Healing Happens Therapy

you can heal, we can help.

Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

How to Get Close, Stay Close, and Like It: A Guy’s Guide

by

Most men would love to be in a relationship. But many men are also afraid of being in a relationship. Some men don’t even realize that they have this issue – they just find one reason after another not to become too intimate.

If you are looking for help in intimacy, therapy can be very successful. It can help you to understand what is going on, and help you with identifying the underlying issues, including traumatic experiences from the past, that prevent you from enjoying intimacy today.

Here are a few steps in a guy’s guide to intimacy

Get close

Letting your guard down

If you wear your armor, if you have a weapon ready at all times, if you are alert to the danger of being invaded – well, then you have your guard up.

Nobody can hurt you. And nobody can touch you.

The first step towards getting close to someone else is to let them touch you. Physically and emotionally.

Think about it: this person is not an enemy.

Showing emotions

 Boys are often taught not to show emotions. But men still have feelings! Sometimes these feelings can even be stronger because they are hidden away. Most of all, getting close to another person involves outwardly expressing emotions.

If you have always been told not to show your feelings, you may be nervous when others show them. It might even be a reason to push them away. Maybe those ‘clingy’ women you knew were really just showing their feelings and it was up to you to respond by showing them yours.

If you have a lot of trouble with this, there are Oakland-Berkeley Men’s Groups that may also help you get accustomed to showing emotions and expressing them in a safe space.

Being a man

Men are told to ‘be a man’. That’s the most important thing in life. And the fear of being thought ‘unmanly’ immediately brings that guard back up.

However, there are many ways to be a man. Becoming cold and distant out of fear is only one of them, and is it really? It is the one that keeps you from intimacy.

Taking the big risk

Once you have your guard down, once you let somebody touch you, you are taking a big risk. That’s real. Yes, you can be hurt. Yes, you can inadvertently hurt someone else.

But, once you get close, who knows what may happen.

Stay close

Letting someone else know you

When you have decided to take that big risk and let somebody touch you, they will know who you are. You won’t be able to keep up a façade. They will know how you act, in bed, in the morning, after a hard day at work.

You will need to overcome your fear of giving that knowledge away. Yes, knowledge is also power. It’s just what happens in intimate relationships.

Getting hurt (that big risk!)

And when you stay close to someone, at some point, you will get hurt. It’s inevitable.

Are you man enough to take that risk? Can you tolerate that pain and transform it into the foundation of a long lasting partnership? Just like when you’re working out in the Bay Club or at 24 hour gym you’re building muscle.

Sharing

Remember when you were a toddler and asked to share?

You knew the joy of sharing then, before you were told to be an alpha male and take more than you gave away to others.

An intimate partnership is all about sharing. And sharing is a skill – just ask the toddler inside you! You can learn it every day. And it will bring you a lot of enjoyment.

Being a man

Taking the risk of intimacy is a big bold thing to do. It takes a lot of courage. You’ll be in charge of your love life, instead of being ruled by fear.

Like being close

Being connected

Try it. Feeling intimately connected to another person gives you a place where you belong. In addition, it expands your ability to feel and empathize. And it surpasses any connection you might have with a pet, or a place, or even with a friend.

Feeling your heart

No, that’s not a soppy romantic phrase. When you start to like intimacy, you will also discover more about what is going on in your own heart.

The joy of intimacy

… just like the ground-breaking book ‘The Joy of Sex’ that made it easier for people to talk about their erotic desires and explore them, the joy of intimacy comes with talking and listening. Listen to your partner and also to your therapist along the way.

Being a man

Being a man means being human. To experience the full range of being human. Getting close, staying close and liking to be close and intimate with someone else is a vital part of that experience.

Give yourself a chance to go for it. If you aren’t already interested in someone special, Oakland has a very rich and varied dating scene. Out there is a person looking for closeness and intimacy who may already be waiting for you.

Filed Under: communication, couples counseling, healthy relationship, is she the one, life coaching, love, men's couseling, ready fro change, romance, self help, sexual intimacy

How Therapy Helps Men Figure Out What Lasting Love Looks Like

by

You may have heard that when things go badly in a relationship, women often have a deep fear of abandonment, while the deepest fear for men is being trapped.

Trapped in a relationship, trapped by their partner, trapped in a life they don’t really want or didn’t really choose for themselves. And when you operate from the perspective of that fear, lasting love is very hard to find or figure out. 

And sometimes, ‘lasting love’ may even look more like a threat than a promise of happiness.

But, at the same time, many men feel lonely and would love to connect – if only they knew how. If only they felt safe. And while the Oakland speed dating scene is great fun, it may not be the best way to go.

Men also often say that they aren’t quite sure what went wrong in their relationships. This is where therapy can really help. Therapy can really help anyone figure out their lives, and what happening inside. Men and women have been doing it for over a hundred years. (high five!)

What happens in therapy?

Professional therapists are trained to listen. They are also trained to help their clients investigate and understand the underlying patterns of their lives. Their beliefs and values. Their hopes and dreams.

Also in therapy, we look at what didn’t quite go to plan. And at what the client would like to change.

The important thing to remember is that, in therapy, the client is always in charge. The therapist is there to help you, not boss you around.

You are the captain of your ship. The therapy just helps you run your ship better. (*captain’s salute!)

Love yourself before you love another person

Even if you seek therapy to figure out your relationship issues, therapy always begins and ends with you.

For some guys, “how much do you love yourself?”  is a tricky question. Do you even know?

For many of us, men and women alike, uncomfortable feelings lurk right under the surface. In therapy, you can start looking at these feelings, instead of looking away. Your therapist has seen it all before and will help you find a way to deal with your emotions.

What do you know about love?

How can you recognize love if you don’t know what it is? Where did you learn about love? For most people, love lessons were taught in our families, from our parents.

In therapy, you investigate what ideas about of a ‘man in love’ were passed on to you by your father or male role model. What kind of example was he for your own future relationships?

Also, what happened when you first started dating? How did you know what to do? How did it feel? Was there some kind of peer pressure from other young men to do the ‘guy thing’?

Now is your chance to unravel what others taught you and showed you. And determine what you want for yourself.

Being in control

For many men, being in control of themselves and their lives is very important. And that means having a sense of freedom. Including the freedom to change your mind. This is why some guys constantly seem to have their eyes on the ‘exit’ sign.

But how much are you really in control when you can’t open up to the deepest experience in life… lasting love? Are you depriving yourself of living fully in the present because your mind is too forward focused?

The way to truly being in control is through self-knowledge. 

Loving someone is always a risk

You don’t know the future. Yes, love can be dangerous.

However, love takes courage and lasting love is the ultimate adventure. In therapy, you can learn how to take a relationship risk and how to tolerate uncertainty.

Oakland couples have a great tradition of long-lasting marriages. Take the Trebinos from Concord or the Kings from Oakland itself, married for 50 years in 2016. In 2006, Bishop Elvelva Harris celebrated his 70th wedding anniversary with his wife Ozeffer .

So stay the course, guys. You can do it! 

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counsleing, healthy relationship, love, romance

How to Set Expectations for Valentine’s Day

by

How to Set Expectations for Valentine's Day // healinghappenstherapy.com

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! It’s a fun holiday to shower our family, friends and significant others with love and appreciation.

However, some people set extremely high expectations on what should happen on this day, and then later are left feeling disappointed when things didn’t go quite according to their plans. They imagined a fairytale romantic day, but instead got a watered down version that wasn’t as exciting as they thought it would be.

A few years back, there was a study done where Facebook status updates were analyzed, and it showed that right before and right after Valentine’s Day there were spikes of breakups.

So why is it that couples are more likely to breakup around this time of year? It may be due to their expectations.

How the Inner Critic Can Ruin This Holiday

Don’t let the pressure of the holiday get inside your mind. The Inner Critic can be a cruel, harsh voice in our heads. It can heighten our insecurities and bring up questions that were never there before. It can ruin Valentine’s Day for people by:

  • Making them doubt themselves
  • Questioning their relationship
  • Attacking their partner
  • Destroying the romance

Don’t let internal struggles ruin time with your companion this year or sabotage the day. Look within to figure out what is making you feel so insecure. Ask those difficult questions. Is there a deeper issue that needs to be worked on? Are there past situations that you never dealt with? If so, then take the next steps, like speaking with a professional therapist. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland can help to begin the healing process.

How to Set Expectations for Valentine’s Day

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, some people want the works: attention, gifts, flowers, chocolates, cards, jewelry, trips, homemade thought out items, etc. But how realistic are these notions of expressing our love?

Another study found that couples that had positive expectations going into a relationship were more likely to face disappointment and problems in their relationship later down the road. While having a good mindset going into a relationship can be beneficial when it improves behavior and circumstances, having too high of expectations can be very damaging if things don’t work out the way one person expected them to.

Here are some things a couple can do before Valentine’s Day arrives to set themselves up for success:

Communicate with each other.

Don’t watch the days pass by, getting closer to the holiday without any ideas on what you want to do together. By discussing a plan-of-action and knowing what each person wants to do will help to take a lot of the pressure off. Be sure to express feelings, concerns or fears going into the holiday. If money is tight, then talk about ways you can afford to celebrate and still enjoy the day.

Head into the holiday with appropriate expectations.

Often people feel disappointed when their expectations are not met. As you discuss ideas with your partner, let them know what you’re expecting, but be realistic. It’s easy to get caught up and daydream about lavish dates that you see on TV or posts on social media, but don’t let those cloud your vision of reality. Maybe you can’t afford the Hornblower Cruises’ Romantic Valentine’s Day cruise around the bay, but you can rent some romcoms or old romantic movies, order in your favorite food and spend the evening together on the couch. It’s the time with each other that matters the most, and how you make that time special. You are worth more than just “it’s the thought that counts,” just make sure the thought is specific for you and your lifestyle and income and situation.

Don’t put a ton of pressure on the other person.

With everything else that may be going on in our busy lives, stressing over this holiday shouldn’t be at the top of our lists. And if your significant other is busy on February 14th, is sick or just in some kind of mood and doesn’t want to celebrate, then provide that flexibility for them and schedule another date night on the calendar. Show compassion and support for them just by allowing yourself to understand where they are at in that moment. Remember, not everyone gets mushy over this holiday or even remembers it, but if it’s important to you, and you have talked about it with your partner previously, then you know you’ve done your best, and life just got in the way this time. Don’t take it personally.

Worry more about what you’re giving than what you’re getting.

If you and your partner decide to give gifts this year, focus more on what you’re giving or making for them than worrying about what you’re getting. This will shift your attention from yourself to your loved one, and then you can concentrate even harder on making the day even more special for them. Studies have shown that people get more pleasure out of doing things for others than themselves.

4 Easy, Simple Ways to Express Your Love

Once expectations have been set, now is the time to think about what you’re going to do to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Here are a few simple ways to show the other person how much you love them while keeping realistic expectations.

  1. Create new traditions with each other. Traditions aren’t just for the big holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Couples can also start doing things together every year and make it special so they look forward to it each Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s baking red velvet cupcakes, getting a couple’s massage, eating at your favorite restaurant, buying your favorite bottle of wine and exchanging homemade cards, or simply just taking a walk through Joaquin Miller Park. Get create and start your own new traditions.
  1. Ditch the “normal” routine and spice things up a bit by throwing in some curves. It can get boring doing the same things over and over. Do something different neither of you have done before, try new things, go to new places and explore. These exciting, new experiences will also help to release oxytocin (aka the love hormone) in the brain, which has the effect of bonding you to the other person. You’ll feel closer than ever and build an even stronger relationship.
  1. Go the extra mile and give something that has special meaning to your companion. When thinking about what to do for your companion, be sure to put yourself in their shoes and focus on their wants and desires, not yours. What may sound like a perfect gift to you may not mean the same thing to them. So think about what would make the other person happy, put a smile on their face or fill them with excitement. Be sensitive to their feelings and interests. The reward will be so much fulfilling for you to see the joy on their face.
  1. Express your gratitude. Some swept up in the materialism of Valentine’s Day, but what it really comes down to is being grateful for the love ones in our lives. Take a moment to express your gratitude to your partner, family and friends. Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate them. There are people out there who are not fortunate enough to have a community of loved ones around them. Close your eyes for a few minutes and allow all the wonderful memories and moments you’ve had with your family and friends over the past year to surface, relive those experiences, and then acknowledge your gratitude for them.

Have fun this Valentine’s Day and remember, it’s not about the giving or the getting, it’s about the loving!

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, gratitude, love, romance Tagged With: , , ,

How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner

by

How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner // healinghappenstherapy.com

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or have been married for 20 years, you still want to keep that spark alive between you and your partner.  Passion can fade, turn dull and boring or become so predictable that you lose interest in the other person. However, the great thing is, you can turn things around in your relationship and increase that passion you once had or better yet, create brand new passion.

But first, think back to the time when you and your partner first started dating. It was new; it was exciting; it was full of heat. You probably felt your heart beating faster, your breath becoming heavier and your stomach flip-flopping anticipating their next move. You felt confident, beautiful, sexy and irresistible to them.

It’s time to feel that way again by doing two important things that will have you finding you and your partner irresistible once again.

Show Your Confidence

Have you ever been around someone that exudes confidence and just feels grounded in who they are? They know what they want and who they are, and it shows.  It’s magnetic. How do you get it?

Confidence is not about bragging what you have or what you’ve done. Being confident is about living your own life, on your own healthy terms. It’s about having a felt sense of your own inner wisdom, your right to be authentic and real and unapologetic for it.

You can ignore the naysayers of life, no passing judgment on yourself or others and be the truest form of Self that you can be.  The people you surround yourself with support you and your goals and dreams; they don’t stand in your way.  You like to dream big and take actions towards achieving those things.

When you feel good about who you are and love yourself unconditionally, then you are able to express that love to others. You are investing your heart and soul into yourself and also someone you’re passionate about, and they can feel that love, too.

Confident people tend to be more optimistic and think positively because they are able to take on life as it comes to them. They still get scared and have fear, but they also have a support system of folks cheering them on.  That support helps when obstacles are thrown their way. They can react calmly and take control of the situation and make successful adaptations.

When you feel good about yourself, others around you begin to feel good about themselves. It’s like a ripple effect.

Here are three ways to help boost your confidence:

  • Excel at things you’re good at, like your favorite hobbies. Success produces confidence, so invest in yourself and make time for the things you love to do. You don’t need to boast about your accomplishments, but just have personal awareness of them to raise your confidence.
  • Good self care: Feel better. Figure out what that means for you. Fresh air every day? Organizing your home? Moving your body? Processing your feelings by heading to therapy? Pick a few and make them stick.
  • Enhance your skills or weak areas to feel better about yourself. When you see how you’ve improved, you’ll begin to think more highly of yourself and your self-esteem will increase. You’ll have more pride in yourself and your work.

Show Interest in Your Partner’s World

It’s not always about you. When you show interest in your partner, you’re showing them that you are really interested in their world. You care about their likes, dislikes, philosophies, hobbies and interests. Head out and do fun activities together around Oakland and connect even more with each other. Get creative, compromise and even find yourself doing something you wouldn’t normally choose. You’ll create a thicker bond.

Relationships are about connecting to one another on much deeper levels as well, especially if you’re spending your life with someone. This can be crucial to a long-term couple. You must be mindful of each other and take the time to really get to know the other person. It’s not always what you do together but how you interact when you’re around each other.

When you express concern or interest towards them, you are allowing yourself to step aside and learning to dive into the other person’s world. Every day we’re responding or failing to respond, consciously or unconsciously, to our partner’s need for connection. Sometimes, it’s the day-to-day life and the little things that matter most. They might just want to know that you care.

People like to feel validated. When you ask the other person questions about their thoughts and feelings, you’re being with them in that moment, respecting their experiences and validating how they are thinking and feeling. You don’t always have to agree, just make space for them, show respect. You are able to get a glimpse of their world and see things through their perspective. It’s a way to show your understanding and acceptance of them just as they are. This sharing helps your partner to feel less stressed, upset, or vulnerable.

When couples share their innermost desires, thoughts and real feelings with each other, they become stronger together. They build up their levels of trust and intimacy, which creates longer lasting relationships.

Here are some ways to validate and show interest in your partner:

  • Practice mindful listening, where you fully pay attention to your companion, turning off all electronic devices and giving your undivided attention to them. Try to hold back your judgements and reactions to what they are saying. And, try to prevent yourself from attempting to fix, solve, advise or help the situation. Just listen.
  • When you see each other again in the evenings, ask how their day was and allow them to share their experiences with you.
  • Take time to sit down and talk periodically, asking open-ended questions to dive deeper into their stream of thought, hopes, fears and feelings. It can feel gratifying for them when they talk further about what they are thinking or feeling.

There are many ways to keep the spark alive in your marriage or relationship. It takes a bit of work and effort, but the payoff is so worth it to see that smile on their face and to hear how much they still love you after all these years and appreciate everything you do for them.

If you need more help in your relationship, Healing Happens Therapy can work with you and your partner to rebuild what you may have lost or work through any problems.

 

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, get your sexy back, healthy relationship, love Tagged With: , , , ,

8 Helpful Tips to Keep Your Partner (and Relationship) Top Priority

by

heart (2)Lucky you. You have a partner. Someone to share your life with. That connection is something to celebrate and appreciate; to keep at the top of your life’s list of priorities and prized possessions.

You’re in love and you want to keep in that way. Here are eight ways to prioritize your relationship:

#1. Find out what “fine” really means. “How are you?” should be a meaningful question in your relationship. Check in with each other routinely, and really seek to know how you partner is doing. Intentionally decide to live life together, aware of each other on many levels. Refuse to become roommates, living politely parallel lives. Ensure that real listening, compassion, and a true desire to know how your partner is feeling underlies your interaction.

#2. Schedule time. Disconnect is sneaky. It will tell you that you don’t have time for each other, that your partner will understand how busy you are, or that you’ll get together “later.” Don’t believe it. Simply gift each other with time. Date nights, day trips, weekend travel. Do whatever creates shared anticipation, experiences, and  memories. Make time for fun.

#3. Throw a party for your partner every day. Not really, but your partner should feel undeniably appreciated every day. Appreciation helps partners keep negativity at bay, and increases positive feelings between you. Make sincere praise and verbal affirmation routine. Consider it a privilege to send each other out into a tough world feeling seen, valued, and supported.

# 4. Obtain your love degree. What do you know makes your partner feel most loved? Gifts? Words? Touch? Poetry reading in Oakland Joaquin Miller Park? Whatever it is, learn that love lesson well. In fact, get an advanced degree. It can be dangerous to make assumptions about how your love feels. Ask questions, study his or her responses to your efforts; be curious. Study your partner, and learn to love in a way that is specific, attentive, and adaptable.

#5. Refuse to let resentments build. This is crucial. Communication is lauded as the cornerstone of open, healthy relationships because it works. Keep the lines open. Break any unproductive habit that allows resentment to live unaddressed between you. As an act of love and commitment, make time for self-examination, and make the changes you need to in yourself. No silent treatment, no minimizing, no avoidance. Trust and respect each other that much.

#6. Become a super, problem-solving duo. Relationships face problems and endure challenges all the time. It’s normal. Learning to tackle the tough stuff together makes it clear that you’re in the relationship game to win, and willing to do what it takes.

#7. Work through problems in an optimal situation, as often as possible. Teamwork works best if you’re not tired, inordinately angry, hungry, or inebriated. Seek to understand, and focus attention on, one or two issues. Even if you take opposing views, take care of each other. Protect your union by staying present and respectful. Your partner will appreciate it and likely do the same for you.

#8. Make intimacy a way of life. Sex and affection are good. (You bet they are* wink, wink.) So, keep intimacy fresh and vibrant. How? Be adventurous, fun, playful in the bedroom and out. Be so close that you seek each other out daily, brush up against each other often, and look forward to ending the day together, at the same time, focused on each other– not the TV, Internet, or your email. Talk to each other all day. Share your work lives, discuss your family, talk through the bills. Then go further, and risk sharing deeper thoughts of yourself.

Watch your relationship grow.

Filed Under: communication, couples, health, healthy relationship, love, self care Tagged With: , , , ,

Father’s Day: How to Celebrate the Caregiver in Him!

by

fathers day (2)There’s more to celebrate about Father’s Day now than ever. Research finds that dads are spending more time with their kids today, than they did at any other time, hooray! Chances are good that you know one of those great dads yourself.

When you and your partner became a family, you possibly fell in love with him all over again, watching him as the father of your little ones too. Seeing the vulnerability and care your husband shows to your kids can fill you with admiration and joy.

Each father demonstrates the love he has for his family in different ways. Maybe he cooks breakfast, and gets the kids ready for school. Maybe he puts in extra hours at work (sigh*) to finance a special family trip.

Regardless of how your partner shows his love for you and for your kids, Father’s Day is a great time to celebrate him in your lives.

Are you struggling to plan the perfect Father’s Day for him? Here are a few tips to get the ball rolling.

1. No pressure

If you’re aiming for a perfect Father’s Day, you can let yourself off the hook and still give him something he—and you!—could really use: a day free of chores and agendas. By now, you probably both know that one of the most elusive things to find as a parent is a little bit of relaxation.

Wake up and spend the morning—usually the family rush hour—together as a family. Tell your favorite stories about dad. There’s a lot of social pressure these days to be the perfect parent; take the pressure off by letting your partner know he’s already doing a wonderful job.

2. Family time

Your partner probably does a lot as a caregiver, whether it’s working around the house, putting in long hours at the office, or maybe picking up groceries for the week. When he’s so busy caring for others, what he needs for Father’s Day might not have a price tag at all: time together as a family.

It can be easy to get so sidetracked with plans you’ve made for a great Father’s Day that you miss out on time together. Take a family-sized blanket to one of Oakland’s favorite parks, or go for a walk. Even sharing stories after a simple dinner can be a recipe for an unforgettable Father’s Day.

3. Romance

Show your partner how much he means to you by honoring parenthood as a journey you’re on together. You can romance your husband in a lot of different ways—adore him, “show, don’t tell.” Remember men are less verbal than women.

4. Give attention

When it comes to Father’s Day, it’s tempting to plan everything out ahead of time. After all, you want this day to be special. What might make him even happier is being able to choose how he most wants to spend the day. Share what he loves with him, find out what he’s excited about.

5. Pile on the praise

Between juggling work, your kids’ school and sports, and different social responsibilities (whew!*), you might not always find the time to let your partner know how much respect you have for him as a father. Make Father’s Day a special time of showing appreciation. You can make a short family video or hang up a banner with the kids. Tell him what you most love about being parents together.

Filed Under: babies, communication, couples, family, fathers, health, healthy relationship, love

The Same Argument Every Day? 5 Ways to Stop the Fight

by

After living with your partner for a while, you fall into coAdd subtitle textmfortable patterns.  Sometimes, the patterns come to feel like home in and of themselves; you feel cared for and safe. Everything seems to be going well (sits back and relaxes*). You’re not out of the woods yet, though (sits back up*). Communication between you and your partner can also start to look pretty routine. Unfortunately, at certain points in your relationship, conflicts can keep popping up again and again too—often about seemingly trivial things. “Why can’t we move past this?” you wonder.

Whether you’ve lived here in Oakland all your life, or are from somewhere halfway across the world, anyone can get stuck using the same language with your spouse and using a pattern of not really hearing each other.

The good news is that you can stop the fight without stopping all the good stuff too (phew!*). It just might take some extra work.

When arguments become repetitive, a few things have probably happened: You’re angry not just about what’s happening now, but also about the memory of the last fight. And your fuse is so short, it feels much easier to spar with each other than to talk.

5 Steps to End the Eternal Fight

1. Take a seat

If you and your partner have been arguing about your workloads around the house, the next time your partner doesn’t unload the dishwasher, feelings of blame and unfairness can crop up immediately. You might feel like you just want to get all your anger out while it’s boiling. Taking a “time-out” to sit down with each other gives you a few moments to collect yourselves, and it makes resolving the conflict your central focus.

2. Disagree as a team

When you and your partner argue, it’s all too easy to let the disconnect take center stage. Maybe you say hurtful things to each other, not caring in the moment how the remark might land. If you commit to sticking together even when you’re fighting, showing flashes of affection amidst the hail storm, it often becomes less about who’s right or wrong, and more about moving on together.

3. Take responsibility

Sometimes when you’re arguing with your partner or spouse, it can be tempting to immediately say “no!” to all accusations, even if the angry words belie some kernel of truth. When you take responsibility for the things you really have done or said, you stop the verbal ping-pong, and start moving toward something that looks a little less like anger, and a little more like discussion.

4. Find the subtext

Seemingly trivial arguments about chores or social commitments are often the tip of much murkier icebergs. It makes sense that if you assume the worst about your partner, you’d be pretty upset. Rather than jumping to a conclusion about your spouse’s motivations, be inquisitive. Be inquisitive about your own motivations and feelings too. Explain that you’re not really angry about a dirty dish, it’s more that you feel like you often have to retrace his steps for him.

5. Find solutions

When you and your partner are left to your own emotional devices, you might get so caught up in arguing that you don’t get to the best part—moving forward. Offer up solutions, even if you’re not sure they’ll work. Show your partner that working on your life together is always your main goal (riding into sunset*).

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, love, romance Tagged With: , , , , ,

Teammates for life, get more connection

by

 Teammates for life

Ever feel like you are married and happy but honestly don’t feel the togetherness factor? Do you notice that you do your own thing and he does his, and you really have more separateness than togetherness?  There is something to be said about feeling like a team in your marriage.  Although it can be very healthy to have you individualism inside your marriage, too much of that can lead to a disconnect.  Feeling like a teammates can come from a lot of varied things.  Check your relationship out and see if you have any of these to gain more connection:

~A personalized or secret handshake

~Inside jokes

~A shared hobby or interest that you are active in

~A one-time project you can support on another in (like a diet or exercise program)

Even coming to therapy together is a great bonding experience. Try it out. Call 510-507-1763, visit me, Kelly Montgomery, LMFT in my office in Oakland at www.healinghappenstherapy.com.

Filed Under: balance, calm, couples, couples counseling, creativity, love, Oakland, playfulness, romance Tagged With: , ,

Romance is simply creativity, so get those creative juices flowing!

by

beach-193786_1280-2

I was talking to my father last weekend on the phone. The usual transpired, “what are you doing”, “how are you,” I asked him what he was doing for his wife for Valentine’s day.  He said “Nothing, I don’t know what to do.”  Still in his 60’s he’s stumped at romance.  Here’s some help:

1. Creativity doesn’t have to mean working rally hard. Keep it simple. Think of things you don’t do everyday like Write a love note (when was the last time you got something in writing instead of on some kind of screen?) and for bonus points then hide the note somewhere your partner will be surprised to find it, like the medicine cabinet or under the pillow.  This creates a surprise factor, something out of the ordinary and expresses some kind of feeling. Check , check and check!

2. Use your senses. Cant figure out what to do?  Pick a category (taste, touch, hear, smell, sight).  Nothing says playful like a blindfold and some fruit!

3. Knowing something personal about your partner and using that in some creative way is one of the best romantic gigs.  Do they like to hike? Set up a picnic before hand, and when you come around the bend, Surprise! its all set up.

Romance doesn’t have to cost money. Being creative doesn’t have to be hard. Romance is so very necessary and foundational in a well oiled relationship.  Now I have to go call my Dad and see that he followed through!

Filed Under: couples, creativity, healthy relationship, love, playfulness, romance Tagged With: , , , , , ,