listen to the other person, they’re giving the other person the space to open up to you and trust them. They should try to refrain from making any interruptions, remarks, or judgements while the other person is speaking. They just want to be fully present for the other person and allow them to express their thoughts and feelings.

How to Deal with Conflict

Here are five healthy ways to deal with conflict:

  1. Make time to talk. Ask the other person when a good time would be to talk about the conflict. If they are busy, ask to make an appointment with them and get on their calendar. It will only hurt the relationship to keep feelings and emotions bottled up. People need to release that anxiety, tension or fear and talk through things with the other person. It’s also best to deal with the conflict as soon as it arises and not push it aside to a later date. The sooner the problem is dealt with, the better off both parties will be.
  1. Express our thoughts and feelings. Each person should use “I” statements when talking with the other, like “I feel,” “I want,” “I need,” or “I wish.” Try to refrain from using accusatory statements, like “you did this,” or “this is your fault,” or “you were wrong.” When we speak from our hearts, the other person will begin to see our perspective and understand us better.
  1. Putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. If we act as if we are the other person and describe how we’re feeling, then the other person can agree, disagree or clarify things for us. We’ll gain a better understanding of their viewpoint and be able to work together easily.
  1. Be clear and specific with our wants and needs. We can’t expect the other person to read our mind, so we must express to them what we want or need from them to work through this conflict. When we’re direct and explicit, we’re giving the person a chance to meet our requests.
  1. Talk with a therapist. Sometimes it’s nice to have an objective third party enter the picture, such as Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland. They have the professional background and expertise to help us resolve our conflicts. Even if we go to therapy for years on end that doesn’t mean we’ll never argue again or come across any kind of conflict. The point of going to therapy and learning how to effectively communicate is to figure out how to weather the storms quicker, more efficiently, and move on.

Dealing with conflict will be tailored to our personalities. We don’t have to become someone else. If we feel like we’re an introvert, we can figure out how to make it possible to resolve things the way that works best for us.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing; it’s a reality. And knowing how to navigate that part of life is a true gem.

Filed Under: arguing, couples counseling, stress Tagged With: , , ,

The Same Argument Every Day? 5 Ways to Stop the Fight

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After living with your partner for a while, you fall into coAdd subtitle textmfortable patterns.  Sometimes, the patterns come to feel like home in and of themselves; you feel cared for and safe. Everything seems to be going well (sits back and relaxes*). You’re not out of the woods yet, though (sits back up*). Communication between you and your partner can also start to look pretty routine. Unfortunately, at certain points in your relationship, conflicts can keep popping up again and again too—often about seemingly trivial things. “Why can’t we move past this?” you wonder.

Whether you’ve lived here in Oakland all your life, or are from somewhere halfway across the world, anyone can get stuck using the same language with your spouse and using a pattern of not really hearing each other.

The good news is that you can stop the fight without stopping all the good stuff too (phew!*). It just might take some extra work.

When arguments become repetitive, a few things have probably happened: You’re angry not just about what’s happening now, but also about the memory of the last fight. And your fuse is so short, it feels much easier to spar with each other than to talk.

5 Steps to End the Eternal Fight

1. Take a seat

If you and your partner have been arguing about your workloads around the house, the next time your partner doesn’t unload the dishwasher, feelings of blame and unfairness can crop up immediately. You might feel like you just want to get all your anger out while it’s boiling. Taking a “time-out” to sit down with each other gives you a few moments to collect yourselves, and it makes resolving the conflict your central focus.

2. Disagree as a team

When you and your partner argue, it’s all too easy to let the disconnect take center stage. Maybe you say hurtful things to each other, not caring in the moment how the remark might land. If you commit to sticking together even when you’re fighting, showing flashes of affection amidst the hail storm, it often becomes less about who’s right or wrong, and more about moving on together.

3. Take responsibility

Sometimes when you’re arguing with your partner or spouse, it can be tempting to immediately say “no!” to all accusations, even if the angry words belie some kernel of truth. When you take responsibility for the things you really have done or said, you stop the verbal ping-pong, and start moving toward something that looks a little less like anger, and a little more like discussion.

4. Find the subtext

Seemingly trivial arguments about chores or social commitments are often the tip of much murkier icebergs. It makes sense that if you assume the worst about your partner, you’d be pretty upset. Rather than jumping to a conclusion about your spouse’s motivations, be inquisitive. Be inquisitive about your own motivations and feelings too. Explain that you’re not really angry about a dirty dish, it’s more that you feel like you often have to retrace his steps for him.

5. Find solutions

When you and your partner are left to your own emotional devices, you might get so caught up in arguing that you don’t get to the best part—moving forward. Offer up solutions, even if you’re not sure they’ll work. Show your partner that working on your life together is always your main goal (riding into sunset*).

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, love, romance Tagged With: , , , , ,

Lasting Marriages: When the Courtship Never Ends

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In an ideal world, wEspresso Shot (2)hen you’re planning on getting married, “what if we end up divorcing?” isn’t a question that crosses your mind. But we live in the real world, a world where the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that 6.8 people out of 1,000 get married and 3.6 out of 1,000 get divorced. That’s just over half of all married people! I also think its ok to have the question cross your mind, because that means you are serious about the commitment.

So how can you make sure your marriage is a lasting one? Friends and family will probably give you lots of advice, solicited or otherwise. Let’s check in with some couples who have been married 50 years, and hear what worked for them. Although things have changed dramatically since 1963, its always a good thing to check in and see what you can learn from people who came before you.

Three tips from three Oakland, CA couples married in 1963:

1. Never go to bed mad.

Stewing over your anger for too long can lead to bitterness, or compounding the issue at hand with other things, making it into a bigger deal than it was. Better to address differences sooner, rather than later. Plus, you’ll get a better night’s sleep!

2. Find a way to laugh together every day.

Laughing together brings you closer. Scientific research has shown that laughter produces endorphins, those chemicals in your body that make you “feel good.” A 1990 study in the International Journal of Aging & Human Development found that couples who had been married for several decades listed “a sense of humor” among their top three reasons for their relationship’s success.

3. Be able to say “yes, Dear.”

Some things are more important than always having the last word, or always expressing your opinions. Simply saying “yes, dear” rather than “yes, dear, but…” is harder than it sounds. Communication is important, but so is knowing when to just let the other person have their say.

 

If you’re already doing these things, what else should you keep in mind to make your marriage strong? Here are some other ideas.

One plus one does not equal one.

There’s no such thing as a soulmate, that is, someone who is a perfect match. It’s better to think about being complementary, rather than about being “one and the same.” There will certainly be differences between you and your loved one, from minor lifestyle choices like food preferences, to bigger ones like how to raise children. The great thing about being in a relationship is being able to see the world in a different way, through someone else’s eyes. Instead of trying to fit someone into a template, cherish the different perspectives he or she has to offer.

No one’s perfect.

Expecting smooth sailing almost ensures you’ll have trouble when you hit some bumpy water. On the scale of easy to difficult, relationships surely measure up more toward the latter than the former. No one is perfect, not even the love of your life, the apple of your eye. Exercising forgiveness over small things is a good habit to get into. It helps develop creative problem-solving skills that might come in handy for whatever happens down the road.

Communication is key.

Everyone’s heard this one before, but it’s so important that it bears repeating. Be sure to listen to your partner, even when you disagree with his or her point of view. It shows respect.

Marriage should not be the death of courtship.

Here’s one last tip. Don’t stop “dating” when you get married. This is another one you’ve probably heard before, but it’s so easy to get stuck in the mindset of everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, work, and caring for children, that sometimes we all need to take a step back and examine our relationship from a distance. When you first start seeing someone, you are each trying to “win over” the other. Your spouse or spouse-to-be probably fell in love with you because you have compatible goals and dreams and you also made him or her feel special. So keep being that person! Make time to un-bog yourself from the daily demands of life and spend regular quality time together. Cast off your worries for an evening, and just have fun!

Filed Under: arguing, communication, couples, couples counseling, divorce, health, healthy relationship, purpose, romance Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Fighting & Arguing the Right Way

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Angry much-Fighting right? Yes arguing the right way can be good!

We all do it. Yes even that perfect couple you just thought of, that lives in that perfect house in the Oakland Hills, with their perfect life- they do it too. They probably just do it better than you.  Want to learn how to fight and have it be productive? Check these tips out and come in for some training on how to use anger and frustration to your benefit as a couple. www.healinghappenstherapy.com.

1.Take turns. (Don’t talk over each other, you’ll just go in circles)

2. Repeat what you heard. (This one is hard because you are thinking about your side and your story- try your best, use their words).

3. Make sure it honestly makes sense to you. (You don’t have to agree- just check in and make sure you get what they are saying. Being confused is no fun.)

4. Guess what they might be feeling. (Pretend this isn’t your spouse but someone else telling you this story-If you were in their shoes, what would you guess they might be going through? This builds some empathy.)

5. Repeat (Make sure you get a turn to speak and be heard as well as listen.)

6. Touch (If you can, if you feel safe enough, hold hands or link arms, something simple to build the connection.)

Happy fighting!

Filed Under: arguing, Berkeley, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, Oakland, stress, touching Tagged With: , , ,

Date night: Dinner and a…counseling session.

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Lord knows you have the days where you question if you can ever even last another hour, with your spouse in the same room where everything down to the sound of their breathing is annoying, we have all been there.  What you might not know is counseling can be preventative and isn’t just for the moments like these where you are ready to practically give up.  Hopefully you are someone who intends to keep growing and learning about yourself, others around you, the growth of your community and city of the East Bay Area and the world as a whole.  As we age, it is healthy to keep growing and not stay stagnant. This means learning about the way world is changing, learning from others around us and our relationships.  Having a tool  like counseling for your marriage is something to be used when you feel connected or when you don’t.  Having a trained professional therapist help guide you through some sticky  moments is always a breath of fresh air not having to figure it out on your own, but imagine the support and validation and the depth of love you can arrive at having that guided support in not only trouble shooting, but aiding the deepening of your love?  Shedding light on some things that you didn’t know where there.  Supporting vulnerability and contentedness.  Solidifying the team mentality with your spouse. Plan a date night: Call me www.healinghappenstherapy.com  to set an hour session, then go have dinner reservations downtown Oakland or Berkeley and oodle all over each other with the things you learned about how much you are loved!

Filed Under: arguing, balance, communication, couples, couples counsleing, healthy relationship, romance Tagged With: , , ,

Arguing, feeling disconnected? Here is a tip to help calm things down.

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Sometimes we walk around our beautiful city, Oakland. We stroll by Lake Merritt and have to cross busy Harrison street to get there.  I always feel just a little bit safer, warmer when my man holds my hand crossing the street.  Take this and apply it to when are not feeling so lovey dovey.  Even the smallest touch can help. The chemicals in our bodies react even if we don’t know it.  Try talking and touching simultaneously. A hand on the small of the back, or facing each other with arms around each others waist.  Even if you are sitting on the couch, remember to touch. Play with her hair, or place your hand on his knee. Even if nothing sexual arrives, this is connection and can lead to a loving gaze, a kiss, or a great conversation. Go ahead and try it! It’s pretty difficult to have an argument while holding hands!

Call for a free 15 min consultation to get more tips on how to recover after an argument. www.healinghappenstherapy.com

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, Oakland, touching Tagged With: , , , ,