Healing Happens Therapy

you can heal, we can help.

Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

6 Ways to Change Everything and Not Wreck Your Relationship

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A big part of coupledom is growing together. This almost always involves trying to make big changes as a team. Sure, things sometimes feel “perfect.” We tell each other: “I wish it could always be like this.” But, in reality, relationships must evolve or else we risk becoming stagnant and discontent.

Change is Permanent
Even those who cling to routine can understand how inevitable change is. The trick, it seems, is learning to embrace it. Roll with it. Use it to your advantage. Disarm that nagging fear that your relationship will be wrecked.

All good things require regular maintenance. Our car gets a tune-up, our phones need updates, and we don’t stop exercising when we like how our body looks and feels. Relationships thrive on change—big and small.

What are Some of the Big Changes?
The possibilities are endless but here are some of the ways couples change everything:

  • Move/Relocate/Renovate
  • Choose new career paths
  • Go into business together
  • Start a family
  • Explore an open relationship
  • Make major changes in your spiritual life
  • Try a dramatically new dietary lifestyle
  • Shift your social circle

6 Ways to Change Everything and Not Wreck Your Relationship

  1. Work on your Communication Skills
    Changes—tiny and immense—are made easier thanks to healthy communication. Make this your permanent top priority. Fine-tuned communication can sometimes be a relationship-saver.
  2. Check Those Power Dynamics
    Whether we want to admit it or not, social dynamics play a role in our life. The dominant culture in which we all live provides unearned privilege to some of us due to race, skin color, sex, class, age, etc. These power dynamics can very much impact the process of making big changes. Keep them in check. Talk about them in your regular relationship check-in meetings (see #5 below).
  3. Learn From Others
    Not everything requires the reinvention of the wheel. Success leaves clues so find yourselves a role model or two and check out the paths they’ve already blazed.
  4. Remember to Take Breaks
    No matter how big the change, we need time to rest, laugh and share intimacy. Get out for a good time and leave your big change alone for a night. A visit to the Oakland Coliseum will give you the chance to scream your lungs out for the A’s!
  5. Have Regular Check-in Meetings
    Success is not an accident. Planning is essential. One practical way to stay on top of rapidly shifting circumstances is to talk about it. Have regular check-in meetings with your partner to assess progress and, if needed, make adjustments.
  6. Remind Yourselves: This Will Also Change
    You may have begun changing everything with a conversation about how inevitable change is. In those times when you feel doubt and fear, tell yourself the same thing. Even the biggest changes will shift, morph, and evolve over time. Do your best, but accept the soothing fact that time will play a role.

In Case of Emergency, Consult a Change Expert
Preparing for a big change is a challenge. Even more daunting might be getting both of you on the same page about the details. Couples counseling is the kind of guidance you need before any further change is attempted.

No matter how structured your plans are, an outside perspective is helpful—especially when it comes from an experienced pro. If there are tough topics you’re avoiding, your regular therapy sessions will make space for them. If the first step of the big change is shaky, you’ll have a safe haven to hash it out. Most of all, you won’t be left without an all-important and honest ally with your best interests as their top priority.

Filed Under: balance, communication, couples, couples counsleing, healthy relationship

Craving a Closer Connection? 6 Ways to Build Intimacy

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Craving a Closer Connection? 6 Ways to Build Intimacy

The honeymoon is over. This cliché is never a good thing to hear. It can be applied pretty broadly but has its roots in the belief that all relationships eventually “cool off.” This, of course, depends on how you perceive relationships overall.Like all human ventures, there is a feeling specific to the beginning of relationships. Our first mistake is to believe this vibe (or any vibe) is automatically permanent. Relationships, individuals, and intimacy all evolve. Change is most often a good thing. Without an openness to new ideas, behaviors, and perceptions, intimacy will fade.

What Causes Intimacy to Fade?

1. Silence

Intimacy cannot exist without healthy communication. If you let silence become your language of choice, more than your intimacy will fade.

2. Lack of Touch

Intimacy cannot exist without touch. Cuddling, holding hands, a shoulder rub—there is no limit to what falls under the umbrella of “healthy physical contact.”

3. Roommate Syndrome

Living together often makes us feel more like business partners than lovers—especially when children are in the picture. If laundry, soccer practice, and car repairs dominate your connection, you have work to do.

4. Fighting

Myth: Intimacy and conflict cannot coexist. We are complex beings. Relationships thrive on the fact that we are individuals. However, if we allow fighting to preempt intimacy, there is likely a deeper problem that needs attention.

6 Ways to Build Intimacy

1. Communicate

This topic was #1 on the above list. It’s back at the top here, too. We use spoken language to convey our feelings and state of mind. Without this avenue, it’s unreasonable to assume an intimate link can be maintained. Set aside time each day to communicate. Hone your skills. Be ready to listen.

2. Prioritize Oral

This doesn’t mean what you might think it does! Text, chat, and email are all fine. Face-to-face communication is where intimacy deepens. Tech messages can enhance that connection. But never allow non-verbal to become your method of choice.

3. Say No to Porn

Too much Internet pornography is now recognized as a public health crisis. It creates unhealthy sexual perspectives, leads to erectile dysfunction, and removes the imagination from the equation. Your brain is your hottest sex organ. Porn often numbs and negates its power.

4. Re-Imagine What Intimacy Can Mean

Sometimes this world also can steer us away from some of life’s most simple yet amazing pleasures. The value of sustained eye contact is as high as anything you do when aroused and naked. Make this part of your communication time. Talk about ways to heighten intimacy in everyday life.

5. Get Out of the Normal Routine

Where is it written that intimacy only happens in your bedroom? The Oakland area is home to some wonderful and romantic bed and breakfast-style inns. For example, The Bates House, International Casa, and the Bellevue Club are suggested getaways on many travel sites.

6. Make Intimacy a Top Priority

Intimacy is easily weakened when we do not focus on it enough. Lust often creates the first connection. But lust is often taken for granted. Try viewing your intimate life with the same daily focus as your financial life and see what happens.

Have You Considered Seeing Other People?

No…not in that way. Couples counseling not only builds intimacy, it’s a form of intimacy. You are your partner commit to weekly sessions or an all-day one time, VIP session—challenging, cathartic, connecting. You openly discuss your thoughts and feelings, learn to recognize patterns, and move forward as a couple. Therapy can teach and guide. Quite often, couples need a tune-up of sorts. Life pulls us in so many directions that we lose sight of our priorities. Couples counseling is where we can return to our roots in order to grow together in new ways.

Filed Under: communication, couples, healthy relationship Tagged With: , , ,

What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

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What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

What a time to be alive! That line may be the stuff of silly memes, but it has a very serious side, too. Rapid changes in how we communicate have significantly changed the field of mental health for the better. Scheduling difficulties, time restraints, and even geographical distance no longer automatically prevent you from working with the therapist of your choice. Thanks to telemental healthcare, the playing field has shifted.

What is Telemental Healthcare?

Sure, therapists have been doing phone sessions in a pinch for years. Today, however, teletherapy is a featured service and this means using a face-to-face video platform. Your device may be:

  • Desktop computer
  • Laptop
  • Tablet
  • Smartphone

What matters is that you’re comfortable with the technology and are able to arrange for a private time. From there, it’s just like any other session with your therapist—without the commute, rush, or barriers created by a disability. The video platform allows important elements like voice inflections and facial gestures to be factored in.

What You Need to Know About Telemental Healthcare

1. Ask your therapist about their experience

Not all counselors are skilled or comfortable using telemental healthcare. Ask questions about their experience. Perhaps try one session first before committing to this format.

2. Talk to your therapist about the video platform being used

Of course, privacy is paramount. Licenced therapist use HIPPA compliant platforms. To keep your information private, make certain the platform is the most secure choice available.

3. Learn about state laws

State licensure and regulations vary from state to state. This could impact your ability to work with your preferred therapist. Clarify all such details with your counselor before beginning.

4. Is it right for you?

If you can easily get to a physical appointment, are you the kind of person for whom this is optimal? Sometimes, to have a specific go-to venue for counseling is part of the benefit. The goal and purpose of telemental healthcare is not merely a convenience. As with all modalities, it’s about recovery and results.

The Benefits of Online Therapy

1. Making the impossible possible

The most obvious benefit is a drastic reduction in scheduling obstacles. For example, if your job takes you temporarily from Oakland to Los Angeles, or you work a different schedule like a fireman, it no longer means you will go without therapy during that time. Of course, telemental healthcare is especially important for those with a disability that makes traveling a challenge.

2. Countering the stigma

We’ve come a long way, but the stigma of therapy can still exist for some. Even today, individuals can face family or work pressure surrounding their choice to seek therapy. Scheduling a location other than a therapist’s office may provide privacy and peace of mind.

3. It may coincide with your specific needs

You may, for example, be seeking therapy due to depression or severe social anxiety. These circumstances quite possibly could make it daunting for you to commit to a regular appointment outside your home. “Teletherapy,” in such cases, is an ideal entry point for moving towards recovery.

How to Connect with an Online Therapist

Telemental healthcare is a relatively new approach. As touched on above, it has unique requirements. Therefore, those seeking to try this method must choose carefully. Equally so, tele-therapists must wisely discern which patients are best able to adapt to the video platform. To learn more, and perhaps get started in the realm of telemental healthcare, contact Healing Happens Therapy for a free consultation.

Filed Under: balance, calm, communication, couples counseling, depression, divorce, family, goals, health, healthy relationship, infidelity, men's couseling, new years resolutions, parenting, purpose, reframe, self care, self help, self love, stress, therapy, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How to Get Close, Stay Close, and Like It: A Guy’s Guide

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Most men would love to be in a relationship. But many men are also afraid of being in a relationship. Some men don’t even realize that they have this issue – they just find one reason after another not to become too intimate.

If you are looking for help in intimacy, therapy can be very successful. It can help you to understand what is going on, and help you with identifying the underlying issues, including traumatic experiences from the past, that prevent you from enjoying intimacy today.

Here are a few steps in a guy’s guide to intimacy

Get close

Letting your guard down

If you wear your armor, if you have a weapon ready at all times, if you are alert to the danger of being invaded – well, then you have your guard up.

Nobody can hurt you. And nobody can touch you.

The first step towards getting close to someone else is to let them touch you. Physically and emotionally.

Think about it: this person is not an enemy.

Showing emotions

 Boys are often taught not to show emotions. But men still have feelings! Sometimes these feelings can even be stronger because they are hidden away. Most of all, getting close to another person involves outwardly expressing emotions.

If you have always been told not to show your feelings, you may be nervous when others show them. It might even be a reason to push them away. Maybe those ‘clingy’ women you knew were really just showing their feelings and it was up to you to respond by showing them yours.

If you have a lot of trouble with this, there are Oakland-Berkeley Men’s Groups that may also help you get accustomed to showing emotions and expressing them in a safe space.

Being a man

Men are told to ‘be a man’. That’s the most important thing in life. And the fear of being thought ‘unmanly’ immediately brings that guard back up.

However, there are many ways to be a man. Becoming cold and distant out of fear is only one of them, and is it really? It is the one that keeps you from intimacy.

Taking the big risk

Once you have your guard down, once you let somebody touch you, you are taking a big risk. That’s real. Yes, you can be hurt. Yes, you can inadvertently hurt someone else.

But, once you get close, who knows what may happen.

Stay close

Letting someone else know you

When you have decided to take that big risk and let somebody touch you, they will know who you are. You won’t be able to keep up a façade. They will know how you act, in bed, in the morning, after a hard day at work.

You will need to overcome your fear of giving that knowledge away. Yes, knowledge is also power. It’s just what happens in intimate relationships.

Getting hurt (that big risk!)

And when you stay close to someone, at some point, you will get hurt. It’s inevitable.

Are you man enough to take that risk? Can you tolerate that pain and transform it into the foundation of a long lasting partnership? Just like when you’re working out in the Bay Club or at 24 hour gym you’re building muscle.

Sharing

Remember when you were a toddler and asked to share?

You knew the joy of sharing then, before you were told to be an alpha male and take more than you gave away to others.

An intimate partnership is all about sharing. And sharing is a skill – just ask the toddler inside you! You can learn it every day. And it will bring you a lot of enjoyment.

Being a man

Taking the risk of intimacy is a big bold thing to do. It takes a lot of courage. You’ll be in charge of your love life, instead of being ruled by fear.

Like being close

Being connected

Try it. Feeling intimately connected to another person gives you a place where you belong. In addition, it expands your ability to feel and empathize. And it surpasses any connection you might have with a pet, or a place, or even with a friend.

Feeling your heart

No, that’s not a soppy romantic phrase. When you start to like intimacy, you will also discover more about what is going on in your own heart.

The joy of intimacy

… just like the ground-breaking book ‘The Joy of Sex’ that made it easier for people to talk about their erotic desires and explore them, the joy of intimacy comes with talking and listening. Listen to your partner and also to your therapist along the way.

Being a man

Being a man means being human. To experience the full range of being human. Getting close, staying close and liking to be close and intimate with someone else is a vital part of that experience.

Give yourself a chance to go for it. If you aren’t already interested in someone special, Oakland has a very rich and varied dating scene. Out there is a person looking for closeness and intimacy who may already be waiting for you.

Filed Under: communication, couples counseling, healthy relationship, is she the one, life coaching, love, men's couseling, ready fro change, romance, self help, sexual intimacy

How Therapy Helps Men Figure Out What Lasting Love Looks Like

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You may have heard that when things go badly in a relationship, women often have a deep fear of abandonment, while the deepest fear for men is being trapped.

Trapped in a relationship, trapped by their partner, trapped in a life they don’t really want or didn’t really choose for themselves. And when you operate from the perspective of that fear, lasting love is very hard to find or figure out. 

And sometimes, ‘lasting love’ may even look more like a threat than a promise of happiness.

But, at the same time, many men feel lonely and would love to connect – if only they knew how. If only they felt safe. And while the Oakland speed dating scene is great fun, it may not be the best way to go.

Men also often say that they aren’t quite sure what went wrong in their relationships. This is where therapy can really help. Therapy can really help anyone figure out their lives, and what happening inside. Men and women have been doing it for over a hundred years. (high five!)

What happens in therapy?

Professional therapists are trained to listen. They are also trained to help their clients investigate and understand the underlying patterns of their lives. Their beliefs and values. Their hopes and dreams.

Also in therapy, we look at what didn’t quite go to plan. And at what the client would like to change.

The important thing to remember is that, in therapy, the client is always in charge. The therapist is there to help you, not boss you around.

You are the captain of your ship. The therapy just helps you run your ship better. (*captain’s salute!)

Love yourself before you love another person

Even if you seek therapy to figure out your relationship issues, therapy always begins and ends with you.

For some guys, “how much do you love yourself?”  is a tricky question. Do you even know?

For many of us, men and women alike, uncomfortable feelings lurk right under the surface. In therapy, you can start looking at these feelings, instead of looking away. Your therapist has seen it all before and will help you find a way to deal with your emotions.

What do you know about love?

How can you recognize love if you don’t know what it is? Where did you learn about love? For most people, love lessons were taught in our families, from our parents.

In therapy, you investigate what ideas about of a ‘man in love’ were passed on to you by your father or male role model. What kind of example was he for your own future relationships?

Also, what happened when you first started dating? How did you know what to do? How did it feel? Was there some kind of peer pressure from other young men to do the ‘guy thing’?

Now is your chance to unravel what others taught you and showed you. And determine what you want for yourself.

Being in control

For many men, being in control of themselves and their lives is very important. And that means having a sense of freedom. Including the freedom to change your mind. This is why some guys constantly seem to have their eyes on the ‘exit’ sign.

But how much are you really in control when you can’t open up to the deepest experience in life… lasting love? Are you depriving yourself of living fully in the present because your mind is too forward focused?

The way to truly being in control is through self-knowledge. 

Loving someone is always a risk

You don’t know the future. Yes, love can be dangerous.

However, love takes courage and lasting love is the ultimate adventure. In therapy, you can learn how to take a relationship risk and how to tolerate uncertainty.

Oakland couples have a great tradition of long-lasting marriages. Take the Trebinos from Concord or the Kings from Oakland itself, married for 50 years in 2016. In 2006, Bishop Elvelva Harris celebrated his 70th wedding anniversary with his wife Ozeffer .

So stay the course, guys. You can do it! 

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counsleing, healthy relationship, love, romance

Common Communication Problems and How to Fix Them

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www.HealingHappysTherapy.com

Are the conversations you have with your partner something you look forward to?  Or are they mundane daily check-in chatter?

Do you find that conversation isn’t really happening at all, because lately, interaction seems stifled or silent amid career and family obligations, crammed schedules, and more?

Restoring quality communication and boosting your connection will mean pinning down some problems and making some changes.  Consider the following communication problems and communication enhancing solutions:

Communication problem: Communication isn’t a priority.

Perhaps you thought the pieces of your relationship would always just fall together. Maybe you feel that your love is so strong that your connection really doesn’t require much maintenance.

If so, you’re gambling with your good thing. Communication protects your bond.

The fix? Be intentional. 

Commit now to better communication. Decide to amend your approach to daily interactions with your partner. Demonstrate that you sincerely want to connect. Sincerity and dedicated effort will be appreciated by your partner as you move forward.

Communication problem: Distracted discussions, date nights, and downtime.

Many couples complain about the silence between them. Not because there is anything really wrong at first. Unless you count ever present screens, the constant presence of a child or children, and the piles of work that are always calling them away from each other.

Too many unchecked distractions kill meaningful conversation and get in the way of connection.

The fix? Be available to each other.

Time is extremely important for deeper conversations to occur. Loving communication requires your mental and physical presence. Be there for each other. Phone, text, use social media in an effort to check in with each other and schedule face-to-face time or schedule a date. Loving feelings will grow each time you make time to share. It’s wise to put the world aside routinely to really see and hear each other. Forget the chores, turn off the glowing screens, get a sitter for the kids, go for a drive to see the Oakland city lights and talk. Schedule togetherness and make time to talk.

Communication problem: “Me speak” instead of “we speak.”

It’s easy to get wrapped up in what you need and want, what kind of mood you’re in, your schedule and responsibilities without checking in with your partner and assessing what he or she needs or wants.

Our natural tendency is to speak and act from a place of self-interest and concern.

The fix? Pay attention.

You probably have a lot to say, you likely have a million things to do.

But what is your partner sharing?

To be a good listener you must engage your partner, see their point of view. Boost your ability to focus and hear your partner in these ways:

    • Ask questions.
    • Sincerely reflect back what you heard.
    • Interpret your partner’s body language and tone.
    • Study your partner and gather information about what matters to them.

Communication problem: Unresolved issues keep communication efforts unproductive.

If you find that you and your partner often say “we don’t talk anymore.” Perhaps you need to take a close look at what’s going on in your relationship. What aren’t you saying and why?

Sometimes partners fear unresolved issues or problems will create too much conflict, so they ignore them.

The fix? Be proactive, vulnerable, and brave.

It’s okay if communication sometimes makes waves. Good communication is open and honest. You can disagree, discuss, and seek answers lovingly.

Share your concerns completely so that buried problems don’t become barriers between you. Ask each other questions, really hear each other on tough issues affecting you both. Be resolution-minded but accept that some issues simply won’t be resolved. Either way, don’t hide from each other. Seek out ways to communicate differences of opinion maturely and considerately.

Communication problem: The need to be right inspires fights.

Couples experiencing a lot of conflict and rough communication often do so because they have fallen into competitive, confrontational communication cycles.

The need to win an argument becomes the goal rather than reaching compromises or even making each other feel heard and understood.

The fix? Be respectful and compassionate.

Remember, you’re in this life together. You aren’t two bickering lawyers trying to debate each other into submission. Keep conflicts in perspective. Think about what you’re saying and whether it will heal the rift between you or just score points.

Keep in mind that you’ve chosen each other as partners. Your relationship deserves to be honored and your partner deserves loving respect. Speak kindly and thoughtfully. Generously provide each other a large measure of grace and understanding.

Finally, if you and your partner find that unproductive and ineffective communication habits are hindering your relationship, reach out to a qualified couples counselor. They can help interrupt what isn’t working, amplify what does serve you well, and give you step by step tool to use that will one day become second nature in the way that you talk, solving problems before they even arise!

Filed Under: arguing, communication, couples, couples counsleing Tagged With: , ,

Why Too Many Screens Can Spoil the Relationship & 7 Tips to Fix It

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www.HealingHappysTherapy.com (1)

The sound of military ops and bigger than life HD graphics grated on Carrie’s nerves as her husband spent the evening strategizing with a global community of gamers and their avatars.

She asked him, again, to come to the table to eat.

“Just bring it in here, babe,” he said.

“Fine, whatever,” she thought as she walked to the bedroom, laptop in hand, “might as well answer some of those emails for work.”

_____________________

Brandon tapped his fingers impatiently on the restaurant table, waiting for his girlfriend to stop posting selfies of the Oakland skyline and pics of the wine bottle she wasn’t really taking time to enjoy. Her post, “Dinner out with my sweetie,” hardly felt true as her eyes were constantly drawn back to the smartphone screen.

“Good thing there are TVs in this restaurant,” he thought, as he signaled for the waitress and tuned in to the game.

_____________________

Sound kind of familiar?  A lot of couples are finding that screens are really starting to get in the way. This may be a sign that something is out of balance.

It’s no surprise really, screens are everywhere, from the palm of your hand to your living room wall, pulling you in… and away from each other.

Don’t think it’s that bad?

Here are a few other things to consider:

According to a Pew research study titled ”Couples, the Internet, and Social Media,” digital distraction spoils many couples’ quality time in the following ways:

  • 25% of cell phone owners in a relationship reported that their partner “was distracted by their cell phone when they were together.”
  • 8% of internet users in committed relationships actually argue with significant others about time spent online.
  • 4% of internet users have also gotten upset about something they became aware their partner was doing online.

In an excerpt from her book Love Sense, renowned psychologist and couples expert, Sue Johnson commented that, “technology reflects a profound lack of awareness about our need for intimate emotional connection. In a good love relationship, if we can turn off the screen, we can learn to say what really matters to us in ways that build connection.”

Johnson also notes that couples too often downplay engagement, having grown used to simplified, surface relating. They are often surprised by the decline of emotional intimacy as they unwittingly favor easy online connection over more complex interaction with each other.

Now you see the problems with all those screens: Lack of focus. Intimacy interference. Impaired trust. Misinterpreted motivations.

Since screens can be hypnotic, mesmerizing, and incredibly distancing, it is vital to live an intentional, joint life. How?

Try these 7 tips to fix what’s gone wrong in your relationship:

1. Notice. Observe your relationship. Mindfully pay attention to your interactions, what bothers you and makes you feel good. Looking closely at the moments between you that seem to drive you toward the distraction of a TV, computer, tablet, or cellphone is vital to understanding how technology worms its way between you.

2. Evaluate the extent of your disconnect. Now that you’re aware of the screen problem, assess how screen usage is interfering with your communication and interactions. Is your couple time together interrupted by technology that is uncontested, required, or mutual? Or is it primarily recreational or social?

3. Allow that some technology is okay. After all, many of our jobs, schedules, and obligations are tied to some form of screen activity.

4. Agree on screen time expectations. Talk to each other about ways to be more responsive to the obligations and responsibilities of your life together. Even more essential, discuss how you will reduce intrusions in your relationship.

5. Create tech free zones. It is wise to keep areas and times as tech free as possible to minimize temptation and keep time together engaged and focused on being present. Make your bedroom and dinner table tech free and person-focused.

6. Designate screen “on” periods. As important as it is to set boundaries for no screen time, scheduling periods where you accept usage for recreation and non-essential use make the necessary restrictions a bit more palatable.

7. Use screen time to enhance your union. Make your screen time count. Send your lover mobile pics of your next date night. Text each other throughout the day. Purchase a romantic Netflix movie to accompany a foot massage at the end of a long day. Use your imagination.

If you must use a screen, use it to make your partner feel more noticed, loved, and cared for.

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counsleing, healthy relationship, Uncategorized

How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members

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How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members // healinghappenstherapy.com

Healthy relationships are based on physical and emotional boundaries. Knowing when and how to set boundaries with others is a skill that must be learned. Unfortunately, some of us are never taught this valuable skill.

When we know and understand what our limits are, we can be rest assured that we’re establishing healthy boundaries. However, some people are scared of setting boundaries for fear of hurting other people’s feeling or because they’ve experienced some negative reactions, like getting yelled at, getting in trouble or being “black listed” as a “trouble maker.”

Although establishing boundaries can sometimes be a hard thing to know how to do, it’s also not fair for anyone to feel helpless or scared or “walked on,” being taken advantage of or having their privacy invaded.  You deserve to feel great in relation to others. Learning how to stand up for ourselves and let those intruding in our lives, especially those pesky family members, know that we need space and that we have boundaries, will help your comfort levels in the end.

Signs That You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Knowing when to set boundaries with others and yourself can be hard to tell on your own. Often, it’s not a self-witnessing event.  It can look more like others telling you that they need their space or you are bonding too quickly.

However, there are signs that can reveal how unhealthy the relationship you’re in truly is. They can be hard to recognize but in doing so, you’re acknowledging your own emotional issues. This can be scary for many people but it means that you can start to change not only your unhealthy relationship with the other person, but also with yourself. This will bring attention towards building a healthier relationship with the other person.

Here are five signs that suggest your relationship (and perhaps yourself) need some attention:

  1. Happiness or contentment, as well as self-esteem, are based solely off the relationship.
  2. Other relationships are neglected because of the compulsion to be in that relationship.
  3. There is an extreme need, fear or anxiety to want to fix problems when conflict or disagreements arise in the relationship.
  4. An interdependent emotional connection is created and feelings are absorbed by each other. When one person feels angry, upset or anxious, then the other person feels angry, upset or anxious.
  5. The connection is so strong with the other person that when they are away or unable to communicate with, the person feels extreme loneliness, which causes an irrational need to reconnect.

Why You Need to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a separation between two things. For example, walls and fences would be examples of material boundaries. However, relational boundaries are quite different.

When two people connect, boundaries separate them and help to distinguish each person’s unique identity from each other. The closer the relationship, like with a parent or sibling or other family member, the harder it can be to recognize or establish boundaries with one another.

Nevertheless, it’s important for a person to live their own way of life. By setting boundaries, they are teaching their loved ones how to treat them. A line must be drawn so the person feels safe. If a family member steps over the line, then the relationship can start to become enmeshed.

Each person should take responsibility for their own actions for the relationship to work properly. It can be difficult to figure out what belongs to you and what belongs to your loved one, but if you can determine how to sort things out, then the communication will be much stronger and each person will know what to attend to.

For example, there is certain information a parent can share with their child, like telling them how much they are loved and how proud of them they are, and certain details that they should refrain from expressing to them, like private confidences, marital problems and sexual intimacy.

If boundaries need to change within a family dynamic, it can be challenging to re-draw that line, but it must be done to keep everyone content. The best way to do this is to keep the lines of communication open, be honest and keep practicing this skill with each other.

How to Set Boundaries with Family Members

When the time is realized that change needs to happen with the family and new boundaries need to be set or just established in general if they never were, here are some tips to keep in mind:

  • Start with small boundaries. Discuss little things that can be done by both parties and avoid accusing or judging each other. Express love for one another but try not to point out what someone did wrong. Each person needs to be sure to follow through with what they said they are going to do, which creates a space for respect and care.
  • Take time for self-care. When a person is too involved in the relationship, it’s a good idea for them to start spending time alone, connecting with others, like friends or co-workers, taking up new hobbies or doing things that they have a passion for. They need to learn that they can still be happy without the other person. They will have more time to work on parts of their life that make them feel needy, insecure and unhealthy.
  • Know your own boundaries. If a person isn’t sure what their boundaries are, then it will be hard to communicate them to others. Take time to look within and determine what makes you feel comfortable, safe and happy. What are you willing to accept and tolerate? Identify those feelings so you can express them.
  • Allow yourself to have boundaries. Some people may feel uncomfortable telling a family member “no” even though they are already stretched too thin, or feel like they are being taken advantage of but too fearful to speak up. However, to give yourself permission to even have boundaries is practicing self-respect and building a stronger relationship.
  • Seek help from an expert. When the conversation just isn’t moving things forward or people are having a difficult time expressing their feelings, it may be time to speak with a professional. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland offers assistance to couples or families by bringing emotions to the surface and helping everyone establish their boundaries.

Remember, trust and friendship are earned overtime and are not automatic. Often, you might feel drained or overwhelmed. Check to make sure you are balancing taking care of yourself and others.

Filed Under: arguing, balance, communication, couples counseling, family, healthy relationship Tagged With: , , , , ,

8 Helpful Tips to Keep Your Partner (and Relationship) Top Priority

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heart (2)Lucky you. You have a partner. Someone to share your life with. That connection is something to celebrate and appreciate; to keep at the top of your life’s list of priorities and prized possessions.

You’re in love and you want to keep in that way. Here are eight ways to prioritize your relationship:

#1. Find out what “fine” really means. “How are you?” should be a meaningful question in your relationship. Check in with each other routinely, and really seek to know how you partner is doing. Intentionally decide to live life together, aware of each other on many levels. Refuse to become roommates, living politely parallel lives. Ensure that real listening, compassion, and a true desire to know how your partner is feeling underlies your interaction.

#2. Schedule time. Disconnect is sneaky. It will tell you that you don’t have time for each other, that your partner will understand how busy you are, or that you’ll get together “later.” Don’t believe it. Simply gift each other with time. Date nights, day trips, weekend travel. Do whatever creates shared anticipation, experiences, and  memories. Make time for fun.

#3. Throw a party for your partner every day. Not really, but your partner should feel undeniably appreciated every day. Appreciation helps partners keep negativity at bay, and increases positive feelings between you. Make sincere praise and verbal affirmation routine. Consider it a privilege to send each other out into a tough world feeling seen, valued, and supported.

# 4. Obtain your love degree. What do you know makes your partner feel most loved? Gifts? Words? Touch? Poetry reading in Oakland Joaquin Miller Park? Whatever it is, learn that love lesson well. In fact, get an advanced degree. It can be dangerous to make assumptions about how your love feels. Ask questions, study his or her responses to your efforts; be curious. Study your partner, and learn to love in a way that is specific, attentive, and adaptable.

#5. Refuse to let resentments build. This is crucial. Communication is lauded as the cornerstone of open, healthy relationships because it works. Keep the lines open. Break any unproductive habit that allows resentment to live unaddressed between you. As an act of love and commitment, make time for self-examination, and make the changes you need to in yourself. No silent treatment, no minimizing, no avoidance. Trust and respect each other that much.

#6. Become a super, problem-solving duo. Relationships face problems and endure challenges all the time. It’s normal. Learning to tackle the tough stuff together makes it clear that you’re in the relationship game to win, and willing to do what it takes.

#7. Work through problems in an optimal situation, as often as possible. Teamwork works best if you’re not tired, inordinately angry, hungry, or inebriated. Seek to understand, and focus attention on, one or two issues. Even if you take opposing views, take care of each other. Protect your union by staying present and respectful. Your partner will appreciate it and likely do the same for you.

#8. Make intimacy a way of life. Sex and affection are good. (You bet they are* wink, wink.) So, keep intimacy fresh and vibrant. How? Be adventurous, fun, playful in the bedroom and out. Be so close that you seek each other out daily, brush up against each other often, and look forward to ending the day together, at the same time, focused on each other– not the TV, Internet, or your email. Talk to each other all day. Share your work lives, discuss your family, talk through the bills. Then go further, and risk sharing deeper thoughts of yourself.

Watch your relationship grow.

Filed Under: communication, couples, health, healthy relationship, love, self care Tagged With: , , , ,

Father’s Day: How to Celebrate the Caregiver in Him!

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fathers day (2)There’s more to celebrate about Father’s Day now than ever. Research finds that dads are spending more time with their kids today, than they did at any other time, hooray! Chances are good that you know one of those great dads yourself.

When you and your partner became a family, you possibly fell in love with him all over again, watching him as the father of your little ones too. Seeing the vulnerability and care your husband shows to your kids can fill you with admiration and joy.

Each father demonstrates the love he has for his family in different ways. Maybe he cooks breakfast, and gets the kids ready for school. Maybe he puts in extra hours at work (sigh*) to finance a special family trip.

Regardless of how your partner shows his love for you and for your kids, Father’s Day is a great time to celebrate him in your lives.

Are you struggling to plan the perfect Father’s Day for him? Here are a few tips to get the ball rolling.

1. No pressure

If you’re aiming for a perfect Father’s Day, you can let yourself off the hook and still give him something he—and you!—could really use: a day free of chores and agendas. By now, you probably both know that one of the most elusive things to find as a parent is a little bit of relaxation.

Wake up and spend the morning—usually the family rush hour—together as a family. Tell your favorite stories about dad. There’s a lot of social pressure these days to be the perfect parent; take the pressure off by letting your partner know he’s already doing a wonderful job.

2. Family time

Your partner probably does a lot as a caregiver, whether it’s working around the house, putting in long hours at the office, or maybe picking up groceries for the week. When he’s so busy caring for others, what he needs for Father’s Day might not have a price tag at all: time together as a family.

It can be easy to get so sidetracked with plans you’ve made for a great Father’s Day that you miss out on time together. Take a family-sized blanket to one of Oakland’s favorite parks, or go for a walk. Even sharing stories after a simple dinner can be a recipe for an unforgettable Father’s Day.

3. Romance

Show your partner how much he means to you by honoring parenthood as a journey you’re on together. You can romance your husband in a lot of different ways—adore him, “show, don’t tell.” Remember men are less verbal than women.

4. Give attention

When it comes to Father’s Day, it’s tempting to plan everything out ahead of time. After all, you want this day to be special. What might make him even happier is being able to choose how he most wants to spend the day. Share what he loves with him, find out what he’s excited about.

5. Pile on the praise

Between juggling work, your kids’ school and sports, and different social responsibilities (whew!*), you might not always find the time to let your partner know how much respect you have for him as a father. Make Father’s Day a special time of showing appreciation. You can make a short family video or hang up a banner with the kids. Tell him what you most love about being parents together.

Filed Under: babies, communication, couples, family, fathers, health, healthy relationship, love

The Same Argument Every Day? 5 Ways to Stop the Fight

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After living with your partner for a while, you fall into coAdd subtitle textmfortable patterns.  Sometimes, the patterns come to feel like home in and of themselves; you feel cared for and safe. Everything seems to be going well (sits back and relaxes*). You’re not out of the woods yet, though (sits back up*). Communication between you and your partner can also start to look pretty routine. Unfortunately, at certain points in your relationship, conflicts can keep popping up again and again too—often about seemingly trivial things. “Why can’t we move past this?” you wonder.

Whether you’ve lived here in Oakland all your life, or are from somewhere halfway across the world, anyone can get stuck using the same language with your spouse and using a pattern of not really hearing each other.

The good news is that you can stop the fight without stopping all the good stuff too (phew!*). It just might take some extra work.

When arguments become repetitive, a few things have probably happened: You’re angry not just about what’s happening now, but also about the memory of the last fight. And your fuse is so short, it feels much easier to spar with each other than to talk.

5 Steps to End the Eternal Fight

1. Take a seat

If you and your partner have been arguing about your workloads around the house, the next time your partner doesn’t unload the dishwasher, feelings of blame and unfairness can crop up immediately. You might feel like you just want to get all your anger out while it’s boiling. Taking a “time-out” to sit down with each other gives you a few moments to collect yourselves, and it makes resolving the conflict your central focus.

2. Disagree as a team

When you and your partner argue, it’s all too easy to let the disconnect take center stage. Maybe you say hurtful things to each other, not caring in the moment how the remark might land. If you commit to sticking together even when you’re fighting, showing flashes of affection amidst the hail storm, it often becomes less about who’s right or wrong, and more about moving on together.

3. Take responsibility

Sometimes when you’re arguing with your partner or spouse, it can be tempting to immediately say “no!” to all accusations, even if the angry words belie some kernel of truth. When you take responsibility for the things you really have done or said, you stop the verbal ping-pong, and start moving toward something that looks a little less like anger, and a little more like discussion.

4. Find the subtext

Seemingly trivial arguments about chores or social commitments are often the tip of much murkier icebergs. It makes sense that if you assume the worst about your partner, you’d be pretty upset. Rather than jumping to a conclusion about your spouse’s motivations, be inquisitive. Be inquisitive about your own motivations and feelings too. Explain that you’re not really angry about a dirty dish, it’s more that you feel like you often have to retrace his steps for him.

5. Find solutions

When you and your partner are left to your own emotional devices, you might get so caught up in arguing that you don’t get to the best part—moving forward. Offer up solutions, even if you’re not sure they’ll work. Show your partner that working on your life together is always your main goal (riding into sunset*).

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, love, romance Tagged With: , , , , ,

Lasting Marriages: When the Courtship Never Ends

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In an ideal world, wEspresso Shot (2)hen you’re planning on getting married, “what if we end up divorcing?” isn’t a question that crosses your mind. But we live in the real world, a world where the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that 6.8 people out of 1,000 get married and 3.6 out of 1,000 get divorced. That’s just over half of all married people! I also think its ok to have the question cross your mind, because that means you are serious about the commitment.

So how can you make sure your marriage is a lasting one? Friends and family will probably give you lots of advice, solicited or otherwise. Let’s check in with some couples who have been married 50 years, and hear what worked for them. Although things have changed dramatically since 1963, its always a good thing to check in and see what you can learn from people who came before you.

Three tips from three Oakland, CA couples married in 1963:

1. Never go to bed mad.

Stewing over your anger for too long can lead to bitterness, or compounding the issue at hand with other things, making it into a bigger deal than it was. Better to address differences sooner, rather than later. Plus, you’ll get a better night’s sleep!

2. Find a way to laugh together every day.

Laughing together brings you closer. Scientific research has shown that laughter produces endorphins, those chemicals in your body that make you “feel good.” A 1990 study in the International Journal of Aging & Human Development found that couples who had been married for several decades listed “a sense of humor” among their top three reasons for their relationship’s success.

3. Be able to say “yes, Dear.”

Some things are more important than always having the last word, or always expressing your opinions. Simply saying “yes, dear” rather than “yes, dear, but…” is harder than it sounds. Communication is important, but so is knowing when to just let the other person have their say.

 

If you’re already doing these things, what else should you keep in mind to make your marriage strong? Here are some other ideas.

One plus one does not equal one.

There’s no such thing as a soulmate, that is, someone who is a perfect match. It’s better to think about being complementary, rather than about being “one and the same.” There will certainly be differences between you and your loved one, from minor lifestyle choices like food preferences, to bigger ones like how to raise children. The great thing about being in a relationship is being able to see the world in a different way, through someone else’s eyes. Instead of trying to fit someone into a template, cherish the different perspectives he or she has to offer.

No one’s perfect.

Expecting smooth sailing almost ensures you’ll have trouble when you hit some bumpy water. On the scale of easy to difficult, relationships surely measure up more toward the latter than the former. No one is perfect, not even the love of your life, the apple of your eye. Exercising forgiveness over small things is a good habit to get into. It helps develop creative problem-solving skills that might come in handy for whatever happens down the road.

Communication is key.

Everyone’s heard this one before, but it’s so important that it bears repeating. Be sure to listen to your partner, even when you disagree with his or her point of view. It shows respect.

Marriage should not be the death of courtship.

Here’s one last tip. Don’t stop “dating” when you get married. This is another one you’ve probably heard before, but it’s so easy to get stuck in the mindset of everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, work, and caring for children, that sometimes we all need to take a step back and examine our relationship from a distance. When you first start seeing someone, you are each trying to “win over” the other. Your spouse or spouse-to-be probably fell in love with you because you have compatible goals and dreams and you also made him or her feel special. So keep being that person! Make time to un-bog yourself from the daily demands of life and spend regular quality time together. Cast off your worries for an evening, and just have fun!

Filed Under: arguing, communication, couples, couples counseling, divorce, health, healthy relationship, purpose, romance Tagged With: , , , , , , ,