Healing Happens Therapy

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Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

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Craving a Closer Connection? 6 Ways to Build Intimacy

January 9, 2018 by kellymontgomerymft

Craving a Closer Connection? 6 Ways to Build Intimacy

The honeymoon is over. This cliché is never a good thing to hear. It can be applied pretty broadly but has its roots in the belief that all relationships eventually “cool off.” This, of course, depends on how you perceive relationships overall.Like all human ventures, there is a feeling specific to the beginning of relationships. Our first mistake is to believe this vibe (or any vibe) is automatically permanent. Relationships, individuals, and intimacy all evolve. Change is most often a good thing. Without an openness to new ideas, behaviors, and perceptions, intimacy will fade.

What Causes Intimacy to Fade?

1. Silence

Intimacy cannot exist without healthy communication. If you let silence become your language of choice, more than your intimacy will fade.

2. Lack of Touch

Intimacy cannot exist without touch. Cuddling, holding hands, a shoulder rub—there is no limit to what falls under the umbrella of “healthy physical contact.”

3. Roommate Syndrome

Living together often makes us feel more like business partners than lovers—especially when children are in the picture. If laundry, soccer practice, and car repairs dominate your connection, you have work to do.

4. Fighting

Myth: Intimacy and conflict cannot coexist. We are complex beings. Relationships thrive on the fact that we are individuals. However, if we allow fighting to preempt intimacy, there is likely a deeper problem that needs attention.

6 Ways to Build Intimacy

1. Communicate

This topic was #1 on the above list. It’s back at the top here, too. We use spoken language to convey our feelings and state of mind. Without this avenue, it’s unreasonable to assume an intimate link can be maintained. Set aside time each day to communicate. Hone your skills. Be ready to listen.

2. Prioritize Oral

This doesn’t mean what you might think it does! Text, chat, and email are all fine. Face-to-face communication is where intimacy deepens. Tech messages can enhance that connection. But never allow non-verbal to become your method of choice.

3. Say No to Porn

Too much Internet pornography is now recognized as a public health crisis. It creates unhealthy sexual perspectives, leads to erectile dysfunction, and removes the imagination from the equation. Your brain is your hottest sex organ. Porn often numbs and negates its power.

4. Re-Imagine What Intimacy Can Mean

Sometimes this world also can steer us away from some of life’s most simple yet amazing pleasures. The value of sustained eye contact is as high as anything you do when aroused and naked. Make this part of your communication time. Talk about ways to heighten intimacy in everyday life.

5. Get Out of the Normal Routine

Where is it written that intimacy only happens in your bedroom? The Oakland area is home to some wonderful and romantic bed and breakfast-style inns. For example, The Bates House, International Casa, and the Bellevue Club are suggested getaways on many travel sites.

6. Make Intimacy a Top Priority

Intimacy is easily weakened when we do not focus on it enough. Lust often creates the first connection. But lust is often taken for granted. Try viewing your intimate life with the same daily focus as your financial life and see what happens.

Have You Considered Seeing Other People?

No…not in that way. Couples counseling not only builds intimacy, it’s a form of intimacy. You are your partner commit to weekly sessions or an all-day one time, VIP session—challenging, cathartic, connecting. You openly discuss your thoughts and feelings, learn to recognize patterns, and move forward as a couple. Therapy can teach and guide. Quite often, couples need a tune-up of sorts. Life pulls us in so many directions that we lose sight of our priorities. Couples counseling is where we can return to our roots in order to grow together in new ways.

Filed Under: communication, couples, healthy relationship Tagged With: communication, Couples, love, support

What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

January 3, 2018 by kellymontgomerymft

What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

What a time to be alive! That line may be the stuff of silly memes, but it has a very serious side, too. Rapid changes in how we communicate have significantly changed the field of mental health for the better. Scheduling difficulties, time restraints, and even geographical distance no longer automatically prevent you from working with the therapist of your choice. Thanks to telemental healthcare, the playing field has shifted.

What is Telemental Healthcare?

Sure, therapists have been doing phone sessions in a pinch for years. Today, however, teletherapy is a featured service and this means using a face-to-face video platform. Your device may be:

  • Desktop computer
  • Laptop
  • Tablet
  • Smartphone

What matters is that you’re comfortable with the technology and are able to arrange for a private time. From there, it’s just like any other session with your therapist—without the commute, rush, or barriers created by a disability. The video platform allows important elements like voice inflections and facial gestures to be factored in.

What You Need to Know About Telemental Healthcare

1. Ask your therapist about their experience

Not all counselors are skilled or comfortable using telemental healthcare. Ask questions about their experience. Perhaps try one session first before committing to this format.

2. Talk to your therapist about the video platform being used

Of course, privacy is paramount. Licenced therapist use HIPPA compliant platforms. To keep your information private, make certain the platform is the most secure choice available.

3. Learn about state laws

State licensure and regulations vary from state to state. This could impact your ability to work with your preferred therapist. Clarify all such details with your counselor before beginning.

4. Is it right for you?

If you can easily get to a physical appointment, are you the kind of person for whom this is optimal? Sometimes, to have a specific go-to venue for counseling is part of the benefit. The goal and purpose of telemental healthcare is not merely a convenience. As with all modalities, it’s about recovery and results.

The Benefits of Online Therapy

1. Making the impossible possible

The most obvious benefit is a drastic reduction in scheduling obstacles. For example, if your job takes you temporarily from Oakland to Los Angeles, or you work a different schedule like a fireman, it no longer means you will go without therapy during that time. Of course, telemental healthcare is especially important for those with a disability that makes traveling a challenge.

2. Countering the stigma

We’ve come a long way, but the stigma of therapy can still exist for some. Even today, individuals can face family or work pressure surrounding their choice to seek therapy. Scheduling a location other than a therapist’s office may provide privacy and peace of mind.

3. It may coincide with your specific needs

You may, for example, be seeking therapy due to depression or severe social anxiety. These circumstances quite possibly could make it daunting for you to commit to a regular appointment outside your home. “Teletherapy,” in such cases, is an ideal entry point for moving towards recovery.

How to Connect with an Online Therapist

Telemental healthcare is a relatively new approach. As touched on above, it has unique requirements. Therefore, those seeking to try this method must choose carefully. Equally so, tele-therapists must wisely discern which patients are best able to adapt to the video platform. To learn more, and perhaps get started in the realm of telemental healthcare, contact Healing Happens Therapy for a free consultation.

Filed Under: balance, calm, communication, couples counseling, depression, divorce, family, goals, health, healthy relationship, infidelity, men's couseling, new years resolutions, parenting, purpose, reframe, self care, self help, self love, stress, therapy, Uncategorized Tagged With: communication, couples counseling, couples therapy, empowerment, life coaching, mental health, self care, self love, support, telemental

Common Communication Problems and How to Fix Them

June 21, 2016 by kellymontgomerymft

www.HealingHappysTherapy.com

Are the conversations you have with your partner something you look forward to?  Or are they mundane daily check-in chatter?

Do you find that conversation isn’t really happening at all, because lately, interaction seems stifled or silent amid career and family obligations, crammed schedules, and more?

Restoring quality communication and boosting your connection will mean pinning down some problems and making some changes.  Consider the following communication problems and communication enhancing solutions:

Communication problem: Communication isn’t a priority.

Perhaps you thought the pieces of your relationship would always just fall together. Maybe you feel that your love is so strong that your connection really doesn’t require much maintenance.

If so, you’re gambling with your good thing. Communication protects your bond.

The fix? Be intentional. 

Commit now to better communication. Decide to amend your approach to daily interactions with your partner. Demonstrate that you sincerely want to connect. Sincerity and dedicated effort will be appreciated by your partner as you move forward.

Communication problem: Distracted discussions, date nights, and downtime.

Many couples complain about the silence between them. Not because there is anything really wrong at first. Unless you count ever present screens, the constant presence of a child or children, and the piles of work that are always calling them away from each other.

Too many unchecked distractions kill meaningful conversation and get in the way of connection.

The fix? Be available to each other.

Time is extremely important for deeper conversations to occur. Loving communication requires your mental and physical presence. Be there for each other. Phone, text, use social media in an effort to check in with each other and schedule face-to-face time or schedule a date. Loving feelings will grow each time you make time to share. It’s wise to put the world aside routinely to really see and hear each other. Forget the chores, turn off the glowing screens, get a sitter for the kids, go for a drive to see the Oakland city lights and talk. Schedule togetherness and make time to talk.

Communication problem: “Me speak” instead of “we speak.”

It’s easy to get wrapped up in what you need and want, what kind of mood you’re in, your schedule and responsibilities without checking in with your partner and assessing what he or she needs or wants.

Our natural tendency is to speak and act from a place of self-interest and concern.

The fix? Pay attention.

You probably have a lot to say, you likely have a million things to do.

But what is your partner sharing?

To be a good listener you must engage your partner, see their point of view. Boost your ability to focus and hear your partner in these ways:

    • Ask questions.
    • Sincerely reflect back what you heard.
    • Interpret your partner’s body language and tone.
    • Study your partner and gather information about what matters to them.

Communication problem: Unresolved issues keep communication efforts unproductive.

If you find that you and your partner often say “we don’t talk anymore.” Perhaps you need to take a close look at what’s going on in your relationship. What aren’t you saying and why?

Sometimes partners fear unresolved issues or problems will create too much conflict, so they ignore them.

The fix? Be proactive, vulnerable, and brave.

It’s okay if communication sometimes makes waves. Good communication is open and honest. You can disagree, discuss, and seek answers lovingly.

Share your concerns completely so that buried problems don’t become barriers between you. Ask each other questions, really hear each other on tough issues affecting you both. Be resolution-minded but accept that some issues simply won’t be resolved. Either way, don’t hide from each other. Seek out ways to communicate differences of opinion maturely and considerately.

Communication problem: The need to be right inspires fights.

Couples experiencing a lot of conflict and rough communication often do so because they have fallen into competitive, confrontational communication cycles.

The need to win an argument becomes the goal rather than reaching compromises or even making each other feel heard and understood.

The fix? Be respectful and compassionate.

Remember, you’re in this life together. You aren’t two bickering lawyers trying to debate each other into submission. Keep conflicts in perspective. Think about what you’re saying and whether it will heal the rift between you or just score points.

Keep in mind that you’ve chosen each other as partners. Your relationship deserves to be honored and your partner deserves loving respect. Speak kindly and thoughtfully. Generously provide each other a large measure of grace and understanding.

Finally, if you and your partner find that unproductive and ineffective communication habits are hindering your relationship, reach out to a qualified couples counselor. They can help interrupt what isn’t working, amplify what does serve you well, and give you step by step tool to use that will one day become second nature in the way that you talk, solving problems before they even arise!

Filed Under: arguing, communication, couples, couples counsleing Tagged With: Arguments, communication, couples therapy

Fighting & Arguing the Right Way

May 7, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

Angry  much-Fighting right? Yes arguing the right way can be good!

We all do it. Yes even that perfect couple you just thought of, that lives in that perfect house in the Oakland Hills, with their perfect life- they do it too. They probably just do it better than you.  Want to learn how to fight and have it be productive? Check these tips out and come in for some training on how to use anger and frustration to your benefit as a couple. www.healinghappenstherapy.com.

1.Take turns. (Don’t talk over each other, you’ll just go in circles)

2. Repeat what you heard. (This one is hard because you are thinking about your side and your story- try your best, use their words).

3. Make sure it honestly makes sense to you. (You don’t have to agree- just check in and make sure you get what they are saying. Being confused is no fun.)

4. Guess what they might be feeling. (Pretend this isn’t your spouse but someone else telling you this story-If you were in their shoes, what would you guess they might be going through? This builds some empathy.)

5. Repeat (Make sure you get a turn to speak and be heard as well as listen.)

6. Touch (If you can, if you feel safe enough, hold hands or link arms, something simple to build the connection.)

Happy fighting!

Filed Under: arguing, Berkeley, communication, couples, couples counseling, healthy relationship, Oakland, stress, touching Tagged With: arguing, communication, fighting, listening

Money, and love (and fish tacos!)

March 4, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

bank-notes-bills-buy-2114-800x608

I was sitting in Chitolita Linda on Telegraph in Oakland the other day and overheard a part of a couples conversation…it went something like this:

Her: It’s my money too.

Him: I work hard for it and want to spend it the way I want to.

Her: We have to agree on how to spend our money just because you make it doesn’t mean its a dictatorship!

Him: …(Silence)

Money is a huge factor in relationships.  There has to be a fluid conversation about money in your home.  In this scenario, the man shut down, and the woman doesn’t know how to validate. Sound familiar? Arguments around money are extremely dangerous for the marriage or relationship.  Couples counseling can help. Come in and learn how to listen and be heard and validate on another and come up with a way to communicate that work for the both of you.  Then, get on with your lives and eat some amazing fish tacos or the Cubano sandwich- they are to die for!

 

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counseling, Money Tagged With: communication, cubanos, fish tacos, money, oakland

How to avoid filing for divorce- three times!?

January 27, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

 

divorce-619195_1280-2

This looks rough:  http://www.eonline.com/news/618545/james-caan-files-for-divorce-from-his-wife-for-the-third-time-in-10-years.  What is going on in your relationship when you are not sure about the commitment you have made?  What happened to your your desire for one another?  What made you fall in love with them in the first place? What can you take responsibility for? Start by feeling sure about your self and your connection to your partner.   Test these things out and see what turns up:

1. Touch your partner. When they walk by graze their arm, when they come home give them a long kiss. When you sit and relax, cuddle.  Have you ever tried to argue while holding hands? Believe me its a MUCH different conversation that it would be without touching.

2. Tell them WHAT you love about them, not just “I love you.”  Get sure about it, remind yourself why you chose to be committed to them, what makes you laugh about them or what makes the different from others?  Be specific, and watch to see if things re kindle.

3. When things get too tough to handle, let someone else lead. Come and see me!  www.healinghappenstherapy.com  Get into couples counseling and invest in getting on with the rest of your life.  Find the tools you need to move on and live to the fullest.

Filed Under: communication, couples counsleing, divorce, sex, therapy, touching Tagged With: communication, couples counseling, Divorce, file for divorce, filing for divorce, marriage therapy, save the marriage, self love, sex, touching

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Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

* Kelly Montgomery now practices virtually only (online and phone). New clients may use the toll free number above and existing or returning clients may contact her local number via phone by downloading the “Whatsapp” application on your device.

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