Long-term romances bring so much good into your life, but you also know romantic partnership isn’t effortless. When times are tough and your marriage is affected, the first place you tend to notice is in the bedroom. The statistics corroborate the story: From your partnership here in Oakland, to couples all over the country, one in three marriages struggles with a gap in sexual desire.
When you first got married or met your partner, you were probably excited about the prospect of getting physical with your favorite person in the long term. As time wears on, and your partner’s place next to you in bed is a certainty, it’s possible for the sex you’re having to become, well… boring (snooze*).
You want and need the comfort your relationship brings—but there’s a difference between comfort and complacency.
Maybe you’re as attracted as ever to your partner. Whether you and your spouse are having a hard time connecting between the sheets or not, the point is the same: You and your spouse have a lot to gain from a fun sex life.
What better way to find out what turns you on, and tunes you into your partner, than discovering new intimate frontiers together?
Make a sex bucket list
What’s the big missing ingredient in long-time married sex? Generally what feels boring—and predictable—is the lack of the kind of surprise you felt when you were first learning each other’s bodies.
It makes sense: You’re tired after work, and you don’t feel like you have a ton of extra energy to expend on having the kind of sex you did 10 years ago.
A sex bucket list can be a great way to feel excited about new kinds of intimacy, rather than recreating an old reality. You might be surprised to find out that your sexual desires change over time. In other words, you’re still capable of surprising your partner—and yourself (wahoo!*).
Making a sex bucket list together means sitting down and sharing what turns you on—something that isn’t always the easiest to talk about in an open and honest way. Talking about what you want in bed, in terms of ideas, is a great way to minimize the awkwardness: Instead of sharing what you don’t like, you’re sharing what you want more of going forward.
As you start checking sexual experiences off your bucket list, you’ll probably find that you and your partner look at each other a little differently. You laugh more. You feel excited about your marriage again.
Maybe you and your partner already have a great sex life. Physical intimacy is frequent and fun. Yet even you could benefit from carving out time to sit down and talk about where you want your sex to take you.
If you’re having a hard time finding inspiration for your bucket list, start with the title “5 things I want you to do to me in the bedroom.” You might find that your bucket list takes you out of the bedroom altogether.
“Sex” is a simple, one-syllable word belying an infinitely complex experience—sex isn’t one position, or even just the time you spend making love. Sex is what you’re thinking about when your partner touches you. Sex is your fantasies. Sex is about how your spouse makes you feel, and how you feel about your spouse, but sex is also about mechanics. Sometimes a position just doesn’t work for you.
If all this sex business is starting to sound a little dire, don’t worry—this is no dry textbook affair. Remember that sex is great at what it does: Releasing tension, inspiring fun, and pulling you closer into the person who cares about you the most.
