Healing Happens Therapy

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More Than Cards and Candy: How to Give the Gift of Deeper Love

February 13, 2018 by kellymontgomerymft

Healthy romance requires a delicate sense of balance. Yes, of course, there can be a time for cards and candy. But long-term love is not just swiping right or sharing the best meme. Sustainable, evolving, and deeper love is a process—not a destination. It begins with getting in touch with your own feelings and patterns in the realm of love and romance.

What is Deeper Love?

For starters, it might help to offer some examples of what deeper love is not:

  • Being “soul mates”
  • A belief that “love at first sight” is enough
  • The requirement that partners fulfill all of each other’s needs
  • How much money you spend on gifts
  • It’s not easy, it’s not always permanent, and it never includes abuse

The list could go on but you may see the pattern that what we’re taught by pop culture can be sabotaging our relationships. Deeper love cannot be purchased and does not require a price tag. But it does require your full attention and a willingness to learn and work.

6 Ways to Give the Gift of Deeper Love

1. Re-Imagine Intimacy

In the beginning, there is lust. This isn’t meant to imply that lust is temporary. However, how we experience intimacy will change. It must change. Translation: There is much more to deep intimacy than intercourse. Deeper love can find a home with every gentle touch, cuddle, neck massage, and moment of sustained eye contact.

2. Never Take Your Relationship or Partner for Granted

You’re never finished learning how to love. Each day offers a new opportunity to grow and discover. Your foundation is eroded each time you don’t make the effort. Every time you think things are good enough, you run the risk things turning bad. Relationships require commitment. Pop culture jokes about this being scary. In reality, it’s some of the most meaningful work you’ll ever do.

3. Build a Foundation of Trust

Thanks to our smartphone society, there are more ways than ever to be unfaithful. Privacy is a right. Secrecy can be a poison. Talk openly about boundaries and needs. Make sure to speak out when you have concerns. Learn to trust and then put in the work to fortify that trust.

4. Love Other Things Together

You love each other. What do you love together? While it’s crucial to create independent lives, it’s equally as important to cultivate new adventures and interests together. A few suggestions:

  • Take cooking lessons together at Kitchen on Fire
  • Learn how to row at California Canoe & Kayak
  • Become swingers at Trapeze Arts
  • Get your sizzle on at Argentine Tango

5. Don’t Mistake Jealousy for Deep Love

Controlling your partner is not a sign of love. Suspicion is not romantic. Jealousy may be a common punchline but it’s not funny in real life. Go back to #3 and work on that trust foundation. Create a connection in which questions are welcome and transparency is the norm.

6. Communicate

It all comes back to this. As a couple, you must communicate. You must never stop communicating. Perhaps most importantly, you must never stop learning new ways to communicate.

Cards, Candy, and…what about Counseling?

Evolving love and compatibility takes work to happen. Such work requires some skills. Learning those skills is not a do-it-yourself task. In counseling—perhaps at our Valentine’s VIP Couples Intensive—deeper love can be explored. This includes developing ways to express your love. Let’s face it, we’re not really encouraged to dig deep and bare our souls on this holiday. But romance and relationships do not thrive on cards and candy alone. Discovering more about yourselves at Healing Happens Therapy is a great start to giving more and enjoying more in all facets of your life together.

Filed Under: couples counseling, healthy relationship, holidays, romance

How to Alleviate Stress During the Holidays

December 17, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

How to Alleviate Stress During the Holidays // healinghappenstherapy.com

Even before you open your eyes in the morning, before your body fully wakes up, your mind is already in full force, thinking about everything you have to check off on your To Do list for the day, including all the extra things you have to do for the holidays. Sound familiar?

You may already live a busy, bustling life but then throw in the holidays and the stress levels can become quite overwhelming. There’s so much to do and so little time!

If you feel like you’re drowning during the holidays, then you’re not the only one. The holiday season can be very chaotic – trying to remember every person you need to buy a gift for, shopping for everyone on your list, fighting the heavy traffic and crowds in Oakland, cooking or baking everyone’s favorite dishes and desserts, planning and hosting holiday parties, sending out Christmas cards, and trying to spend time with your family. Whew! It’s exhausting!

10 Easy Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress

However, it doesn’t have to be such a hectic time of year. There are ways you can reduce the holiday stress and actually enjoy the merry season. Follow these 10 easy tips to help calm your nerves:

  1. Set a budget. The biggest stress surrounding the holiday season is the gift-giving aspect. Many people have financial restraints and worry about racking up credit card debt or finding the extra funds to do all their gift shopping. Plan ahead and set a budget. It could be per person or total for the whole season, but it will help alleviate a lot of stress and worry about your finances.
  1. Focus on your regular routine. With all the extra commitments, errands and tasks you do for the holidays, it’s easy to get off your normal routine. But try not to. Keep eating healthy, nutritious food, exercising daily, getting plenty of sleep, taking any supplements or vitamins and giving yourself time to rest and relax. It’ll feel like you have more control and give you the energy you need to keep up with everything. You’ll notice that it’s when you stray from the routine, you’ll start to feel fatigued and stressed.
  1. Practice time management. Plan out your days, weeks or even months leading up to the big day. Essentially, make a roadmap. If you’re a visual person, try actually writing out your list of things to do and holiday events in a planner, or use one of many free project/task management programs online, like MeisterTask, Asana or Trello. Scheduling everything out will keep you organized, focused and less frazzled.
  1. Make time for your family. Even with all the craziness going on, be sure to make quality time throughout the months to just be with your family and friends. This can include baking holiday treats, watching your favorite Christmas movie, listening to Christmas music as you decorate the house, going to the mall to see Santa, or just eating dinner together every night. And during this precious time, try to turn off all electronic devices for the evening, or just a couple hours at the very least, to give your undivided attention to your loved ones.
  1. Exercise. One of the best ways to reduce your stress is to get your body moving. Whether you get outside in the sunshine for a walk or hit the local gym, working out your muscles and body is a great way to induce endorphin release and stimulate the production of serotonin that make you naturally feel good and keep you happy.
  1. Just say “No!” Sometimes, you can’t do it all. That’s life. Learn to say “no” and don’t over-commit yourself. You may have to forgo a friend’s holiday party or step away from the kitchen this year and not make those cookies. Protect your valuable time and spend it where it’s truly needed. It’s not selfish to think about yourself. If you don’t take of yourself, how can you expect to take care of everyone else? Only commit to things that you know you can accommodate in your schedule.
  1. Get rid of traditions. It is possible to outgrow a tradition, especially when you feel like a slave to it. If you don’t enjoy a tradition any longer and it feels more like a chore than something fun to do, then ditch it for a new tradition. Or, if you’re not ready to fully get rid of it, find a way to improve it – make it cheaper, faster, easier, or better. When you’re loving what you do, you’ll enjoy your time doing it even more. You’ll begin to cherish that time and even look forward to the tradition.
  1. Learn to delegate and ask for help. You don’t have to be a superhero and do everything yourself. It’s okay to delegate simple, tedious tasks or ask for help from your loved ones or co-workers. Learn to let go and let others assist you. You don’t always have to be in control of everything. It will help save you a lot of time and energy for more important, bigger tasks. When the stress becomes too great and you need help managing it, Healing Happens Therapy can help guide you through the holidays.
  1. Be present in the moment. When you’re swept up in the busyness of it all and feel overwhelmed, in that moment, remember to stop and breathe; become very present. If you notice your breathing is short and shallow, then your anxiety levels are likely rising and it’s time for a break. Even if it’s just two minutes, focusing on your breath will help you to calm down, get out of your head and release the tension.
  1. Make time for yourself. It’s okay to hit the pause button during the season to rejuvenate yourself. You deserve to enjoy the holidays, too. Take some time to de-stress and do the things you enjoy doing: meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, take a bubble bath, reflect on the year, practice gratitude, write or journal, paint, sew, watch a funny movie or take a nap. If you really want to indulge, book a spa day, plan a girls’ day out with your friends, or schedule a date night with your partner. Self-care is equally important during the holiday season.

But most importantly, enjoy yourself and have fun!

Happy Holidays!

Filed Under: holidays, self care, stress Tagged With: holiday stress, holidays, self care, Stress, stress management

Uncommon ways to show Gratitude

November 29, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

Gratitude (2)It’s after Thanksgiving and Christmas is on its way and we’re grateful to see another year coming our way. To be with loved ones. To eat well.

But what if we want a more meaningful season of gratitude this time around?

Is there some way to extract more than turkey feasts, Pinterest-perfect centerpieces, or the pilgrim story, Black Friday or before gift-giving and receiving overwhelms our period of thankfulness and reflection?

But of course! This time provides the perfect opportunity for breathing in crisp, cool air and focusing on what matters, and why it matters, creatively.

Consider these less conventional displays of gratitude:

  • Actual “face time.”

Quality time is the best indicator of your appreciation for a loved one’s presence in you life.

Offer a loved one some unmitigated “face time.” The real kind. No computer, no cell phone, no tablet. No posting, no selfies, no checking in. In fact, be so intent about making a beautiful, connected, engaged time together that the whole experience needn’t be posted to social media at all.(*gasp!) The shared memory is enough.

  • Immediate gratification.

Immediately and selflessly responding to a loved one’s wish, desire, or need says, “I am happy you’re here and I want you to be happy.”

Listen intently to the people around you. Did your mom mention that she admired your hair? Right there in front of her, get on the phone and set up an appointment for her, on your dime. Then pick her up and drive her when it’s time. Did your brother-in-law gush over your sweet potato pie? Show your gratitude for his appreciation by delivering one to eat, and one to freeze, later in the week. And the nephew in college? You know without asking he’d appreciate shopping in your pantry, before heading back to school.

It feels good to show your appreciation immediately and selflessly. You’ll be gratified by the delight and surprise others get from your prompt attention. After all, after childhood, it rarely happens for many of us anymore.

  • Letters of “nemesis appreciation.”

Some people are challenging. That’s something to be thankful for.

Okay, maybe you don’t have a nemesis, or an arch rival, or even an enemy. But you do have someone in your life who irks you, at least a little bit. Someone you see at work or at school. Someone on the treadmill next to yours at the gym every morning. Someone at that Thanksgiving table with you. (*ahem)

Write them a note, thanking them for the way their views or ideas challenge you. Detail (graciously) how much you appreciate their presence, and how it has helped you look internally and either like yourself more, or feel convicted to make some changes.

Your gratitude may come as a surprise to them, and could be a turning point in your relationship, or rejected outright. Doesn’t much matter. Gratitude is a good thing, regardless. You’re better for it.

  • Self-care.

Appreciate your mind and body for seeing you through the year’s ups and downs.

This time of year, show gratitude to the physical “host of your soul,” by reclaiming peace and goodwill on a daily basis:

  • Eat and drink well. Enjoy the holiday fare, just do it sparingly.
  • Exercise. Walk off stress around your neighborhood, or find your center in yoga class.
  • Steal some quiet time. Strolling a museum, meditating in a place of worship, or stargazing at the Oakland Chabot Space & Science Center may be nice ways to relax.
  • Journal. Writing provides perspective, when holiday plans inevitably going awry.

Showing gratitude helps make the season more enjoyable for those around you. They will be grateful for a less stressed, more present you.

Filed Under: family, gratitude, healthy relationship, holidays, self care Tagged With: Appreciation, Gratitude, Happiness, holidays, Thanks

9 weeks till the New Year!? Making Resolutions

October 27, 2014 by kellymontgomerymft

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Just nine weeks left until 2015 enters our lives.  What does that mean for you? You can assign meaning to anything to give you motivation to get things done or turn over anew leaf, so why not New Years? Its a healthy way to monitor yourself. I also use my birthday as one of those times.  Begin to think about what you would like to have in your life, how to get it and what that might mean for you.  You may have to sacrifice something for the greater good or add something into your life’s rhythm. Make some small and some large attempts at changes. Use whatever motivates you, a New year, the Day of your birth, or many other ones that have meaning for you.  Enable yourself to keep growing, checking in and stay aware of your way of life.  Grow Grow Grow!

 

Filed Under: goals, holidays, motivation, new years resolutions, self help Tagged With: goals, manifestation, motivation, new years

Fall Special for couples, 10% discount in Oakland, CA

October 2, 2014 by kellymontgomerymft

couple-dawn-dusk-1121-800x533

“Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits.”
― Samuel Butler

This month’s quote is a great reminder to us all as we head into a hectic, busy and often stressful holiday season.  This is the perfect time to gain some footing and  prep your self and your relationships for a season of change.  Family dynamics come into play, and financial stressors can ensue with the gift giving practice.  The actual seasons of change affect us whether we believe it or not too.  Oakland and general East bay area weather can be nice most of the time however, here are a few ways to help yourself:

1. Allow  daylight to enter the house.

2. Spend at least half an hour daily outdoors, get some air!

3. Move. Get some exercise even if its taking a walk or dancing in the living room!

4. Eat right.  Hunger and craving for sweets and starches is common in SAD. People eat to beat the blues and many of them become “carbohydrate addicts. ” Alarmed by the weight gain, they start dieting which makes them a “yo-yo weight changer. ” To avoid that, eat balanced meals which are high on complex carbohydrates and protein, and low on fat. Consult a good meals chart and plan a seven-day program which is heavily biased in favor of vegetables, fruits, and grains.

5. Laugh! Watch a movie or a comedy act.

AND THE BEST FOR LAST…

Taking time for ourselves in therapy and being proactive before any angst arrives, is so wise!

Come and see me in Oakland, CA first visit www.healinghappenstherapy.com and call at 510-507-1763

Filed Under: couples, depression, holidays, self help, therapy, weather Tagged With: Couples, depression, holidays, self help, therapy, weather

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Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

* Kelly Montgomery now practices virtually only (online and phone). New clients may use the toll free number above and existing or returning clients may contact her local number via phone by downloading the “Whatsapp” application on your device.

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