Healing Happens Therapy

you can heal, we can help.

Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

How to Get Close, Stay Close, and Like It: A Guy’s Guide

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Most men would love to be in a relationship. But many men are also afraid of being in a relationship. Some men don’t even realize that they have this issue – they just find one reason after another not to become too intimate.

If you are looking for help in intimacy, therapy can be very successful. It can help you to understand what is going on, and help you with identifying the underlying issues, including traumatic experiences from the past, that prevent you from enjoying intimacy today.

Here are a few steps in a guy’s guide to intimacy

Get close

Letting your guard down

If you wear your armor, if you have a weapon ready at all times, if you are alert to the danger of being invaded – well, then you have your guard up.

Nobody can hurt you. And nobody can touch you.

The first step towards getting close to someone else is to let them touch you. Physically and emotionally.

Think about it: this person is not an enemy.

Showing emotions

 Boys are often taught not to show emotions. But men still have feelings! Sometimes these feelings can even be stronger because they are hidden away. Most of all, getting close to another person involves outwardly expressing emotions.

If you have always been told not to show your feelings, you may be nervous when others show them. It might even be a reason to push them away. Maybe those ‘clingy’ women you knew were really just showing their feelings and it was up to you to respond by showing them yours.

If you have a lot of trouble with this, there are Oakland-Berkeley Men’s Groups that may also help you get accustomed to showing emotions and expressing them in a safe space.

Being a man

Men are told to ‘be a man’. That’s the most important thing in life. And the fear of being thought ‘unmanly’ immediately brings that guard back up.

However, there are many ways to be a man. Becoming cold and distant out of fear is only one of them, and is it really? It is the one that keeps you from intimacy.

Taking the big risk

Once you have your guard down, once you let somebody touch you, you are taking a big risk. That’s real. Yes, you can be hurt. Yes, you can inadvertently hurt someone else.

But, once you get close, who knows what may happen.

Stay close

Letting someone else know you

When you have decided to take that big risk and let somebody touch you, they will know who you are. You won’t be able to keep up a façade. They will know how you act, in bed, in the morning, after a hard day at work.

You will need to overcome your fear of giving that knowledge away. Yes, knowledge is also power. It’s just what happens in intimate relationships.

Getting hurt (that big risk!)

And when you stay close to someone, at some point, you will get hurt. It’s inevitable.

Are you man enough to take that risk? Can you tolerate that pain and transform it into the foundation of a long lasting partnership? Just like when you’re working out in the Bay Club or at 24 hour gym you’re building muscle.

Sharing

Remember when you were a toddler and asked to share?

You knew the joy of sharing then, before you were told to be an alpha male and take more than you gave away to others.

An intimate partnership is all about sharing. And sharing is a skill – just ask the toddler inside you! You can learn it every day. And it will bring you a lot of enjoyment.

Being a man

Taking the risk of intimacy is a big bold thing to do. It takes a lot of courage. You’ll be in charge of your love life, instead of being ruled by fear.

Like being close

Being connected

Try it. Feeling intimately connected to another person gives you a place where you belong. In addition, it expands your ability to feel and empathize. And it surpasses any connection you might have with a pet, or a place, or even with a friend.

Feeling your heart

No, that’s not a soppy romantic phrase. When you start to like intimacy, you will also discover more about what is going on in your own heart.

The joy of intimacy

… just like the ground-breaking book ‘The Joy of Sex’ that made it easier for people to talk about their erotic desires and explore them, the joy of intimacy comes with talking and listening. Listen to your partner and also to your therapist along the way.

Being a man

Being a man means being human. To experience the full range of being human. Getting close, staying close and liking to be close and intimate with someone else is a vital part of that experience.

Give yourself a chance to go for it. If you aren’t already interested in someone special, Oakland has a very rich and varied dating scene. Out there is a person looking for closeness and intimacy who may already be waiting for you.

Filed Under: communication, couples counseling, healthy relationship, is she the one, life coaching, love, men's couseling, ready fro change, romance, self help, sexual intimacy

A Sex Bucket List? Why Every Couple Should Have One

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Sex bucket list (2)Long-term romances bring so much good into your life, but you also know romantic partnership isn’t effortless. When times are tough and your marriage is affected, the first place you tend to notice is in the bedroom. The statistics corroborate the story: From your partnership here in Oakland, to couples all over the country, one in three marriages struggles with a gap in sexual desire.

When you first got married or met your partner, you were probably excited about the prospect of getting physical with your favorite person in the long term. As time wears on, and your partner’s place next to you in bed is a certainty, it’s possible for the sex you’re having to become, well… boring (snooze*).

You want and need the comfort your relationship brings—but there’s a difference between comfort and complacency.

Maybe you’re as attracted as ever to your partner. Whether you and your spouse are having a hard time connecting between the sheets or not, the point is the same: You and your spouse have a lot to gain from a fun sex life.

What better way to find out what turns you on, and tunes you into your partner, than discovering new intimate frontiers together?

Make a sex bucket list

What’s the big missing ingredient in long-time married sex? Generally what feels boring—and predictable—is the lack of the kind of surprise you felt when you were first learning each other’s bodies.

It makes sense: You’re tired after work, and you don’t feel like you have a ton of extra energy to expend on having the kind of sex you did 10 years ago.

A sex bucket list can be a great way to feel excited about new kinds of intimacy, rather than recreating an old reality. You might be surprised to find out that your sexual desires change over time. In other words, you’re still capable of surprising your partner—and yourself (wahoo!*).

Making a sex bucket list together means sitting down and sharing what turns you on—something that isn’t always the easiest to talk about in an open and honest way. Talking about what you want in bed, in terms of ideas, is a great way to minimize the awkwardness: Instead of sharing what you don’t like, you’re sharing what you want more of going forward.

As you start checking sexual experiences off your bucket list, you’ll probably find that you and your partner look at each other a little differently. You laugh more. You feel excited about your marriage again.

Maybe you and your partner already have a great sex life. Physical intimacy is frequent and fun. Yet even you could benefit from carving out time to sit down and talk about where you want your sex to take you.

If you’re having a hard time finding inspiration for your bucket list, start with the title “5 things I want you to do to me in the bedroom.” You might find that your bucket list takes you out of the bedroom altogether.

“Sex” is a simple, one-syllable word belying an infinitely complex experience—sex isn’t one position, or even just the time you spend making love. Sex is what you’re thinking about when your partner touches you. Sex is your fantasies. Sex is about how your spouse makes you feel, and how you feel about your spouse, but sex is also about mechanics. Sometimes a position just doesn’t work for you.

If all this sex business is starting to sound a little dire, don’t worry—this is no dry textbook affair. Remember that sex is great at what it does: Releasing tension, inspiring fun, and pulling you closer into the person who cares about you the most.

Filed Under: sex, sex therapy, sexual intimacy

Talking About Sex vs. Mind Reading — 5 Reasons Why Talking is Best

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lady bug sex 1It’s no secret that the sex life you and your partner share plays a big role in how happy, safe, and loved you feel in your relationship. There’s even more to the story of sex than feeling physically good. Sex is a (very enjoyable) ritual of connection, drawing you and your partner into each other’s world.

So when it comes to twisting the sheets with your spouse, don’t be shy—talk about it! If you commit to being open with your partner about how you’re feeling in the bedroom, navigating a sometimes tricky subject can open you up to greater intimacy, not conflict (phew!*).

If you’re unsure or afraid of talking about sex, and usually find yourself mind reading instead, here are five great reasons to change tactics.

1. Mind reading won’t give you answers.

When it comes to figuring out what your partner likes in bed, talking gives you answers, while mind-reading yields guesses. If you’re not talking about sex, and jump to conclusions instead, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios can overwhelm you. You could start to feel really alone in your relationship or frustrated that you are not getting what you need. Talking about sex helps you avoid mistaking assumptions for truth.

2. Talking opens you up to another kind of intimacy.

Romantic intimacy is all about vulnerability. Part of the reason sex can so powerfully connect you to your partner is that it requires opening up, and accepting your partner’s vulnerability too. You might be more comfortable seducing your partner than talking about how, when, and why you do it, as touch can sometimes feel safer than words. But by sharing your vulnerable feelings, intimacy becomes even deeper.

So talk about it—how do you feel when your partner touches you? What would you like to do more of? Talking reinforces that your shared sex life is a relationship, not just an occasional meeting.

3. Your partner can still surprise you.

It might seem like after all these years, you know how to push your partner’s buttons, when to push them, and for how long. You might have a bedroom routine or even that is gone now. Sometimes you try to spice things up to keep the spark alive, but the spice you add often becomes awkward too. Or, maybe you feel like you’ve learned everything there is to know about the person who shares your bed.

In truth, your partner’s needs and preferences can change over time. They might want something in bed they never considered until now. The only way to take the temperature of your partner’s desires is to ask.

4. When you talk about sex, both of your needs are on the table.

If you’re unhappy with how things have been playing out in the bedroom, you can start to feel disconnected—like maybe your partner doesn’t understand you. If you’re tight-lipped about the tension, all the things you’re feeling build up. “This isn’t fair,” you might think, after your partner denies your advances a few times in a row.

When you talk about sex, both of your needs are out in the open. You might learn that your partner simply needs a different kind of foreplay to feel interested. You might surprise your partner with what turns you on too.

5. Talking is proactive.

If your sex life is feeling a little tense, talking about it can add fuel to frustrated fires. If you talk about sex when things are good, you set the stage for working together when things get tough. Talking about how you’re feeling prevents miscommunication from coming between you and your partner. So get out there and get busy!

Filed Under: couples counseling, Oakland, purpose, romance, sex, sexual intimacy Tagged With: , , , ,

Stale Sex: Bored in the Bedroom

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stale sex blog

Need some spice? (and no I’m not talking about Oakland’s famous Burma Superstar restaurant, although spice can be an aphrodisiac!)  Are you bored in the bed? Can you predict the very next move your spouse is going to make in the sheets?  Let’s be really honest here.  Long term couples can get caught in a repetitive pattern with their love making, stuck in a rut.  But, sex is (one of?) the best part of being in a couple!  It shouldn’t as hum drum as washing the dishes or running errands.   A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  What is a healthy sex life?  Enjoy yourself.  Make sure you have a few of these things in your bed with you:

  1. Playfulness (teasing, laughing, smiling)
  2. Variety (new positions, new places other than the bed)
  3. Nightwear (this goes for you too men! Switch it up, have some great sex with your eyes before you even get undressed! Go ahead and lust after your spouse! )
  4. Props (Even if sex toys are not your thing, a scarf or a feather can go a long way, use your imagination!)
  5. Sultry (Remember in that moment you are not ant other role but “lover.” Don’t be afraid to get seriously into it.)

If you want to learn more call for an appointment,510-507-1763, Kelly Montgomery, LMFT, www.healinghappenstherapy.com

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, get your sexy back, healthy relationship, sex, sex therapy, sexual intimacy Tagged With: , , ,

The month for love, are YOU my Valentine?

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Is he the one? Does she still light your fire? Feeling sluggish on the love front? Not connecting like you used to? Come and check out my Love Series for couples this month. 6 sessions built around rekindling, repairing and growing together in love.  Come in and get your groove on (after you get home!) by learning how to ask for what you need, learning how to receive the nurturing you desire and to build a foundation for a steamy future! www.healinghappenstherapy.com

Filed Under: couples counseling, is he the one, is she the one, sex therapy, sexual intimacy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Sex talk?

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“My husband never touches me anymore” or  “my wife will never have sex with me”  or “I’m always the one having to initiate sex,” sound familiar?  What is it really like in your bedroom?  Sex is everywhere in the media but how does it translate into your own home?

Most people feel out of balance in this jam packed busy world of ours and loose the opportunity to connect.  We forget how to, or get stuck in some depleting routine that doesn’t serve us or our partners.  Sex is, among other things, merely another way to communicate.  If you are having trouble communicating, you bet your sex life isn’t that great either.  These two are inexorably connected in a relationship.

If your sex life could talk, what would it say?

  • Both partners get a piece of paper
  • Each write down how they think the other initiates sex non verbally
  • Match up and see if your cues are being see and heard the right way
  • Go try out some non verbal communication!

Then, come and see me here in Oakland at www.healinghappenstherapy.com!

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counseling, romance, sex, sexual intimacy, therapy Tagged With: , , , , , , ,