Healing Happens Therapy

you can heal, we can help.

Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

  • Home
  • About
    • Faqs
    • For Interns
    • Book
  • Sex & Intimacy
  • Trust & Communication
  • Health & Wellness
  • VIP COUPLES INTENSIVES
  • Online Therapy and Coaching
  • Resources
    • Fees
  • Blog
  • Contact

Craving a Closer Connection? 6 Ways to Build Intimacy

January 9, 2018 by kellymontgomerymft

Craving a Closer Connection? 6 Ways to Build Intimacy

The honeymoon is over. This cliché is never a good thing to hear. It can be applied pretty broadly but has its roots in the belief that all relationships eventually “cool off.” This, of course, depends on how you perceive relationships overall.Like all human ventures, there is a feeling specific to the beginning of relationships. Our first mistake is to believe this vibe (or any vibe) is automatically permanent. Relationships, individuals, and intimacy all evolve. Change is most often a good thing. Without an openness to new ideas, behaviors, and perceptions, intimacy will fade.

What Causes Intimacy to Fade?

1. Silence

Intimacy cannot exist without healthy communication. If you let silence become your language of choice, more than your intimacy will fade.

2. Lack of Touch

Intimacy cannot exist without touch. Cuddling, holding hands, a shoulder rub—there is no limit to what falls under the umbrella of “healthy physical contact.”

3. Roommate Syndrome

Living together often makes us feel more like business partners than lovers—especially when children are in the picture. If laundry, soccer practice, and car repairs dominate your connection, you have work to do.

4. Fighting

Myth: Intimacy and conflict cannot coexist. We are complex beings. Relationships thrive on the fact that we are individuals. However, if we allow fighting to preempt intimacy, there is likely a deeper problem that needs attention.

6 Ways to Build Intimacy

1. Communicate

This topic was #1 on the above list. It’s back at the top here, too. We use spoken language to convey our feelings and state of mind. Without this avenue, it’s unreasonable to assume an intimate link can be maintained. Set aside time each day to communicate. Hone your skills. Be ready to listen.

2. Prioritize Oral

This doesn’t mean what you might think it does! Text, chat, and email are all fine. Face-to-face communication is where intimacy deepens. Tech messages can enhance that connection. But never allow non-verbal to become your method of choice.

3. Say No to Porn

Too much Internet pornography is now recognized as a public health crisis. It creates unhealthy sexual perspectives, leads to erectile dysfunction, and removes the imagination from the equation. Your brain is your hottest sex organ. Porn often numbs and negates its power.

4. Re-Imagine What Intimacy Can Mean

Sometimes this world also can steer us away from some of life’s most simple yet amazing pleasures. The value of sustained eye contact is as high as anything you do when aroused and naked. Make this part of your communication time. Talk about ways to heighten intimacy in everyday life.

5. Get Out of the Normal Routine

Where is it written that intimacy only happens in your bedroom? The Oakland area is home to some wonderful and romantic bed and breakfast-style inns. For example, The Bates House, International Casa, and the Bellevue Club are suggested getaways on many travel sites.

6. Make Intimacy a Top Priority

Intimacy is easily weakened when we do not focus on it enough. Lust often creates the first connection. But lust is often taken for granted. Try viewing your intimate life with the same daily focus as your financial life and see what happens.

Have You Considered Seeing Other People?

No…not in that way. Couples counseling not only builds intimacy, it’s a form of intimacy. You are your partner commit to weekly sessions or an all-day one time, VIP session—challenging, cathartic, connecting. You openly discuss your thoughts and feelings, learn to recognize patterns, and move forward as a couple. Therapy can teach and guide. Quite often, couples need a tune-up of sorts. Life pulls us in so many directions that we lose sight of our priorities. Couples counseling is where we can return to our roots in order to grow together in new ways.

Filed Under: communication, couples, healthy relationship Tagged With: communication, Couples, love, support

How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner

December 31, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner // healinghappenstherapy.com

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or have been married for 20 years, you still want to keep that spark alive between you and your partner.  Passion can fade, turn dull and boring or become so predictable that you lose interest in the other person. However, the great thing is, you can turn things around in your relationship and increase that passion you once had or better yet, create brand new passion.

But first, think back to the time when you and your partner first started dating. It was new; it was exciting; it was full of heat. You probably felt your heart beating faster, your breath becoming heavier and your stomach flip-flopping anticipating their next move. You felt confident, beautiful, sexy and irresistible to them.

It’s time to feel that way again by doing two important things that will have you finding you and your partner irresistible once again.

Show Your Confidence

Have you ever been around someone that exudes confidence and just feels grounded in who they are? They know what they want and who they are, and it shows.  It’s magnetic. How do you get it?

Confidence is not about bragging what you have or what you’ve done. Being confident is about living your own life, on your own healthy terms. It’s about having a felt sense of your own inner wisdom, your right to be authentic and real and unapologetic for it.

You can ignore the naysayers of life, no passing judgment on yourself or others and be the truest form of Self that you can be.  The people you surround yourself with support you and your goals and dreams; they don’t stand in your way.  You like to dream big and take actions towards achieving those things.

When you feel good about who you are and love yourself unconditionally, then you are able to express that love to others. You are investing your heart and soul into yourself and also someone you’re passionate about, and they can feel that love, too.

Confident people tend to be more optimistic and think positively because they are able to take on life as it comes to them. They still get scared and have fear, but they also have a support system of folks cheering them on.  That support helps when obstacles are thrown their way. They can react calmly and take control of the situation and make successful adaptations.

When you feel good about yourself, others around you begin to feel good about themselves. It’s like a ripple effect.

Here are three ways to help boost your confidence:

  • Excel at things you’re good at, like your favorite hobbies. Success produces confidence, so invest in yourself and make time for the things you love to do. You don’t need to boast about your accomplishments, but just have personal awareness of them to raise your confidence.
  • Good self care: Feel better. Figure out what that means for you. Fresh air every day? Organizing your home? Moving your body? Processing your feelings by heading to therapy? Pick a few and make them stick.
  • Enhance your skills or weak areas to feel better about yourself. When you see how you’ve improved, you’ll begin to think more highly of yourself and your self-esteem will increase. You’ll have more pride in yourself and your work.

Show Interest in Your Partner’s World

It’s not always about you. When you show interest in your partner, you’re showing them that you are really interested in their world. You care about their likes, dislikes, philosophies, hobbies and interests. Head out and do fun activities together around Oakland and connect even more with each other. Get creative, compromise and even find yourself doing something you wouldn’t normally choose. You’ll create a thicker bond.

Relationships are about connecting to one another on much deeper levels as well, especially if you’re spending your life with someone. This can be crucial to a long-term couple. You must be mindful of each other and take the time to really get to know the other person. It’s not always what you do together but how you interact when you’re around each other.

When you express concern or interest towards them, you are allowing yourself to step aside and learning to dive into the other person’s world. Every day we’re responding or failing to respond, consciously or unconsciously, to our partner’s need for connection. Sometimes, it’s the day-to-day life and the little things that matter most. They might just want to know that you care.

People like to feel validated. When you ask the other person questions about their thoughts and feelings, you’re being with them in that moment, respecting their experiences and validating how they are thinking and feeling. You don’t always have to agree, just make space for them, show respect. You are able to get a glimpse of their world and see things through their perspective. It’s a way to show your understanding and acceptance of them just as they are. This sharing helps your partner to feel less stressed, upset, or vulnerable.

When couples share their innermost desires, thoughts and real feelings with each other, they become stronger together. They build up their levels of trust and intimacy, which creates longer lasting relationships.

Here are some ways to validate and show interest in your partner:

  • Practice mindful listening, where you fully pay attention to your companion, turning off all electronic devices and giving your undivided attention to them. Try to hold back your judgements and reactions to what they are saying. And, try to prevent yourself from attempting to fix, solve, advise or help the situation. Just listen.
  • When you see each other again in the evenings, ask how their day was and allow them to share their experiences with you.
  • Take time to sit down and talk periodically, asking open-ended questions to dive deeper into their stream of thought, hopes, fears and feelings. It can feel gratifying for them when they talk further about what they are thinking or feeling.

There are many ways to keep the spark alive in your marriage or relationship. It takes a bit of work and effort, but the payoff is so worth it to see that smile on their face and to hear how much they still love you after all these years and appreciate everything you do for them.

If you need more help in your relationship, Healing Happens Therapy can work with you and your partner to rebuild what you may have lost or work through any problems.

 

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, get your sexy back, healthy relationship, love Tagged With: Couples, couples counseling, couples therapy, love, relationships

8 Helpful Tips to Keep Your Partner (and Relationship) Top Priority

November 29, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

heart (2)Lucky you. You have a partner. Someone to share your life with. That connection is something to celebrate and appreciate; to keep at the top of your life’s list of priorities and prized possessions.

You’re in love and you want to keep in that way. Here are eight ways to prioritize your relationship:

#1. Find out what “fine” really means. “How are you?” should be a meaningful question in your relationship. Check in with each other routinely, and really seek to know how you partner is doing. Intentionally decide to live life together, aware of each other on many levels. Refuse to become roommates, living politely parallel lives. Ensure that real listening, compassion, and a true desire to know how your partner is feeling underlies your interaction.

#2. Schedule time. Disconnect is sneaky. It will tell you that you don’t have time for each other, that your partner will understand how busy you are, or that you’ll get together “later.” Don’t believe it. Simply gift each other with time. Date nights, day trips, weekend travel. Do whatever creates shared anticipation, experiences, and  memories. Make time for fun.

#3. Throw a party for your partner every day. Not really, but your partner should feel undeniably appreciated every day. Appreciation helps partners keep negativity at bay, and increases positive feelings between you. Make sincere praise and verbal affirmation routine. Consider it a privilege to send each other out into a tough world feeling seen, valued, and supported.

# 4. Obtain your love degree. What do you know makes your partner feel most loved? Gifts? Words? Touch? Poetry reading in Oakland Joaquin Miller Park? Whatever it is, learn that love lesson well. In fact, get an advanced degree. It can be dangerous to make assumptions about how your love feels. Ask questions, study his or her responses to your efforts; be curious. Study your partner, and learn to love in a way that is specific, attentive, and adaptable.

#5. Refuse to let resentments build. This is crucial. Communication is lauded as the cornerstone of open, healthy relationships because it works. Keep the lines open. Break any unproductive habit that allows resentment to live unaddressed between you. As an act of love and commitment, make time for self-examination, and make the changes you need to in yourself. No silent treatment, no minimizing, no avoidance. Trust and respect each other that much.

#6. Become a super, problem-solving duo. Relationships face problems and endure challenges all the time. It’s normal. Learning to tackle the tough stuff together makes it clear that you’re in the relationship game to win, and willing to do what it takes.

#7. Work through problems in an optimal situation, as often as possible. Teamwork works best if you’re not tired, inordinately angry, hungry, or inebriated. Seek to understand, and focus attention on, one or two issues. Even if you take opposing views, take care of each other. Protect your union by staying present and respectful. Your partner will appreciate it and likely do the same for you.

#8. Make intimacy a way of life. Sex and affection are good. (You bet they are* wink, wink.) So, keep intimacy fresh and vibrant. How? Be adventurous, fun, playful in the bedroom and out. Be so close that you seek each other out daily, brush up against each other often, and look forward to ending the day together, at the same time, focused on each other– not the TV, Internet, or your email. Talk to each other all day. Share your work lives, discuss your family, talk through the bills. Then go further, and risk sharing deeper thoughts of yourself.

Watch your relationship grow.

Filed Under: communication, couples, health, healthy relationship, love, self care Tagged With: Couples, Healthy, Intimacy, love, Partner

Talking About Sex vs. Mind Reading — 5 Reasons Why Talking is Best

June 24, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

lady bug sex 1It’s no secret that the sex life you and your partner share plays a big role in how happy, safe, and loved you feel in your relationship. There’s even more to the story of sex than feeling physically good. Sex is a (very enjoyable) ritual of connection, drawing you and your partner into each other’s world.

So when it comes to twisting the sheets with your spouse, don’t be shy—talk about it! If you commit to being open with your partner about how you’re feeling in the bedroom, navigating a sometimes tricky subject can open you up to greater intimacy, not conflict (phew!*).

If you’re unsure or afraid of talking about sex, and usually find yourself mind reading instead, here are five great reasons to change tactics.

1. Mind reading won’t give you answers.

When it comes to figuring out what your partner likes in bed, talking gives you answers, while mind-reading yields guesses. If you’re not talking about sex, and jump to conclusions instead, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios can overwhelm you. You could start to feel really alone in your relationship or frustrated that you are not getting what you need. Talking about sex helps you avoid mistaking assumptions for truth.

2. Talking opens you up to another kind of intimacy.

Romantic intimacy is all about vulnerability. Part of the reason sex can so powerfully connect you to your partner is that it requires opening up, and accepting your partner’s vulnerability too. You might be more comfortable seducing your partner than talking about how, when, and why you do it, as touch can sometimes feel safer than words. But by sharing your vulnerable feelings, intimacy becomes even deeper.

So talk about it—how do you feel when your partner touches you? What would you like to do more of? Talking reinforces that your shared sex life is a relationship, not just an occasional meeting.

3. Your partner can still surprise you.

It might seem like after all these years, you know how to push your partner’s buttons, when to push them, and for how long. You might have a bedroom routine or even that is gone now. Sometimes you try to spice things up to keep the spark alive, but the spice you add often becomes awkward too. Or, maybe you feel like you’ve learned everything there is to know about the person who shares your bed.

In truth, your partner’s needs and preferences can change over time. They might want something in bed they never considered until now. The only way to take the temperature of your partner’s desires is to ask.

4. When you talk about sex, both of your needs are on the table.

If you’re unhappy with how things have been playing out in the bedroom, you can start to feel disconnected—like maybe your partner doesn’t understand you. If you’re tight-lipped about the tension, all the things you’re feeling build up. “This isn’t fair,” you might think, after your partner denies your advances a few times in a row.

When you talk about sex, both of your needs are out in the open. You might learn that your partner simply needs a different kind of foreplay to feel interested. You might surprise your partner with what turns you on too.

5. Talking is proactive.

If your sex life is feeling a little tense, talking about it can add fuel to frustrated fires. If you talk about sex when things are good, you set the stage for working together when things get tough. Talking about how you’re feeling prevents miscommunication from coming between you and your partner. So get out there and get busy!

Filed Under: couples counseling, Oakland, purpose, romance, sex, sexual intimacy Tagged With: Couples, healing, oakland, sex, therapy

Arguing, feeling disconnected? Here is a tip to help calm things down.

April 3, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

hands-437968_1280-2

Sometimes we walk around our beautiful city, Oakland. We stroll by Lake Merritt and have to cross busy Harrison street to get there.  I always feel just a little bit safer, warmer when my man holds my hand crossing the street.  Take this and apply it to when are not feeling so lovey dovey.  Even the smallest touch can help. The chemicals in our bodies react even if we don’t know it.  Try talking and touching simultaneously. A hand on the small of the back, or facing each other with arms around each others waist.  Even if you are sitting on the couch, remember to touch. Play with her hair, or place your hand on his knee. Even if nothing sexual arrives, this is connection and can lead to a loving gaze, a kiss, or a great conversation. Go ahead and try it! It’s pretty difficult to have an argument while holding hands!

Call for a free 15 min consultation to get more tips on how to recover after an argument. www.healinghappenstherapy.com

Filed Under: arguing, calm, communication, couples, couples counseling, Oakland, touching Tagged With: argue, calm, Couples, oakland, touch

Fall Special for couples, 10% discount in Oakland, CA

October 2, 2014 by kellymontgomerymft

couple-dawn-dusk-1121-800x533

“Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits.”
― Samuel Butler

This month’s quote is a great reminder to us all as we head into a hectic, busy and often stressful holiday season.  This is the perfect time to gain some footing and  prep your self and your relationships for a season of change.  Family dynamics come into play, and financial stressors can ensue with the gift giving practice.  The actual seasons of change affect us whether we believe it or not too.  Oakland and general East bay area weather can be nice most of the time however, here are a few ways to help yourself:

1. Allow  daylight to enter the house.

2. Spend at least half an hour daily outdoors, get some air!

3. Move. Get some exercise even if its taking a walk or dancing in the living room!

4. Eat right.  Hunger and craving for sweets and starches is common in SAD. People eat to beat the blues and many of them become “carbohydrate addicts. ” Alarmed by the weight gain, they start dieting which makes them a “yo-yo weight changer. ” To avoid that, eat balanced meals which are high on complex carbohydrates and protein, and low on fat. Consult a good meals chart and plan a seven-day program which is heavily biased in favor of vegetables, fruits, and grains.

5. Laugh! Watch a movie or a comedy act.

AND THE BEST FOR LAST…

Taking time for ourselves in therapy and being proactive before any angst arrives, is so wise!

Come and see me in Oakland, CA first visit www.healinghappenstherapy.com and call at 510-507-1763

Filed Under: couples, depression, holidays, self help, therapy, weather Tagged With: Couples, depression, holidays, self help, therapy, weather

Appointments can be made by calling at 888-831-5221 , or by filling out the information below:

  • Home
  • About
  • Sex & Intimacy
  • Trust & Communication
  • Health & Wellness and Life Coaching
  • VIP COUPLES INTENSIVES
  • Resources
  • Blog
  • Contact

Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

* Kelly Montgomery now practices virtually only (online and phone). New clients may use the toll free number above and existing or returning clients may contact her local number via phone by downloading the “Whatsapp” application on your device.

© Healing Happens Therapy
A Bright Site by Brighter Vision

  • Kelly Montgomery, LMFT
  • Online Counselling
  • Visit my profile on YourTango Experts

Copyright © 2021 · Genesis Child on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in