Healing Happens Therapy

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Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

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How to Get Close, Stay Close, and Like It: A Guy’s Guide

March 14, 2017 by kellymontgomerymft

Most men would love to be in a relationship. But many men are also afraid of being in a relationship. Some men don’t even realize that they have this issue – they just find one reason after another not to become too intimate.

If you are looking for help in intimacy, therapy can be very successful. It can help you to understand what is going on, and help you with identifying the underlying issues, including traumatic experiences from the past, that prevent you from enjoying intimacy today.

Here are a few steps in a guy’s guide to intimacy

Get close

Letting your guard down

If you wear your armor, if you have a weapon ready at all times, if you are alert to the danger of being invaded – well, then you have your guard up.

Nobody can hurt you. And nobody can touch you.

The first step towards getting close to someone else is to let them touch you. Physically and emotionally.

Think about it: this person is not an enemy.

Showing emotions

 Boys are often taught not to show emotions. But men still have feelings! Sometimes these feelings can even be stronger because they are hidden away. Most of all, getting close to another person involves outwardly expressing emotions.

If you have always been told not to show your feelings, you may be nervous when others show them. It might even be a reason to push them away. Maybe those ‘clingy’ women you knew were really just showing their feelings and it was up to you to respond by showing them yours.

If you have a lot of trouble with this, there are Oakland-Berkeley Men’s Groups that may also help you get accustomed to showing emotions and expressing them in a safe space.

Being a man

Men are told to ‘be a man’. That’s the most important thing in life. And the fear of being thought ‘unmanly’ immediately brings that guard back up.

However, there are many ways to be a man. Becoming cold and distant out of fear is only one of them, and is it really? It is the one that keeps you from intimacy.

Taking the big risk

Once you have your guard down, once you let somebody touch you, you are taking a big risk. That’s real. Yes, you can be hurt. Yes, you can inadvertently hurt someone else.

But, once you get close, who knows what may happen.

Stay close

Letting someone else know you

When you have decided to take that big risk and let somebody touch you, they will know who you are. You won’t be able to keep up a façade. They will know how you act, in bed, in the morning, after a hard day at work.

You will need to overcome your fear of giving that knowledge away. Yes, knowledge is also power. It’s just what happens in intimate relationships.

Getting hurt (that big risk!)

And when you stay close to someone, at some point, you will get hurt. It’s inevitable.

Are you man enough to take that risk? Can you tolerate that pain and transform it into the foundation of a long lasting partnership? Just like when you’re working out in the Bay Club or at 24 hour gym you’re building muscle.

Sharing

Remember when you were a toddler and asked to share?

You knew the joy of sharing then, before you were told to be an alpha male and take more than you gave away to others.

An intimate partnership is all about sharing. And sharing is a skill – just ask the toddler inside you! You can learn it every day. And it will bring you a lot of enjoyment.

Being a man

Taking the risk of intimacy is a big bold thing to do. It takes a lot of courage. You’ll be in charge of your love life, instead of being ruled by fear.

Like being close

Being connected

Try it. Feeling intimately connected to another person gives you a place where you belong. In addition, it expands your ability to feel and empathize. And it surpasses any connection you might have with a pet, or a place, or even with a friend.

Feeling your heart

No, that’s not a soppy romantic phrase. When you start to like intimacy, you will also discover more about what is going on in your own heart.

The joy of intimacy

… just like the ground-breaking book ‘The Joy of Sex’ that made it easier for people to talk about their erotic desires and explore them, the joy of intimacy comes with talking and listening. Listen to your partner and also to your therapist along the way.

Being a man

Being a man means being human. To experience the full range of being human. Getting close, staying close and liking to be close and intimate with someone else is a vital part of that experience.

Give yourself a chance to go for it. If you aren’t already interested in someone special, Oakland has a very rich and varied dating scene. Out there is a person looking for closeness and intimacy who may already be waiting for you.

Filed Under: communication, couples counseling, healthy relationship, is she the one, life coaching, love, men's couseling, ready fro change, romance, self help, sexual intimacy

Your Life To Do List: 7 Ways to Get Your Motivation Back!

May 3, 2016 by kellymontgomerymft

TO DO LIST-

This was your year. You were ready.

You had big ideas and a life to-do list you couldn’t wait tackle.

Well, it’s been a while now since the happy glow of new year’s resolutions and personal goal planning. How’s it going?

Not so long ago you promised yourself you wouldn’t forget or set aside your goals again.

Then old habits and distractions happened… again.

The lists you wrote, the mission statement you crafted, the fire in your belly faded… by Valentine’s day.

Why is motivation so hard to come by?

When it comes to self motivation, time tends to eat away at our resolve and enthusiasm with diversions, unexpected life events, and everyday responsibilities. Is it possible to keep enough motivational pressure on yourself to accomplish your goals?

Of course! Your life to do list is entirely doable. Forget about seasonal resolutions and past failures. Today is a new day. Focus on these 7 ways to motivate yourself to accomplish your goals:

1. Kill ambiguity.

Clear direction is key to pursuing a goal. Chip and Dan Heath, authors of Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, impress on people looking to realize their goals that no one gets very far without clear direction. Ask yourself questions about the purpose and execution of your goal each day. Engage the logical part of your mind to make a plan and break that plan into doable parts. The big picture is a lovely dream to inspire you, but you need clear, scripted strategies to get you through the hard work and to power you through periods of tempting procrastination.

2. Get emotional.

The Heaths, and many other motivational writers and speakers, acknowledge the power of emotion when it comes to getting things done. How you view your goals and the required work to accomplish them is central to success or failure. Try to become more aware of how you speak or think about accomplishing your goals. Are you using your emotions to their best advantage? Feel what you’re feeling and direct that emotion instead of letting it hinder you. Emotions are often more motivating than intellect.

3. Take charge of your environment.

Think carefully about what is distracting you from the things you really want. Be willing to adjust how you live, spend leisure time, and engage others in your space. Are you motivated by a little hustle and bustle or do you need quiet and solitude to feel motivated? Put yourself in the best situation for success.

4. Don’t skimp on self-care.

You do yourself and your aspirations a disservice by running yourself down and wearing yourself out. Pay attention to the quality and amounts of healthy foods and restful hours of sleep you’re getting. Exercise for stress relief and fitness. Take breaks and vacations so that the road to your goals is filled with happy memories. Check in with a counselor, life coach, or therapist to discuss your goals and progress and to maintain your mental health as well.

5. Connect with cheerleaders, go-getters, and heroes.

As always, people and connections are a vital part of what we do or hope to do. To keep yourself motivated, seek to gather these folks around you for mental support:

  • Non-judgmental, supportive friends and family members. All you need is a few key people who know you well and won’t hold it against you. In other words, those loved ones who will cheer you on toward change without trying to keep you tied too tightly to the roles of your past.
  • Like-minded peers. There’s nothing like a few good running mates to keep you accountable and inspire you. Surround yourself with and engage people who are actively going after their goals, you’ll likely not want to be left behind.
  • Inspirational mentor. Find a person who is where you want to be. You want to lose weight? Look around the gym, who’s been there and done that? Are you interested in switching careers? Find a person who’s done it successfully, pick their brain, and use your new knowledge to fuel your own progress.

6. Practice positivity.

Change can be scary. If you let it. Let that fear be a motivator.  There is a lot to be said for optimism, positive mantras, and even a daily pep talk to keep your enthusiasm high. Develop a go-getting mindset. When you think of your goals think of a positive word like “believe” or an inspirational quote. Write it everywhere. Make a poster or a coffee mug with slogan on it. Look at it a lot. Smile when you read it. When you think of your goal, train your mind to be inspired rather than intimidated.

7. Reward yourself well.

Almost everyone likes to shoot for a goal when there is a reward on the other side. Acknowledgement for a job well done is necessary in any pursuit, and sometimes it takes time.  Staying self-motivated is no easy task, when you make gains, pat yourself on the back. When you don’t but you tried, still pat yourself on the back.   Research shows that rewards are key to positivity, progress, and commitment, regardless of the goal.

Alright, now you know what to do and how to keep going until it’s done. Have fun and start checking things off your life to do list. Now’s your time!

Filed Under: goals, life coaching, motivation, Uncategorized

How Can a Life Coach Help You?

September 16, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

LIFE COACH (2)

So. Things aren’t going so well. You know it.

You just aren’t so sure what to do about it.

Life is boring, exhausting, stagnant.

Full of have to’s or want to’s, or someday you will do’s.

Blah blah blah. And you’re tired of talking about it.

You need to do something. You need a push.

Who do you call? Who can really help you make change soon?

Have you considered a life coach?

A life coach (eyebrow raised*).

Really?

Yep. Here’s what a life coach can do for you:

  • Affirm that you can’t do it on your own. Now re-read that… that’s affirm, not confirm. Affirmation of a life lived interdependently means you realize your need for help is not a confirmation of weakness or incompetence, but that life is a cooperative enterprise.

Your life coach signs up to get your back at times, and link arms with you during others. Coach support can release you of the need to see help as a sign of weakness.

You are seeking a coach because you know it’s good for you. Encouragement and enthusiasm is exciting. Your life coach can do his or her best work with your promise and your commitment. A life coach’s job is simply to help you reach the top of your game.

  • Identify, clarify, and strategize. Life can cloudy, blurry, out of focus. Sometimes we can pinpoint the problem. And sometimes we really don’t have a clue. That’s okay.

One of a life coach’s best benefits is to help you determine what you really want to accomplish, set goals, and make concrete plans to execute your life adventures.

Life coaches are the expediters of life plans. They are interested in, and invested in, helping others take meaningful action. Now.

  • Push you with healthy, productive motivation, not negativity and condemnation. Your life coach can help you rewrite the scripts and self-talk that keep you from the life you want beyond them.

Your coach will come alongside you with “why not” prodding and “try this” suggestions that keep you moving forward. They challenge you to overcome limiting beliefs and behaviors that stifle your long-held dreams and new aspirations.

Insecurities and confidence low points are part of everyone’s journey. Your life coach will simply help keep your low places from becoming stuck places. Together, you’ll discover key life areas that need change, and those that need more support to flourish.

  • Uncover the you, that you never knew existed, and the options you never knew to explore. Work with your life coach introduces you to tools and aspects of yourself that may surprise you.

You’ll expand your sense of self and what you have to offer. You’ll see what balance and harmony feel like. And you’ll likely feel comfortable exploring more of what life has to offer. From health, nutrition, to weight management and realized career or relationship goals.  We call it fulfillment. Isn’t that what you’ve been looking for all along? Let a life coach be your guide.

  • Invest in you and celebrate with you. Your experience with a life coach will be one of investments and payoffs. He or she will invest time, energy, and dedicated effort to your cause. You can rest in the knowledge that change is happening.

Your life coach will encourage you to enjoy your good life, and the courageous steps you took to make it happen. Celebrate each victory!

There’s no time like the present. Make the call. Step out of the shadows and let some of that Oakland sunshine warm up those dreams gone cold.

Get  “life coached.” Live the life you’re meant for…(and the crowd goes wild*)!

Call today 510-507-1763 Healing Happens Therapy, Kelly Montgomery, LMFT, Life Coach

Filed Under: balance, life coaching, new years resolutions, ready fro change, self care, slow down, Uncategorized Tagged With: balance, coaching, empowerment, slow down, support

Life coaching: Looking for balance in your life? Here’s a bit about what I know

April 10, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

vegetables-573961_1280-2

My perfect “health day.” Find below the ins and outs of my day from diet & exercise to mental  & spiritual.  I’m nothing but thorough, but I’m not perfect either.  Try your best, and look to make your own day to day life more healthy, and keep some balance.

Morning:
~Meditate 10 min (Yes, even with an 18 month old, I bought ear plugs and Husband takes over. Its 10 minutes people, you can do it!)
~Face “meds” and sunscreen (I used to struggle with horrible acne until I after gave birth, but I still use a lighter version of it and aging products too)
~Stretch (baby loves to do this with, me it hilarious.)
~Vega One chocolate shake with vitamins (Shake ingredients: 1/4 cup of water, one banana, 1/4 cup of frozen berries, one scoop of Vega.) This shake gives me all my veggies I need for the day- yes I said veggies. It’s also packed with protein and all the other wonderful stuff you need.
The vitamins that I take in general are: Multivitamin (Womans ultra mega), probiotic, omega 3, chewable baby asprin (good maintenance for the heart) and a folic acid (good for second baby prep!) Taking them with the shake helps me remember and its easier with a thick drink rather than water.
~Next breakfast a few hours later: Egg with sprouted protein bread, (its quick, easy, and healthy)
Afternoon:
~Baby’s nap time: Elliptical time, and catch up on my recorded shows simultaneously. If nap is super long, I’ll throw in some Marketing work for my business then too.
~Get sunshine. (Great mental/ emotional booster, deep breaths and warm sun. Most of the time I’m out and about with the baby at Oakland or Berkeley parks anyways but I make sure I leave the house each day, even is it a walk around the block and I’m feeling like I don’t want to leave the house.)
~ Water 100 oz (Through the day I bring my 50 oz water bottle. Fill it up twice and then I know I’m done. Great for skin, and just health in general).
~Lunch: Salad with protein for lunch OR something completely different. HAHA! (This changes. I usually like a fresh light chicken salad but sometimes its french fry day. I just swap out a heavy meal for a light one at dinner.)
~If baby naps twice, I nap too! REST.
Evening:
~Baby to bed. Shower. (I do dry body brushing right before shower too. Towards the heart, great for the lymphatic system and skin.)
~Cook dinner. (We have a chef send us weekly menus and once a week we shop for all the ingredients together. They are all healthy and a huge variety. Its fun and then I know I have everything I need for the whole week already in the house. It’s great!)
~Marketing for Private Practice (Once a day for about 30 min to an hour, either now or at a long baby nap time)
~Roll my hair (Yes this is important! – for me at least. I don’t have time to look great, with hair and make up. When I can roll my hair at night and have it curly in the morning the way I like it, it’s done and I feel more beautiful and more put together- who doesn’t want that?)
~Bed by 10 pm, or earlier if hubby and I want to “snuggle!” (I love my sleep. I get about 9 to 10 hours each night.)

If you are looking for some help in getting your life together, call me for a free 15 minute consultation. 510-507-1763 or email me at kellymontgomerymft@gmail.com.  Visit my website for more tips!

Filed Under: balance, Berkeley, health, life coaching, Oakland, Uncategorized, vitamins Tagged With: balance, Berkeley, diet, exercise, health, life coaching, mental health, oakland, sex, spirituality

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Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

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