4 Issues that May Create Mismatched Libidos
How we express ourselves sexually is a unique part of our personality. What turns us on doesn’t automatically excite someone else. Within the law, there is no right or wrong. Within a relationship, things can get more complicated.
The first thing we think of in terms of libido is: how often? Some will say every day. Others (if not most) will prefer less. But, as with all aspects of human interactions, this is subject to change.
Libido can also refer to how long you’d like sex to last. Typically, this is a case-by-case situation. Even so, it’s not easy to get these preferences lined up. It’s not unusual to expect a long session but experience a shift along the way. Trying to tell this to your partner can be tricky.
4. Lack of communication
Being vulnerable and misunderstood can cause a lot of defenses, guilt and maybe even shame. Not surprisingly, this leads us to shut down. But without communication, any relationship can become unhealthy.
5 Steps to Re-Match Your Mismatched Libidos
1. Have a conversation. Make it an ongoing conversation.
What feels like a mismatch just might be a misunderstanding.
Your sex life does not stand a chance if you’re not communicating about it. This means during the act, of course. But mostly, it means before and after. You ask each other, “What are you in the mood for?” before cooking. You shop together, try new recipes and restaurants, and talk about food likes and dislikes. Are you being that talkative about your libido? Sex is a language in itself. Become fluent in it!
2. Turn off the porn.
Turn on your imagination and creativity. If you need to get ideas from porn get them together- but tune into your true feelings and desires—without being influenced by those images on your phone. Real life is not boring. Stop by Good Vibrations in Grand Lake Oakland to discover together what other options exist outside the realm of porn.
3. Redefine sex and intimacy
You might ask yourself: How many times per month do we have sex? But there’s a question to ask before tackling that question. How do we define “sex”? If it has to be intercourse plus orgasms, you might be missing a big part of the equation. Taking a shower together. Giving a sensual massage. Then there are also all the amazing acts that get lumped under the umbrella of “foreplay.”
4. Accept compromise and change
Part of any relationship is the ability to compromise. It’s like a delicious stew but, of course, some ingredients are better than others. Your sex life requires openness and vulnerability and a willingness to accept change. It all comes back to speaking the language of sex with each other openly.
5. What about bringing in outside help?
Sure, its private, but building trust with a professional therapist who can help you bring back the passion in your marriage is worth it. There’s no rule that you have to figure this out on your own. See below for more.
Can couples counseling help?
The short answer is yes. But it involves a commitment from you and your partner. It also involves finding a therapist with the experience and skill to mediate and guide effectively.
Re-matching your libidos may begin with a free 15-minute phone consultation. As you progress through therapy, you’ll learn and grow together… and likely find that the homework assignments can be awesome.