Healing Happens Therapy

you can heal, we can help.

Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

More Than Cards and Candy: How to Give the Gift of Deeper Love

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Healthy romance requires a delicate sense of balance. Yes, of course, there can be a time for cards and candy. But long-term love is not just swiping right or sharing the best meme. Sustainable, evolving, and deeper love is a process—not a destination. It begins with getting in touch with your own feelings and patterns in the realm of love and romance.

What is Deeper Love?

For starters, it might help to offer some examples of what deeper love is not:

  • Being “soul mates”
  • A belief that “love at first sight” is enough
  • The requirement that partners fulfill all of each other’s needs
  • How much money you spend on gifts
  • It’s not easy, it’s not always permanent, and it never includes abuse

The list could go on but you may see the pattern that what we’re taught by pop culture can be sabotaging our relationships. Deeper love cannot be purchased and does not require a price tag. But it does require your full attention and a willingness to learn and work.

6 Ways to Give the Gift of Deeper Love

1. Re-Imagine Intimacy

In the beginning, there is lust. This isn’t meant to imply that lust is temporary. However, how we experience intimacy will change. It must change. Translation: There is much more to deep intimacy than intercourse. Deeper love can find a home with every gentle touch, cuddle, neck massage, and moment of sustained eye contact.

2. Never Take Your Relationship or Partner for Granted

You’re never finished learning how to love. Each day offers a new opportunity to grow and discover. Your foundation is eroded each time you don’t make the effort. Every time you think things are good enough, you run the risk things turning bad. Relationships require commitment. Pop culture jokes about this being scary. In reality, it’s some of the most meaningful work you’ll ever do.

3. Build a Foundation of Trust

Thanks to our smartphone society, there are more ways than ever to be unfaithful. Privacy is a right. Secrecy can be a poison. Talk openly about boundaries and needs. Make sure to speak out when you have concerns. Learn to trust and then put in the work to fortify that trust.

4. Love Other Things Together

You love each other. What do you love together? While it’s crucial to create independent lives, it’s equally as important to cultivate new adventures and interests together. A few suggestions:

  • Take cooking lessons together at Kitchen on Fire
  • Learn how to row at California Canoe & Kayak
  • Become swingers at Trapeze Arts
  • Get your sizzle on at Argentine Tango

5. Don’t Mistake Jealousy for Deep Love

Controlling your partner is not a sign of love. Suspicion is not romantic. Jealousy may be a common punchline but it’s not funny in real life. Go back to #3 and work on that trust foundation. Create a connection in which questions are welcome and transparency is the norm.

6. Communicate

It all comes back to this. As a couple, you must communicate. You must never stop communicating. Perhaps most importantly, you must never stop learning new ways to communicate.

Cards, Candy, and…what about Counseling?

Evolving love and compatibility takes work to happen. Such work requires some skills. Learning those skills is not a do-it-yourself task. In counseling—perhaps at our Valentine’s VIP Couples Intensive—deeper love can be explored. This includes developing ways to express your love. Let’s face it, we’re not really encouraged to dig deep and bare our souls on this holiday. But romance and relationships do not thrive on cards and candy alone. Discovering more about yourselves at Healing Happens Therapy is a great start to giving more and enjoying more in all facets of your life together.

Filed Under: couples counseling, healthy relationship, holidays, romance

What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

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What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

What a time to be alive! That line may be the stuff of silly memes, but it has a very serious side, too. Rapid changes in how we communicate have significantly changed the field of mental health for the better. Scheduling difficulties, time restraints, and even geographical distance no longer automatically prevent you from working with the therapist of your choice. Thanks to telemental healthcare, the playing field has shifted.

What is Telemental Healthcare?

Sure, therapists have been doing phone sessions in a pinch for years. Today, however, teletherapy is a featured service and this means using a face-to-face video platform. Your device may be:

  • Desktop computer
  • Laptop
  • Tablet
  • Smartphone

What matters is that you’re comfortable with the technology and are able to arrange for a private time. From there, it’s just like any other session with your therapist—without the commute, rush, or barriers created by a disability. The video platform allows important elements like voice inflections and facial gestures to be factored in.

What You Need to Know About Telemental Healthcare

1. Ask your therapist about their experience

Not all counselors are skilled or comfortable using telemental healthcare. Ask questions about their experience. Perhaps try one session first before committing to this format.

2. Talk to your therapist about the video platform being used

Of course, privacy is paramount. Licenced therapist use HIPPA compliant platforms. To keep your information private, make certain the platform is the most secure choice available.

3. Learn about state laws

State licensure and regulations vary from state to state. This could impact your ability to work with your preferred therapist. Clarify all such details with your counselor before beginning.

4. Is it right for you?

If you can easily get to a physical appointment, are you the kind of person for whom this is optimal? Sometimes, to have a specific go-to venue for counseling is part of the benefit. The goal and purpose of telemental healthcare is not merely a convenience. As with all modalities, it’s about recovery and results.

The Benefits of Online Therapy

1. Making the impossible possible

The most obvious benefit is a drastic reduction in scheduling obstacles. For example, if your job takes you temporarily from Oakland to Los Angeles, or you work a different schedule like a fireman, it no longer means you will go without therapy during that time. Of course, telemental healthcare is especially important for those with a disability that makes traveling a challenge.

2. Countering the stigma

We’ve come a long way, but the stigma of therapy can still exist for some. Even today, individuals can face family or work pressure surrounding their choice to seek therapy. Scheduling a location other than a therapist’s office may provide privacy and peace of mind.

3. It may coincide with your specific needs

You may, for example, be seeking therapy due to depression or severe social anxiety. These circumstances quite possibly could make it daunting for you to commit to a regular appointment outside your home. “Teletherapy,” in such cases, is an ideal entry point for moving towards recovery.

How to Connect with an Online Therapist

Telemental healthcare is a relatively new approach. As touched on above, it has unique requirements. Therefore, those seeking to try this method must choose carefully. Equally so, tele-therapists must wisely discern which patients are best able to adapt to the video platform. To learn more, and perhaps get started in the realm of telemental healthcare, contact Healing Happens Therapy for a free consultation.

Filed Under: balance, calm, communication, couples counseling, depression, divorce, family, goals, health, healthy relationship, infidelity, men's couseling, new years resolutions, parenting, purpose, reframe, self care, self help, self love, stress, therapy, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How to Get Close, Stay Close, and Like It: A Guy’s Guide

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Most men would love to be in a relationship. But many men are also afraid of being in a relationship. Some men don’t even realize that they have this issue – they just find one reason after another not to become too intimate.

If you are looking for help in intimacy, therapy can be very successful. It can help you to understand what is going on, and help you with identifying the underlying issues, including traumatic experiences from the past, that prevent you from enjoying intimacy today.

Here are a few steps in a guy’s guide to intimacy

Get close

Letting your guard down

If you wear your armor, if you have a weapon ready at all times, if you are alert to the danger of being invaded – well, then you have your guard up.

Nobody can hurt you. And nobody can touch you.

The first step towards getting close to someone else is to let them touch you. Physically and emotionally.

Think about it: this person is not an enemy.

Showing emotions

 Boys are often taught not to show emotions. But men still have feelings! Sometimes these feelings can even be stronger because they are hidden away. Most of all, getting close to another person involves outwardly expressing emotions.

If you have always been told not to show your feelings, you may be nervous when others show them. It might even be a reason to push them away. Maybe those ‘clingy’ women you knew were really just showing their feelings and it was up to you to respond by showing them yours.

If you have a lot of trouble with this, there are Oakland-Berkeley Men’s Groups that may also help you get accustomed to showing emotions and expressing them in a safe space.

Being a man

Men are told to ‘be a man’. That’s the most important thing in life. And the fear of being thought ‘unmanly’ immediately brings that guard back up.

However, there are many ways to be a man. Becoming cold and distant out of fear is only one of them, and is it really? It is the one that keeps you from intimacy.

Taking the big risk

Once you have your guard down, once you let somebody touch you, you are taking a big risk. That’s real. Yes, you can be hurt. Yes, you can inadvertently hurt someone else.

But, once you get close, who knows what may happen.

Stay close

Letting someone else know you

When you have decided to take that big risk and let somebody touch you, they will know who you are. You won’t be able to keep up a façade. They will know how you act, in bed, in the morning, after a hard day at work.

You will need to overcome your fear of giving that knowledge away. Yes, knowledge is also power. It’s just what happens in intimate relationships.

Getting hurt (that big risk!)

And when you stay close to someone, at some point, you will get hurt. It’s inevitable.

Are you man enough to take that risk? Can you tolerate that pain and transform it into the foundation of a long lasting partnership? Just like when you’re working out in the Bay Club or at 24 hour gym you’re building muscle.

Sharing

Remember when you were a toddler and asked to share?

You knew the joy of sharing then, before you were told to be an alpha male and take more than you gave away to others.

An intimate partnership is all about sharing. And sharing is a skill – just ask the toddler inside you! You can learn it every day. And it will bring you a lot of enjoyment.

Being a man

Taking the risk of intimacy is a big bold thing to do. It takes a lot of courage. You’ll be in charge of your love life, instead of being ruled by fear.

Like being close

Being connected

Try it. Feeling intimately connected to another person gives you a place where you belong. In addition, it expands your ability to feel and empathize. And it surpasses any connection you might have with a pet, or a place, or even with a friend.

Feeling your heart

No, that’s not a soppy romantic phrase. When you start to like intimacy, you will also discover more about what is going on in your own heart.

The joy of intimacy

… just like the ground-breaking book ‘The Joy of Sex’ that made it easier for people to talk about their erotic desires and explore them, the joy of intimacy comes with talking and listening. Listen to your partner and also to your therapist along the way.

Being a man

Being a man means being human. To experience the full range of being human. Getting close, staying close and liking to be close and intimate with someone else is a vital part of that experience.

Give yourself a chance to go for it. If you aren’t already interested in someone special, Oakland has a very rich and varied dating scene. Out there is a person looking for closeness and intimacy who may already be waiting for you.

Filed Under: communication, couples counseling, healthy relationship, is she the one, life coaching, love, men's couseling, ready fro change, romance, self help, sexual intimacy

Couples In Conflict: Who’s fault is it?

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In my role as a divorce mediator, I have a lot in common with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist like Kelly believe it or not!

How you ask?

  • We both work with couples in conflict;
  • We both work with couples who have taken a bit of time to get to where they are in their relationship;
  • Ultimately, we both try to move couples forward towards a successful resolution.

The main (and obvious) difference of course, is that we have a different definition of “forward” as she actively guides couples forward with the goal of saving their marriage, while I guide them towards ending it.

Now you may think that couples counseling and divorce mediation have absolutely nothing in common. But the truth is, it’s often the very same issue that has couples end up in Kelly’s office also can lead them to mine.

Want to know what it is? Keep reading and I’ll tell you!

Taking Credit Is Easy But Taking Blame Is Hard!

If you ask anyone in my profession, and I’m guessing for MFT’s too, couples in conflict usually have one thing in common: Whenever something goes wrong it’s your fault.  Not me, but you.

From the little things like “you never empty the dishwasher” to “you never make the bed” to the big ones like “you spent all of our savings on a Unicorn farm” or “you missed my mother’s funeral to go to a baseball game.”

And while I can’t tell anyone how to feel, or if their claims of blame have merit or not, there is one thing these types of conversations all have in common: they’re all about “you.”

On the other hand, just like there are two sides to every coin, for every “you” there is also a “me.”

In addition to “you” and “your,” I’ve found that “me, myself, and I” are also prominently featured in any conversation held by a couple in conflict.

When couples in conflict argue, and they’re discussing something that went well, it’s because I made it happen.

“It was me who bought us this house” or “I made that money all by myself.” Never once mentioning the other person and offering them any shred of credit for anything good that happened in their collective lives.

Whenever something goes right it was “me” who did it.

Often Times That’s The Difference Between Success And Failure

It can take time, but ultimately, if you are able to regulate your frustration, you will have the ability to shoulder some of the responsibility for where things went sideways and lead you and your spouse to the place where you presently find yourselves.

I’m not saying you need to shoulder the entire responsibility, but it’s important to recognize our own part in the relationship.

You are a couple. And couples need to sink or swim together. If one of you has a success, likely both of you had a success. If one of you had a misstep, most of the time, both of you played a role in that misstep.

Keeping an open mind and a willingness to accept some of the responsibility to what got you here in the first place, to me is the key to moving past your current difficulties and repairing your relationship.

On the other hand, couples, who continue the cycle of blame, not only wind up talking to a divorce mediator, but worse yet, usually wind up in expensive and ruinous divorce litigation. Putting them and their children through one of life’s great tragedies – a long an expensive trip through our legal system.

So Ask Yourself This Question

When you find yourself having difficulties in your relationship and are looking to fix it, ask yourself one simple question: “what role did I play in getting us here?”

If you’re willing to be open and honest when answering that question, only then will you truly be open to the possibility of saving your marriage.

Otherwise you’ll end up in my office and trust me when I tell you, you don’t want that.

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Joe Dillon is a Divorce Mediator and Founder of Equitable Mediation Services; he helps client couples get a divorce without a lawyer if they so choose in Illinois and New Jersey.

Filed Under: arguing, couples counseling, divorce, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

How to Set Expectations for Valentine’s Day

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How to Set Expectations for Valentine's Day // healinghappenstherapy.com

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! It’s a fun holiday to shower our family, friends and significant others with love and appreciation.

However, some people set extremely high expectations on what should happen on this day, and then later are left feeling disappointed when things didn’t go quite according to their plans. They imagined a fairytale romantic day, but instead got a watered down version that wasn’t as exciting as they thought it would be.

A few years back, there was a study done where Facebook status updates were analyzed, and it showed that right before and right after Valentine’s Day there were spikes of breakups.

So why is it that couples are more likely to breakup around this time of year? It may be due to their expectations.

How the Inner Critic Can Ruin This Holiday

Don’t let the pressure of the holiday get inside your mind. The Inner Critic can be a cruel, harsh voice in our heads. It can heighten our insecurities and bring up questions that were never there before. It can ruin Valentine’s Day for people by:

  • Making them doubt themselves
  • Questioning their relationship
  • Attacking their partner
  • Destroying the romance

Don’t let internal struggles ruin time with your companion this year or sabotage the day. Look within to figure out what is making you feel so insecure. Ask those difficult questions. Is there a deeper issue that needs to be worked on? Are there past situations that you never dealt with? If so, then take the next steps, like speaking with a professional therapist. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland can help to begin the healing process.

How to Set Expectations for Valentine’s Day

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, some people want the works: attention, gifts, flowers, chocolates, cards, jewelry, trips, homemade thought out items, etc. But how realistic are these notions of expressing our love?

Another study found that couples that had positive expectations going into a relationship were more likely to face disappointment and problems in their relationship later down the road. While having a good mindset going into a relationship can be beneficial when it improves behavior and circumstances, having too high of expectations can be very damaging if things don’t work out the way one person expected them to.

Here are some things a couple can do before Valentine’s Day arrives to set themselves up for success:

Communicate with each other.

Don’t watch the days pass by, getting closer to the holiday without any ideas on what you want to do together. By discussing a plan-of-action and knowing what each person wants to do will help to take a lot of the pressure off. Be sure to express feelings, concerns or fears going into the holiday. If money is tight, then talk about ways you can afford to celebrate and still enjoy the day.

Head into the holiday with appropriate expectations.

Often people feel disappointed when their expectations are not met. As you discuss ideas with your partner, let them know what you’re expecting, but be realistic. It’s easy to get caught up and daydream about lavish dates that you see on TV or posts on social media, but don’t let those cloud your vision of reality. Maybe you can’t afford the Hornblower Cruises’ Romantic Valentine’s Day cruise around the bay, but you can rent some romcoms or old romantic movies, order in your favorite food and spend the evening together on the couch. It’s the time with each other that matters the most, and how you make that time special. You are worth more than just “it’s the thought that counts,” just make sure the thought is specific for you and your lifestyle and income and situation.

Don’t put a ton of pressure on the other person.

With everything else that may be going on in our busy lives, stressing over this holiday shouldn’t be at the top of our lists. And if your significant other is busy on February 14th, is sick or just in some kind of mood and doesn’t want to celebrate, then provide that flexibility for them and schedule another date night on the calendar. Show compassion and support for them just by allowing yourself to understand where they are at in that moment. Remember, not everyone gets mushy over this holiday or even remembers it, but if it’s important to you, and you have talked about it with your partner previously, then you know you’ve done your best, and life just got in the way this time. Don’t take it personally.

Worry more about what you’re giving than what you’re getting.

If you and your partner decide to give gifts this year, focus more on what you’re giving or making for them than worrying about what you’re getting. This will shift your attention from yourself to your loved one, and then you can concentrate even harder on making the day even more special for them. Studies have shown that people get more pleasure out of doing things for others than themselves.

4 Easy, Simple Ways to Express Your Love

Once expectations have been set, now is the time to think about what you’re going to do to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Here are a few simple ways to show the other person how much you love them while keeping realistic expectations.

  1. Create new traditions with each other. Traditions aren’t just for the big holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Couples can also start doing things together every year and make it special so they look forward to it each Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s baking red velvet cupcakes, getting a couple’s massage, eating at your favorite restaurant, buying your favorite bottle of wine and exchanging homemade cards, or simply just taking a walk through Joaquin Miller Park. Get create and start your own new traditions.
  1. Ditch the “normal” routine and spice things up a bit by throwing in some curves. It can get boring doing the same things over and over. Do something different neither of you have done before, try new things, go to new places and explore. These exciting, new experiences will also help to release oxytocin (aka the love hormone) in the brain, which has the effect of bonding you to the other person. You’ll feel closer than ever and build an even stronger relationship.
  1. Go the extra mile and give something that has special meaning to your companion. When thinking about what to do for your companion, be sure to put yourself in their shoes and focus on their wants and desires, not yours. What may sound like a perfect gift to you may not mean the same thing to them. So think about what would make the other person happy, put a smile on their face or fill them with excitement. Be sensitive to their feelings and interests. The reward will be so much fulfilling for you to see the joy on their face.
  1. Express your gratitude. Some swept up in the materialism of Valentine’s Day, but what it really comes down to is being grateful for the love ones in our lives. Take a moment to express your gratitude to your partner, family and friends. Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate them. There are people out there who are not fortunate enough to have a community of loved ones around them. Close your eyes for a few minutes and allow all the wonderful memories and moments you’ve had with your family and friends over the past year to surface, relive those experiences, and then acknowledge your gratitude for them.

Have fun this Valentine’s Day and remember, it’s not about the giving or the getting, it’s about the loving!

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, gratitude, love, romance Tagged With: , , ,

How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members

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How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members // healinghappenstherapy.com

Healthy relationships are based on physical and emotional boundaries. Knowing when and how to set boundaries with others is a skill that must be learned. Unfortunately, some of us are never taught this valuable skill.

When we know and understand what our limits are, we can be rest assured that we’re establishing healthy boundaries. However, some people are scared of setting boundaries for fear of hurting other people’s feeling or because they’ve experienced some negative reactions, like getting yelled at, getting in trouble or being “black listed” as a “trouble maker.”

Although establishing boundaries can sometimes be a hard thing to know how to do, it’s also not fair for anyone to feel helpless or scared or “walked on,” being taken advantage of or having their privacy invaded.  You deserve to feel great in relation to others. Learning how to stand up for ourselves and let those intruding in our lives, especially those pesky family members, know that we need space and that we have boundaries, will help your comfort levels in the end.

Signs That You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Knowing when to set boundaries with others and yourself can be hard to tell on your own. Often, it’s not a self-witnessing event.  It can look more like others telling you that they need their space or you are bonding too quickly.

However, there are signs that can reveal how unhealthy the relationship you’re in truly is. They can be hard to recognize but in doing so, you’re acknowledging your own emotional issues. This can be scary for many people but it means that you can start to change not only your unhealthy relationship with the other person, but also with yourself. This will bring attention towards building a healthier relationship with the other person.

Here are five signs that suggest your relationship (and perhaps yourself) need some attention:

  1. Happiness or contentment, as well as self-esteem, are based solely off the relationship.
  2. Other relationships are neglected because of the compulsion to be in that relationship.
  3. There is an extreme need, fear or anxiety to want to fix problems when conflict or disagreements arise in the relationship.
  4. An interdependent emotional connection is created and feelings are absorbed by each other. When one person feels angry, upset or anxious, then the other person feels angry, upset or anxious.
  5. The connection is so strong with the other person that when they are away or unable to communicate with, the person feels extreme loneliness, which causes an irrational need to reconnect.

Why You Need to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a separation between two things. For example, walls and fences would be examples of material boundaries. However, relational boundaries are quite different.

When two people connect, boundaries separate them and help to distinguish each person’s unique identity from each other. The closer the relationship, like with a parent or sibling or other family member, the harder it can be to recognize or establish boundaries with one another.

Nevertheless, it’s important for a person to live their own way of life. By setting boundaries, they are teaching their loved ones how to treat them. A line must be drawn so the person feels safe. If a family member steps over the line, then the relationship can start to become enmeshed.

Each person should take responsibility for their own actions for the relationship to work properly. It can be difficult to figure out what belongs to you and what belongs to your loved one, but if you can determine how to sort things out, then the communication will be much stronger and each person will know what to attend to.

For example, there is certain information a parent can share with their child, like telling them how much they are loved and how proud of them they are, and certain details that they should refrain from expressing to them, like private confidences, marital problems and sexual intimacy.

If boundaries need to change within a family dynamic, it can be challenging to re-draw that line, but it must be done to keep everyone content. The best way to do this is to keep the lines of communication open, be honest and keep practicing this skill with each other.

How to Set Boundaries with Family Members

When the time is realized that change needs to happen with the family and new boundaries need to be set or just established in general if they never were, here are some tips to keep in mind:

  • Start with small boundaries. Discuss little things that can be done by both parties and avoid accusing or judging each other. Express love for one another but try not to point out what someone did wrong. Each person needs to be sure to follow through with what they said they are going to do, which creates a space for respect and care.
  • Take time for self-care. When a person is too involved in the relationship, it’s a good idea for them to start spending time alone, connecting with others, like friends or co-workers, taking up new hobbies or doing things that they have a passion for. They need to learn that they can still be happy without the other person. They will have more time to work on parts of their life that make them feel needy, insecure and unhealthy.
  • Know your own boundaries. If a person isn’t sure what their boundaries are, then it will be hard to communicate them to others. Take time to look within and determine what makes you feel comfortable, safe and happy. What are you willing to accept and tolerate? Identify those feelings so you can express them.
  • Allow yourself to have boundaries. Some people may feel uncomfortable telling a family member “no” even though they are already stretched too thin, or feel like they are being taken advantage of but too fearful to speak up. However, to give yourself permission to even have boundaries is practicing self-respect and building a stronger relationship.
  • Seek help from an expert. When the conversation just isn’t moving things forward or people are having a difficult time expressing their feelings, it may be time to speak with a professional. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland offers assistance to couples or families by bringing emotions to the surface and helping everyone establish their boundaries.

Remember, trust and friendship are earned overtime and are not automatic. Often, you might feel drained or overwhelmed. Check to make sure you are balancing taking care of yourself and others.

Filed Under: arguing, balance, communication, couples counseling, family, healthy relationship Tagged With: , , , , ,

5 Ways to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy

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5 Ways to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy // healinghappenstherapy.com

If you’re walking around with your partner around Lake Merritt in Oakland and an attractive man or woman glances over at them and smiles and your partner smiles back, you may feel a twinge of jealousy. It’s normal and very natural to feel these feelings.

However, when someone allows jealousy to overtake their mind and creep into every aspect of their life, then they may have problems dealing with this emotion. It can even damage their relationships if they act on their jealous thoughts. It can leave many people feeling very bitter or angry towards their significant other.

Why People Become Jealous

Some people compare themselves to others these days, especially when scanning through social media posts, where we see more intimate details of people’s lives. It’s easy to think others’ lives are much easier, better and more fulfilling than our own. They may see someone else’s strengths, lifestyle, relationship, and successes as a threat, and only see the negative in their own life. This can trigger feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy enough or bring insecurities to the surface.

However, most jealousy happens in romantic relationships. There may be a lack of trust between each other. One person may have experienced betrayal in the past from another ex-partner and now has trust issues with their current partner. Or, one person may have done something to the other that offended or upset them and now they can’t trust their partner.

When two people decide to be in a relationship with each other or agree to monogamy, they are essentially creating a verbal contract between one another. When someone does something that breaks that “contract,” conflict and jealousy can ensue, especially if the couple never defined the value of their “agreement.” This breach of trust can cause a person to react in a jealous manner.

When someone does not feel like they have value or contributes value to the relationship, they might feel unworthy or simply can’t recognize their own strengths and attributes.  It is then that jealousy can arise. This person may think they just aren’t good enough and someone else may be better suited for their companion. They have a fear that their loved one may want to look for a replacement or feel that their cherished connection is being threatened.

The critical voices in our heads can lead us to such deep brooding feelings of jealousy.  They can foster feelings of self-doubt and instill a level of of criticism that keeps people from feeling truly lovable. When we formulate these fantasies about what we think is going on, we’re really confusing ourselves with what is actually going on. We confuse reality with fantasy and only see what we want to see, which isn’t always the truth or real.

How Jealousy Can Be Harmful to Relationships

When you’re sharing your life with someone, you’re building a level of trust with them. But when you think something is going on behind your back, it’s easy to start a fight, accuse the other person of betraying you or break your commitment to them.

Paranoia is a side effect of jealousy and can lead to terrible consequences. When a person in the relationship starts to take action on their feelings, and it’s not done in the right way, things can start to get ugly. It’s wise to stop, take a deep breath and check in on things with yourself first.

Find out why these jealous feelings are surfacing. Here are some questions to ask:

  • Was something breached by your partner?
  • Can you talk to them about it?
  • Can you focus your attention inward to see why you’re feeling this way?
  • How are you viewing your own levels of self-worth and personal values?
  • Why do you feel like you are being threatened emotionally?
  • Is something stirring from the past that hasn’t been deal with yet?

When a person directs critical thoughts inward and believes these thoughts, they can start to disrupt the connection with their partner. A couple that once was strong may now become weak because of the person’s insecurities getting in the way of the relationship and mores other relationship with the Self. Suddenly the couple is dealing with a lot of drama and conflict. This will threaten the relationship and cause a rift to form between the two people.

How to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy

It is possible to overcome and deal with jealousy issues.

  1. Evaluate the emotions stirring inside. Reflect back on your past for a moment and see if there are any lingering negative emotions that still need to be dealt with. Maybe there was a traumatizing event that happened to you and you never learned how to cope with it; therefore, those thoughts and feelings will be brought into your relationship.  If there aren’t any past emotional issues that are obvious to deal with, then find out why there is this internal conflict happening and do some self-study. Practicing mindfulness will help to calm your racing thoughts and runaway emotions.
  1. Define your own boundaries. Decide what feels right to you and what level of interactions feel safe. This will help you to recover your personal power so you are able to gain more control over your emotions and refrain from acting in a reactive manner. Identify what triggers such strong emotions within and what core beliefs are being used.
  1. Learn how to communicate your boundaries with your partner. Open communication is key to any relationship. Sit down with each other and calmly discuss the issues that are arising within you. If you need the other person to be honest with you, then tell them. Express what you need from them to work through these problems.
  1. Never stop asking for what you need. If jealousy pops up in the moment, learn how to take care of yourself. Figure out what you need to do for you. But you should also learn how to observe and accept your jealous feelings as it’s part of being human. But when you feel like you want to take action on those feelings, stop for a moment and decide if you’re acting on made-up beliefs or reality. Remember that no one has to obey or follow through on poor behavior due to their jealous thoughts.

5. Seek counseling. When intense feelings of jealousy are jeopardizing the relationship, it may be time to seek professional help. Healing Happens Therapy helps to guide couples into a space where they can openly and honestly speak about their feelings and emotions. Jealousy can feel very lonely but with the help and support of a therapist and your loved one, you can overcome it.

Filed Under: arguing, couples, couples counseling, self care, self help, self love Tagged With: , ,

Are You Good at Dealing with Conflict?

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Are You Good at Dealing with Conflict? // healinghappenstherapy.com

Conflict will always be a part of our lives – personally and professionally. There will always be stress and tension at home and in the workplace. It’s a natural occurrence between human interaction in relationships and groups.

However, many people get highly distressed when conflict arises and will do anything to stop it, avoid it or just ignore it. It’s because they never learned how to deal with problems and their emotions that come with it. When someone opposes or argues against what we’re doing or saying, we may feel threatened, angry, anxious or stressed.

But it’s important to know that there are two kinds of conflict: healthy and unhealthy. One works for us and the other works against us.

Healthy Conflict

Healthy conflict allows us to grow, move forward and come to an understanding or comprising result for both parties in a win-win situation. When we practice respect, fairness and make an effort with the other person, it helps to strengthen the relationship so we become closer to each other. Try to participate as a team to work through the conflict and have the mindset that both parties are equals and coming together to solve a problem.

When trying to resolve conflict in a healthy way, allow yourself to think rationally and be proactive instead of being reactive. Use creative thinking and open-mindedness to come to a fair resolution that will benefit both each person. Work towards being productive, not playing the “blame game.”

Unhealthy Conflict

Unhealthy conflict is the exact opposite of healthy conflict. A person may take things personally, attack the other person and show no signs of respect. They aren’t moving forward to finding a fair resolution for both parties or making an effort to work together. They argue aggressively with the other person, which is counterproductive because then they’re just spinning in circles as they go back and forth and no one gets anywhere. It doesn’t move the two people towards to a compromising solution.

People in unhealthy conflicts usually avoid problems and refuse to work through them. They don’t want to be bothered with the drama and do not care to participate in finding or creating a solution. These people may also like to manipulate others, place blame on others, or easily get upset and walk away. Their avoidance or disregard for the problem at hand can damage the relationship.

Benefits of Conflict

While it may not be something that anyone wants to do, facing the drama in life and addressing the conflicts with certain people will have many benefits in the long run. Healthy conflict can actually help people grow, create deeper bonds and improve relationships.

When people take the first step to deal with these negative emotions brought on by someone else and work through them, they will:

  • Grow closer together because they’re working through their differences with each other, understanding the other person and clarifying each of their needs and values.
  • Value the other’s perspective better. They don’t have to always agree with the other person, but they should try to understand where the person is coming from and see their viewpoint on the situation. They’ll begin to notice the differences each person has and recognize how differently their minds work.
  • Learn how to fight fair and respect the other person. Keep respect in mind while working through a problem so no one will be tempted to start name-calling, cursing, throwing insults at each other or bring up every problem that’s ever occurred. Approach the conflict with a curious mindset and stay on topic and not get distracted from past conflicts. Instead of becoming defensive with their own viewpoint, they’ll be more interested in what the other person has to say.
  • Own their part in the conflict. When they argue with someone, it’s a two-way street. Both people are part of the problem. When they realize that they play a part in the conflict as much as the other person, they’ll start to think of ways to contribute to the resolution. They’ll take ownership of their role in the problem and help to improve the situation.
  • Improve their listening skills. When they give their undivided attention and take the time to really listen to the other person, they’re giving the other person the space to open up to you and trust them. They should try to refrain from making any interruptions, remarks, or judgements while the other person is speaking. They just want to be fully present for the other person and allow them to express their thoughts and feelings.

How to Deal with Conflict

Here are five healthy ways to deal with conflict:

  1. Make time to talk. Ask the other person when a good time would be to talk about the conflict. If they are busy, ask to make an appointment with them and get on their calendar. It will only hurt the relationship to keep feelings and emotions bottled up. People need to release that anxiety, tension or fear and talk through things with the other person. It’s also best to deal with the conflict as soon as it arises and not push it aside to a later date. The sooner the problem is dealt with, the better off both parties will be.
  1. Express our thoughts and feelings. Each person should use “I” statements when talking with the other, like “I feel,” “I want,” “I need,” or “I wish.” Try to refrain from using accusatory statements, like “you did this,” or “this is your fault,” or “you were wrong.” When we speak from our hearts, the other person will begin to see our perspective and understand us better.
  1. Putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. If we act as if we are the other person and describe how we’re feeling, then the other person can agree, disagree or clarify things for us. We’ll gain a better understanding of their viewpoint and be able to work together easily.
  1. Be clear and specific with our wants and needs. We can’t expect the other person to read our mind, so we must express to them what we want or need from them to work through this conflict. When we’re direct and explicit, we’re giving the person a chance to meet our requests.
  1. Talk with a therapist. Sometimes it’s nice to have an objective third party enter the picture, such as Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland. They have the professional background and expertise to help us resolve our conflicts. Even if we go to therapy for years on end that doesn’t mean we’ll never argue again or come across any kind of conflict. The point of going to therapy and learning how to effectively communicate is to figure out how to weather the storms quicker, more efficiently, and move on.

Dealing with conflict will be tailored to our personalities. We don’t have to become someone else. If we feel like we’re an introvert, we can figure out how to make it possible to resolve things the way that works best for us.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing; it’s a reality. And knowing how to navigate that part of life is a true gem.

Filed Under: arguing, couples counseling, stress Tagged With: , , ,

How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner

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How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner // healinghappenstherapy.com

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or have been married for 20 years, you still want to keep that spark alive between you and your partner.  Passion can fade, turn dull and boring or become so predictable that you lose interest in the other person. However, the great thing is, you can turn things around in your relationship and increase that passion you once had or better yet, create brand new passion.

But first, think back to the time when you and your partner first started dating. It was new; it was exciting; it was full of heat. You probably felt your heart beating faster, your breath becoming heavier and your stomach flip-flopping anticipating their next move. You felt confident, beautiful, sexy and irresistible to them.

It’s time to feel that way again by doing two important things that will have you finding you and your partner irresistible once again.

Show Your Confidence

Have you ever been around someone that exudes confidence and just feels grounded in who they are? They know what they want and who they are, and it shows.  It’s magnetic. How do you get it?

Confidence is not about bragging what you have or what you’ve done. Being confident is about living your own life, on your own healthy terms. It’s about having a felt sense of your own inner wisdom, your right to be authentic and real and unapologetic for it.

You can ignore the naysayers of life, no passing judgment on yourself or others and be the truest form of Self that you can be.  The people you surround yourself with support you and your goals and dreams; they don’t stand in your way.  You like to dream big and take actions towards achieving those things.

When you feel good about who you are and love yourself unconditionally, then you are able to express that love to others. You are investing your heart and soul into yourself and also someone you’re passionate about, and they can feel that love, too.

Confident people tend to be more optimistic and think positively because they are able to take on life as it comes to them. They still get scared and have fear, but they also have a support system of folks cheering them on.  That support helps when obstacles are thrown their way. They can react calmly and take control of the situation and make successful adaptations.

When you feel good about yourself, others around you begin to feel good about themselves. It’s like a ripple effect.

Here are three ways to help boost your confidence:

  • Excel at things you’re good at, like your favorite hobbies. Success produces confidence, so invest in yourself and make time for the things you love to do. You don’t need to boast about your accomplishments, but just have personal awareness of them to raise your confidence.
  • Good self care: Feel better. Figure out what that means for you. Fresh air every day? Organizing your home? Moving your body? Processing your feelings by heading to therapy? Pick a few and make them stick.
  • Enhance your skills or weak areas to feel better about yourself. When you see how you’ve improved, you’ll begin to think more highly of yourself and your self-esteem will increase. You’ll have more pride in yourself and your work.

Show Interest in Your Partner’s World

It’s not always about you. When you show interest in your partner, you’re showing them that you are really interested in their world. You care about their likes, dislikes, philosophies, hobbies and interests. Head out and do fun activities together around Oakland and connect even more with each other. Get creative, compromise and even find yourself doing something you wouldn’t normally choose. You’ll create a thicker bond.

Relationships are about connecting to one another on much deeper levels as well, especially if you’re spending your life with someone. This can be crucial to a long-term couple. You must be mindful of each other and take the time to really get to know the other person. It’s not always what you do together but how you interact when you’re around each other.

When you express concern or interest towards them, you are allowing yourself to step aside and learning to dive into the other person’s world. Every day we’re responding or failing to respond, consciously or unconsciously, to our partner’s need for connection. Sometimes, it’s the day-to-day life and the little things that matter most. They might just want to know that you care.

People like to feel validated. When you ask the other person questions about their thoughts and feelings, you’re being with them in that moment, respecting their experiences and validating how they are thinking and feeling. You don’t always have to agree, just make space for them, show respect. You are able to get a glimpse of their world and see things through their perspective. It’s a way to show your understanding and acceptance of them just as they are. This sharing helps your partner to feel less stressed, upset, or vulnerable.

When couples share their innermost desires, thoughts and real feelings with each other, they become stronger together. They build up their levels of trust and intimacy, which creates longer lasting relationships.

Here are some ways to validate and show interest in your partner:

  • Practice mindful listening, where you fully pay attention to your companion, turning off all electronic devices and giving your undivided attention to them. Try to hold back your judgements and reactions to what they are saying. And, try to prevent yourself from attempting to fix, solve, advise or help the situation. Just listen.
  • When you see each other again in the evenings, ask how their day was and allow them to share their experiences with you.
  • Take time to sit down and talk periodically, asking open-ended questions to dive deeper into their stream of thought, hopes, fears and feelings. It can feel gratifying for them when they talk further about what they are thinking or feeling.

There are many ways to keep the spark alive in your marriage or relationship. It takes a bit of work and effort, but the payoff is so worth it to see that smile on their face and to hear how much they still love you after all these years and appreciate everything you do for them.

If you need more help in your relationship, Healing Happens Therapy can work with you and your partner to rebuild what you may have lost or work through any problems.

 

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, get your sexy back, healthy relationship, love Tagged With: , , , ,

Your Spouse Suffers from Depression — How can You Help?

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how to support a spouse's depressionWhen the flu strikes or a bone breaks, you know how to take care of your spouse. You visit the hospital, stock up on bandages, and apply ointments. You monitor recovery, taking temperatures or noting any serious changes.

With depression, no salve in the medicine cabinet offers relief. The pain can’t be wrapped up and tended to; the pain is in your spouse’s lack of interest or irritable words. It’s in unfinished chores you take on for yourself. It’s behind eyes that fail to register signs of hope.

Untreated depression can also spell trouble in your marriage. While struggling with an all-encompassing illness like depression, your spouse doesn’t have enough emotional energy to consistently engage in married life the way you both imagined. You could become depressed yourself.

So how can you help? It’s impossible to save your marriage, or your partner, on your own. What you can do is offer the steady support your partner needs to find the strength to rebuild.

Providing Support for a Spouse Suffering from Depression

· Know that depression is an illness.

Maybe your partner’s depression seemed to arrive out of nowhere. Maybe you understand why your partner began to feel depressed, but can’t figure out why it’s lasted this long.

Depression is like an autoimmune disease; the circuits and wires that help the brain or body function suddenly turn against themselves. Even though the damage that depression causes is in the mind, those who suffer from it neither invite nor control it.

Once you and your partner see depression as an illness, you can both identify that the problem isn’t your partner—it’s his depression that needs to be treated (light bulb moment!*).

· Encourage your partner to seek treatment.

The most important step you can take for your partner is to help him get his depression diagnosed and treated. Because there’s a lot of stigma surrounding depression, your partner could have a hard time talking about feelings he thinks others might not understand.

Because you love and care about your partner, you already have the most effective tools for talking about it. Let your partner know that you don’t like to see him suffer. Show that you’re not viewing his depression from a position of judgment; you just want to talk about practical options for getting better.

· Support your partner through treatment.

Consider offering to attend appointments and walk through treatment together. An action plan is an important part of healing, and you probably see that your partner needs help staying focused and motivated along the way.

Continue to be the good listener you are. They might not always want or be able to talk, so making yourself emotionally available is helpful. When they do want to talk, listen before interjecting. Your partner might be looking for advice, but they could also just be craving your support and validation.

· Practice patience.

No specific course of treatment for depression is universally effective. As a result, getting better often feels a lot like trial and error. Allow yourselves to celebrate progress when it happens.

Because your partner can’t get better overnight, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is invite your partner on a walk, or grab breakfast at Aunt Mary’s Café in Oakland—small trips out of the house to help take their mind off the pain.

· Take care of yourself.

As much as you want to help, remember that you can’t live your spouse’s life, and you don’t have a quick-fix tool to make his pain disappear. Let yourself off the hook and go out for a night with friends. Exercise and eat well. You don’t have to sacrifice your own needs to support your partner, or feel guilty for even having needs—taking care of yourself is important for both of you.

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, couples counsleing, depression

Talking About Sex vs. Mind Reading — 5 Reasons Why Talking is Best

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lady bug sex 1It’s no secret that the sex life you and your partner share plays a big role in how happy, safe, and loved you feel in your relationship. There’s even more to the story of sex than feeling physically good. Sex is a (very enjoyable) ritual of connection, drawing you and your partner into each other’s world.

So when it comes to twisting the sheets with your spouse, don’t be shy—talk about it! If you commit to being open with your partner about how you’re feeling in the bedroom, navigating a sometimes tricky subject can open you up to greater intimacy, not conflict (phew!*).

If you’re unsure or afraid of talking about sex, and usually find yourself mind reading instead, here are five great reasons to change tactics.

1. Mind reading won’t give you answers.

When it comes to figuring out what your partner likes in bed, talking gives you answers, while mind-reading yields guesses. If you’re not talking about sex, and jump to conclusions instead, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios can overwhelm you. You could start to feel really alone in your relationship or frustrated that you are not getting what you need. Talking about sex helps you avoid mistaking assumptions for truth.

2. Talking opens you up to another kind of intimacy.

Romantic intimacy is all about vulnerability. Part of the reason sex can so powerfully connect you to your partner is that it requires opening up, and accepting your partner’s vulnerability too. You might be more comfortable seducing your partner than talking about how, when, and why you do it, as touch can sometimes feel safer than words. But by sharing your vulnerable feelings, intimacy becomes even deeper.

So talk about it—how do you feel when your partner touches you? What would you like to do more of? Talking reinforces that your shared sex life is a relationship, not just an occasional meeting.

3. Your partner can still surprise you.

It might seem like after all these years, you know how to push your partner’s buttons, when to push them, and for how long. You might have a bedroom routine or even that is gone now. Sometimes you try to spice things up to keep the spark alive, but the spice you add often becomes awkward too. Or, maybe you feel like you’ve learned everything there is to know about the person who shares your bed.

In truth, your partner’s needs and preferences can change over time. They might want something in bed they never considered until now. The only way to take the temperature of your partner’s desires is to ask.

4. When you talk about sex, both of your needs are on the table.

If you’re unhappy with how things have been playing out in the bedroom, you can start to feel disconnected—like maybe your partner doesn’t understand you. If you’re tight-lipped about the tension, all the things you’re feeling build up. “This isn’t fair,” you might think, after your partner denies your advances a few times in a row.

When you talk about sex, both of your needs are out in the open. You might learn that your partner simply needs a different kind of foreplay to feel interested. You might surprise your partner with what turns you on too.

5. Talking is proactive.

If your sex life is feeling a little tense, talking about it can add fuel to frustrated fires. If you talk about sex when things are good, you set the stage for working together when things get tough. Talking about how you’re feeling prevents miscommunication from coming between you and your partner. So get out there and get busy!

Filed Under: couples counseling, Oakland, purpose, romance, sex, sexual intimacy Tagged With: , , , ,

The Same Argument Every Day? 5 Ways to Stop the Fight

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After living with your partner for a while, you fall into coAdd subtitle textmfortable patterns.  Sometimes, the patterns come to feel like home in and of themselves; you feel cared for and safe. Everything seems to be going well (sits back and relaxes*). You’re not out of the woods yet, though (sits back up*). Communication between you and your partner can also start to look pretty routine. Unfortunately, at certain points in your relationship, conflicts can keep popping up again and again too—often about seemingly trivial things. “Why can’t we move past this?” you wonder.

Whether you’ve lived here in Oakland all your life, or are from somewhere halfway across the world, anyone can get stuck using the same language with your spouse and using a pattern of not really hearing each other.

The good news is that you can stop the fight without stopping all the good stuff too (phew!*). It just might take some extra work.

When arguments become repetitive, a few things have probably happened: You’re angry not just about what’s happening now, but also about the memory of the last fight. And your fuse is so short, it feels much easier to spar with each other than to talk.

5 Steps to End the Eternal Fight

1. Take a seat

If you and your partner have been arguing about your workloads around the house, the next time your partner doesn’t unload the dishwasher, feelings of blame and unfairness can crop up immediately. You might feel like you just want to get all your anger out while it’s boiling. Taking a “time-out” to sit down with each other gives you a few moments to collect yourselves, and it makes resolving the conflict your central focus.

2. Disagree as a team

When you and your partner argue, it’s all too easy to let the disconnect take center stage. Maybe you say hurtful things to each other, not caring in the moment how the remark might land. If you commit to sticking together even when you’re fighting, showing flashes of affection amidst the hail storm, it often becomes less about who’s right or wrong, and more about moving on together.

3. Take responsibility

Sometimes when you’re arguing with your partner or spouse, it can be tempting to immediately say “no!” to all accusations, even if the angry words belie some kernel of truth. When you take responsibility for the things you really have done or said, you stop the verbal ping-pong, and start moving toward something that looks a little less like anger, and a little more like discussion.

4. Find the subtext

Seemingly trivial arguments about chores or social commitments are often the tip of much murkier icebergs. It makes sense that if you assume the worst about your partner, you’d be pretty upset. Rather than jumping to a conclusion about your spouse’s motivations, be inquisitive. Be inquisitive about your own motivations and feelings too. Explain that you’re not really angry about a dirty dish, it’s more that you feel like you often have to retrace his steps for him.

5. Find solutions

When you and your partner are left to your own emotional devices, you might get so caught up in arguing that you don’t get to the best part—moving forward. Offer up solutions, even if you’re not sure they’ll work. Show your partner that working on your life together is always your main goal (riding into sunset*).

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, love, romance Tagged With: , , , , ,