Healing Happens Therapy

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Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

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What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

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What is Telemental Health Care? The Benefits of Online Therapy

What a time to be alive! That line may be the stuff of silly memes, but it has a very serious side, too. Rapid changes in how we communicate have significantly changed the field of mental health for the better. Scheduling difficulties, time restraints, and even geographical distance no longer automatically prevent you from working with the therapist of your choice. Thanks to telemental healthcare, the playing field has shifted.

What is Telemental Healthcare?

Sure, therapists have been doing phone sessions in a pinch for years. Today, however, teletherapy is a featured service and this means using a face-to-face video platform. Your device may be:

  • Desktop computer
  • Laptop
  • Tablet
  • Smartphone

What matters is that you’re comfortable with the technology and are able to arrange for a private time. From there, it’s just like any other session with your therapist—without the commute, rush, or barriers created by a disability. The video platform allows important elements like voice inflections and facial gestures to be factored in.

What You Need to Know About Telemental Healthcare

1. Ask your therapist about their experience

Not all counselors are skilled or comfortable using telemental healthcare. Ask questions about their experience. Perhaps try one session first before committing to this format.

2. Talk to your therapist about the video platform being used

Of course, privacy is paramount. Licenced therapist use HIPPA compliant platforms. To keep your information private, make certain the platform is the most secure choice available.

3. Learn about state laws

State licensure and regulations vary from state to state. This could impact your ability to work with your preferred therapist. Clarify all such details with your counselor before beginning.

4. Is it right for you?

If you can easily get to a physical appointment, are you the kind of person for whom this is optimal? Sometimes, to have a specific go-to venue for counseling is part of the benefit. The goal and purpose of telemental healthcare is not merely a convenience. As with all modalities, it’s about recovery and results.

The Benefits of Online Therapy

1. Making the impossible possible

The most obvious benefit is a drastic reduction in scheduling obstacles. For example, if your job takes you temporarily from Oakland to Los Angeles, or you work a different schedule like a fireman, it no longer means you will go without therapy during that time. Of course, telemental healthcare is especially important for those with a disability that makes traveling a challenge.

2. Countering the stigma

We’ve come a long way, but the stigma of therapy can still exist for some. Even today, individuals can face family or work pressure surrounding their choice to seek therapy. Scheduling a location other than a therapist’s office may provide privacy and peace of mind.

3. It may coincide with your specific needs

You may, for example, be seeking therapy due to depression or severe social anxiety. These circumstances quite possibly could make it daunting for you to commit to a regular appointment outside your home. “Teletherapy,” in such cases, is an ideal entry point for moving towards recovery.

How to Connect with an Online Therapist

Telemental healthcare is a relatively new approach. As touched on above, it has unique requirements. Therefore, those seeking to try this method must choose carefully. Equally so, tele-therapists must wisely discern which patients are best able to adapt to the video platform. To learn more, and perhaps get started in the realm of telemental healthcare, contact Healing Happens Therapy for a free consultation.

Filed Under: balance, calm, communication, couples counseling, depression, divorce, family, goals, health, healthy relationship, infidelity, men's couseling, new years resolutions, parenting, purpose, reframe, self care, self help, self love, stress, therapy, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How to Set Expectations for Valentine’s Day

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How to Set Expectations for Valentine's Day // healinghappenstherapy.com

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! It’s a fun holiday to shower our family, friends and significant others with love and appreciation.

However, some people set extremely high expectations on what should happen on this day, and then later are left feeling disappointed when things didn’t go quite according to their plans. They imagined a fairytale romantic day, but instead got a watered down version that wasn’t as exciting as they thought it would be.

A few years back, there was a study done where Facebook status updates were analyzed, and it showed that right before and right after Valentine’s Day there were spikes of breakups.

So why is it that couples are more likely to breakup around this time of year? It may be due to their expectations.

How the Inner Critic Can Ruin This Holiday

Don’t let the pressure of the holiday get inside your mind. The Inner Critic can be a cruel, harsh voice in our heads. It can heighten our insecurities and bring up questions that were never there before. It can ruin Valentine’s Day for people by:

  • Making them doubt themselves
  • Questioning their relationship
  • Attacking their partner
  • Destroying the romance

Don’t let internal struggles ruin time with your companion this year or sabotage the day. Look within to figure out what is making you feel so insecure. Ask those difficult questions. Is there a deeper issue that needs to be worked on? Are there past situations that you never dealt with? If so, then take the next steps, like speaking with a professional therapist. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland can help to begin the healing process.

How to Set Expectations for Valentine’s Day

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, some people want the works: attention, gifts, flowers, chocolates, cards, jewelry, trips, homemade thought out items, etc. But how realistic are these notions of expressing our love?

Another study found that couples that had positive expectations going into a relationship were more likely to face disappointment and problems in their relationship later down the road. While having a good mindset going into a relationship can be beneficial when it improves behavior and circumstances, having too high of expectations can be very damaging if things don’t work out the way one person expected them to.

Here are some things a couple can do before Valentine’s Day arrives to set themselves up for success:

Communicate with each other.

Don’t watch the days pass by, getting closer to the holiday without any ideas on what you want to do together. By discussing a plan-of-action and knowing what each person wants to do will help to take a lot of the pressure off. Be sure to express feelings, concerns or fears going into the holiday. If money is tight, then talk about ways you can afford to celebrate and still enjoy the day.

Head into the holiday with appropriate expectations.

Often people feel disappointed when their expectations are not met. As you discuss ideas with your partner, let them know what you’re expecting, but be realistic. It’s easy to get caught up and daydream about lavish dates that you see on TV or posts on social media, but don’t let those cloud your vision of reality. Maybe you can’t afford the Hornblower Cruises’ Romantic Valentine’s Day cruise around the bay, but you can rent some romcoms or old romantic movies, order in your favorite food and spend the evening together on the couch. It’s the time with each other that matters the most, and how you make that time special. You are worth more than just “it’s the thought that counts,” just make sure the thought is specific for you and your lifestyle and income and situation.

Don’t put a ton of pressure on the other person.

With everything else that may be going on in our busy lives, stressing over this holiday shouldn’t be at the top of our lists. And if your significant other is busy on February 14th, is sick or just in some kind of mood and doesn’t want to celebrate, then provide that flexibility for them and schedule another date night on the calendar. Show compassion and support for them just by allowing yourself to understand where they are at in that moment. Remember, not everyone gets mushy over this holiday or even remembers it, but if it’s important to you, and you have talked about it with your partner previously, then you know you’ve done your best, and life just got in the way this time. Don’t take it personally.

Worry more about what you’re giving than what you’re getting.

If you and your partner decide to give gifts this year, focus more on what you’re giving or making for them than worrying about what you’re getting. This will shift your attention from yourself to your loved one, and then you can concentrate even harder on making the day even more special for them. Studies have shown that people get more pleasure out of doing things for others than themselves.

4 Easy, Simple Ways to Express Your Love

Once expectations have been set, now is the time to think about what you’re going to do to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Here are a few simple ways to show the other person how much you love them while keeping realistic expectations.

  1. Create new traditions with each other. Traditions aren’t just for the big holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Couples can also start doing things together every year and make it special so they look forward to it each Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s baking red velvet cupcakes, getting a couple’s massage, eating at your favorite restaurant, buying your favorite bottle of wine and exchanging homemade cards, or simply just taking a walk through Joaquin Miller Park. Get create and start your own new traditions.
  1. Ditch the “normal” routine and spice things up a bit by throwing in some curves. It can get boring doing the same things over and over. Do something different neither of you have done before, try new things, go to new places and explore. These exciting, new experiences will also help to release oxytocin (aka the love hormone) in the brain, which has the effect of bonding you to the other person. You’ll feel closer than ever and build an even stronger relationship.
  1. Go the extra mile and give something that has special meaning to your companion. When thinking about what to do for your companion, be sure to put yourself in their shoes and focus on their wants and desires, not yours. What may sound like a perfect gift to you may not mean the same thing to them. So think about what would make the other person happy, put a smile on their face or fill them with excitement. Be sensitive to their feelings and interests. The reward will be so much fulfilling for you to see the joy on their face.
  1. Express your gratitude. Some swept up in the materialism of Valentine’s Day, but what it really comes down to is being grateful for the love ones in our lives. Take a moment to express your gratitude to your partner, family and friends. Let them know how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate them. There are people out there who are not fortunate enough to have a community of loved ones around them. Close your eyes for a few minutes and allow all the wonderful memories and moments you’ve had with your family and friends over the past year to surface, relive those experiences, and then acknowledge your gratitude for them.

Have fun this Valentine’s Day and remember, it’s not about the giving or the getting, it’s about the loving!

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, gratitude, love, romance Tagged With: , , ,

How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members

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How to Establish Boundaries with Pesky Family Members // healinghappenstherapy.com

Healthy relationships are based on physical and emotional boundaries. Knowing when and how to set boundaries with others is a skill that must be learned. Unfortunately, some of us are never taught this valuable skill.

When we know and understand what our limits are, we can be rest assured that we’re establishing healthy boundaries. However, some people are scared of setting boundaries for fear of hurting other people’s feeling or because they’ve experienced some negative reactions, like getting yelled at, getting in trouble or being “black listed” as a “trouble maker.”

Although establishing boundaries can sometimes be a hard thing to know how to do, it’s also not fair for anyone to feel helpless or scared or “walked on,” being taken advantage of or having their privacy invaded.  You deserve to feel great in relation to others. Learning how to stand up for ourselves and let those intruding in our lives, especially those pesky family members, know that we need space and that we have boundaries, will help your comfort levels in the end.

Signs That You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Knowing when to set boundaries with others and yourself can be hard to tell on your own. Often, it’s not a self-witnessing event.  It can look more like others telling you that they need their space or you are bonding too quickly.

However, there are signs that can reveal how unhealthy the relationship you’re in truly is. They can be hard to recognize but in doing so, you’re acknowledging your own emotional issues. This can be scary for many people but it means that you can start to change not only your unhealthy relationship with the other person, but also with yourself. This will bring attention towards building a healthier relationship with the other person.

Here are five signs that suggest your relationship (and perhaps yourself) need some attention:

  1. Happiness or contentment, as well as self-esteem, are based solely off the relationship.
  2. Other relationships are neglected because of the compulsion to be in that relationship.
  3. There is an extreme need, fear or anxiety to want to fix problems when conflict or disagreements arise in the relationship.
  4. An interdependent emotional connection is created and feelings are absorbed by each other. When one person feels angry, upset or anxious, then the other person feels angry, upset or anxious.
  5. The connection is so strong with the other person that when they are away or unable to communicate with, the person feels extreme loneliness, which causes an irrational need to reconnect.

Why You Need to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a separation between two things. For example, walls and fences would be examples of material boundaries. However, relational boundaries are quite different.

When two people connect, boundaries separate them and help to distinguish each person’s unique identity from each other. The closer the relationship, like with a parent or sibling or other family member, the harder it can be to recognize or establish boundaries with one another.

Nevertheless, it’s important for a person to live their own way of life. By setting boundaries, they are teaching their loved ones how to treat them. A line must be drawn so the person feels safe. If a family member steps over the line, then the relationship can start to become enmeshed.

Each person should take responsibility for their own actions for the relationship to work properly. It can be difficult to figure out what belongs to you and what belongs to your loved one, but if you can determine how to sort things out, then the communication will be much stronger and each person will know what to attend to.

For example, there is certain information a parent can share with their child, like telling them how much they are loved and how proud of them they are, and certain details that they should refrain from expressing to them, like private confidences, marital problems and sexual intimacy.

If boundaries need to change within a family dynamic, it can be challenging to re-draw that line, but it must be done to keep everyone content. The best way to do this is to keep the lines of communication open, be honest and keep practicing this skill with each other.

How to Set Boundaries with Family Members

When the time is realized that change needs to happen with the family and new boundaries need to be set or just established in general if they never were, here are some tips to keep in mind:

  • Start with small boundaries. Discuss little things that can be done by both parties and avoid accusing or judging each other. Express love for one another but try not to point out what someone did wrong. Each person needs to be sure to follow through with what they said they are going to do, which creates a space for respect and care.
  • Take time for self-care. When a person is too involved in the relationship, it’s a good idea for them to start spending time alone, connecting with others, like friends or co-workers, taking up new hobbies or doing things that they have a passion for. They need to learn that they can still be happy without the other person. They will have more time to work on parts of their life that make them feel needy, insecure and unhealthy.
  • Know your own boundaries. If a person isn’t sure what their boundaries are, then it will be hard to communicate them to others. Take time to look within and determine what makes you feel comfortable, safe and happy. What are you willing to accept and tolerate? Identify those feelings so you can express them.
  • Allow yourself to have boundaries. Some people may feel uncomfortable telling a family member “no” even though they are already stretched too thin, or feel like they are being taken advantage of but too fearful to speak up. However, to give yourself permission to even have boundaries is practicing self-respect and building a stronger relationship.
  • Seek help from an expert. When the conversation just isn’t moving things forward or people are having a difficult time expressing their feelings, it may be time to speak with a professional. Healing Happens Therapy in Oakland offers assistance to couples or families by bringing emotions to the surface and helping everyone establish their boundaries.

Remember, trust and friendship are earned overtime and are not automatic. Often, you might feel drained or overwhelmed. Check to make sure you are balancing taking care of yourself and others.

Filed Under: arguing, balance, communication, couples counseling, family, healthy relationship Tagged With: , , , , ,

5 Ways to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy

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5 Ways to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy // healinghappenstherapy.com

If you’re walking around with your partner around Lake Merritt in Oakland and an attractive man or woman glances over at them and smiles and your partner smiles back, you may feel a twinge of jealousy. It’s normal and very natural to feel these feelings.

However, when someone allows jealousy to overtake their mind and creep into every aspect of their life, then they may have problems dealing with this emotion. It can even damage their relationships if they act on their jealous thoughts. It can leave many people feeling very bitter or angry towards their significant other.

Why People Become Jealous

Some people compare themselves to others these days, especially when scanning through social media posts, where we see more intimate details of people’s lives. It’s easy to think others’ lives are much easier, better and more fulfilling than our own. They may see someone else’s strengths, lifestyle, relationship, and successes as a threat, and only see the negative in their own life. This can trigger feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy enough or bring insecurities to the surface.

However, most jealousy happens in romantic relationships. There may be a lack of trust between each other. One person may have experienced betrayal in the past from another ex-partner and now has trust issues with their current partner. Or, one person may have done something to the other that offended or upset them and now they can’t trust their partner.

When two people decide to be in a relationship with each other or agree to monogamy, they are essentially creating a verbal contract between one another. When someone does something that breaks that “contract,” conflict and jealousy can ensue, especially if the couple never defined the value of their “agreement.” This breach of trust can cause a person to react in a jealous manner.

When someone does not feel like they have value or contributes value to the relationship, they might feel unworthy or simply can’t recognize their own strengths and attributes.  It is then that jealousy can arise. This person may think they just aren’t good enough and someone else may be better suited for their companion. They have a fear that their loved one may want to look for a replacement or feel that their cherished connection is being threatened.

The critical voices in our heads can lead us to such deep brooding feelings of jealousy.  They can foster feelings of self-doubt and instill a level of of criticism that keeps people from feeling truly lovable. When we formulate these fantasies about what we think is going on, we’re really confusing ourselves with what is actually going on. We confuse reality with fantasy and only see what we want to see, which isn’t always the truth or real.

How Jealousy Can Be Harmful to Relationships

When you’re sharing your life with someone, you’re building a level of trust with them. But when you think something is going on behind your back, it’s easy to start a fight, accuse the other person of betraying you or break your commitment to them.

Paranoia is a side effect of jealousy and can lead to terrible consequences. When a person in the relationship starts to take action on their feelings, and it’s not done in the right way, things can start to get ugly. It’s wise to stop, take a deep breath and check in on things with yourself first.

Find out why these jealous feelings are surfacing. Here are some questions to ask:

  • Was something breached by your partner?
  • Can you talk to them about it?
  • Can you focus your attention inward to see why you’re feeling this way?
  • How are you viewing your own levels of self-worth and personal values?
  • Why do you feel like you are being threatened emotionally?
  • Is something stirring from the past that hasn’t been deal with yet?

When a person directs critical thoughts inward and believes these thoughts, they can start to disrupt the connection with their partner. A couple that once was strong may now become weak because of the person’s insecurities getting in the way of the relationship and mores other relationship with the Self. Suddenly the couple is dealing with a lot of drama and conflict. This will threaten the relationship and cause a rift to form between the two people.

How to Overcome and Deal with Jealousy

It is possible to overcome and deal with jealousy issues.

  1. Evaluate the emotions stirring inside. Reflect back on your past for a moment and see if there are any lingering negative emotions that still need to be dealt with. Maybe there was a traumatizing event that happened to you and you never learned how to cope with it; therefore, those thoughts and feelings will be brought into your relationship.  If there aren’t any past emotional issues that are obvious to deal with, then find out why there is this internal conflict happening and do some self-study. Practicing mindfulness will help to calm your racing thoughts and runaway emotions.
  1. Define your own boundaries. Decide what feels right to you and what level of interactions feel safe. This will help you to recover your personal power so you are able to gain more control over your emotions and refrain from acting in a reactive manner. Identify what triggers such strong emotions within and what core beliefs are being used.
  1. Learn how to communicate your boundaries with your partner. Open communication is key to any relationship. Sit down with each other and calmly discuss the issues that are arising within you. If you need the other person to be honest with you, then tell them. Express what you need from them to work through these problems.
  1. Never stop asking for what you need. If jealousy pops up in the moment, learn how to take care of yourself. Figure out what you need to do for you. But you should also learn how to observe and accept your jealous feelings as it’s part of being human. But when you feel like you want to take action on those feelings, stop for a moment and decide if you’re acting on made-up beliefs or reality. Remember that no one has to obey or follow through on poor behavior due to their jealous thoughts.

5. Seek counseling. When intense feelings of jealousy are jeopardizing the relationship, it may be time to seek professional help. Healing Happens Therapy helps to guide couples into a space where they can openly and honestly speak about their feelings and emotions. Jealousy can feel very lonely but with the help and support of a therapist and your loved one, you can overcome it.

Filed Under: arguing, couples, couples counseling, self care, self help, self love Tagged With: , ,

How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner

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How to Become Simply Irresistible to Your Partner // healinghappenstherapy.com

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or have been married for 20 years, you still want to keep that spark alive between you and your partner.  Passion can fade, turn dull and boring or become so predictable that you lose interest in the other person. However, the great thing is, you can turn things around in your relationship and increase that passion you once had or better yet, create brand new passion.

But first, think back to the time when you and your partner first started dating. It was new; it was exciting; it was full of heat. You probably felt your heart beating faster, your breath becoming heavier and your stomach flip-flopping anticipating their next move. You felt confident, beautiful, sexy and irresistible to them.

It’s time to feel that way again by doing two important things that will have you finding you and your partner irresistible once again.

Show Your Confidence

Have you ever been around someone that exudes confidence and just feels grounded in who they are? They know what they want and who they are, and it shows.  It’s magnetic. How do you get it?

Confidence is not about bragging what you have or what you’ve done. Being confident is about living your own life, on your own healthy terms. It’s about having a felt sense of your own inner wisdom, your right to be authentic and real and unapologetic for it.

You can ignore the naysayers of life, no passing judgment on yourself or others and be the truest form of Self that you can be.  The people you surround yourself with support you and your goals and dreams; they don’t stand in your way.  You like to dream big and take actions towards achieving those things.

When you feel good about who you are and love yourself unconditionally, then you are able to express that love to others. You are investing your heart and soul into yourself and also someone you’re passionate about, and they can feel that love, too.

Confident people tend to be more optimistic and think positively because they are able to take on life as it comes to them. They still get scared and have fear, but they also have a support system of folks cheering them on.  That support helps when obstacles are thrown their way. They can react calmly and take control of the situation and make successful adaptations.

When you feel good about yourself, others around you begin to feel good about themselves. It’s like a ripple effect.

Here are three ways to help boost your confidence:

  • Excel at things you’re good at, like your favorite hobbies. Success produces confidence, so invest in yourself and make time for the things you love to do. You don’t need to boast about your accomplishments, but just have personal awareness of them to raise your confidence.
  • Good self care: Feel better. Figure out what that means for you. Fresh air every day? Organizing your home? Moving your body? Processing your feelings by heading to therapy? Pick a few and make them stick.
  • Enhance your skills or weak areas to feel better about yourself. When you see how you’ve improved, you’ll begin to think more highly of yourself and your self-esteem will increase. You’ll have more pride in yourself and your work.

Show Interest in Your Partner’s World

It’s not always about you. When you show interest in your partner, you’re showing them that you are really interested in their world. You care about their likes, dislikes, philosophies, hobbies and interests. Head out and do fun activities together around Oakland and connect even more with each other. Get creative, compromise and even find yourself doing something you wouldn’t normally choose. You’ll create a thicker bond.

Relationships are about connecting to one another on much deeper levels as well, especially if you’re spending your life with someone. This can be crucial to a long-term couple. You must be mindful of each other and take the time to really get to know the other person. It’s not always what you do together but how you interact when you’re around each other.

When you express concern or interest towards them, you are allowing yourself to step aside and learning to dive into the other person’s world. Every day we’re responding or failing to respond, consciously or unconsciously, to our partner’s need for connection. Sometimes, it’s the day-to-day life and the little things that matter most. They might just want to know that you care.

People like to feel validated. When you ask the other person questions about their thoughts and feelings, you’re being with them in that moment, respecting their experiences and validating how they are thinking and feeling. You don’t always have to agree, just make space for them, show respect. You are able to get a glimpse of their world and see things through their perspective. It’s a way to show your understanding and acceptance of them just as they are. This sharing helps your partner to feel less stressed, upset, or vulnerable.

When couples share their innermost desires, thoughts and real feelings with each other, they become stronger together. They build up their levels of trust and intimacy, which creates longer lasting relationships.

Here are some ways to validate and show interest in your partner:

  • Practice mindful listening, where you fully pay attention to your companion, turning off all electronic devices and giving your undivided attention to them. Try to hold back your judgements and reactions to what they are saying. And, try to prevent yourself from attempting to fix, solve, advise or help the situation. Just listen.
  • When you see each other again in the evenings, ask how their day was and allow them to share their experiences with you.
  • Take time to sit down and talk periodically, asking open-ended questions to dive deeper into their stream of thought, hopes, fears and feelings. It can feel gratifying for them when they talk further about what they are thinking or feeling.

There are many ways to keep the spark alive in your marriage or relationship. It takes a bit of work and effort, but the payoff is so worth it to see that smile on their face and to hear how much they still love you after all these years and appreciate everything you do for them.

If you need more help in your relationship, Healing Happens Therapy can work with you and your partner to rebuild what you may have lost or work through any problems.

 

Filed Under: couples, couples counseling, get your sexy back, healthy relationship, love Tagged With: , , , ,

Blending Families? Why Premarital Counseling is So Very Important

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Blended (2)You’re in love again. And it’s good. Good enough to get married again.

But this time, you’re not just joining your life to your partner’s, and riding into an Oakland sunset.

You’ve got kids with minds, emotions, and loyalties of their own to weigh before you say “I do.”

Statistics show that 60 percent of blended families endure divorce a second time.

Not in your house. You’re willing to do whatever it takes. (chest bump!*)

What does it take?

Preliminary counseling. It’s vital for addressing the needs of the life ahead.

Premarital counseling is wise preparation for a wealth of challenges you may or may not recognize. Consider the issues your blended family may face:

  1. Adjusting home base: Blending your families usually means significant change for everyone. The security of home may be disrupted as schools, neighborhoods, and proximity to loved ones shifts.
  2. Child push-back: Your kids may not be as happy about your union as you are.
  3. Putting rules and discipline into practice: Setting and enforcing family expectations amid the emotional upheaval, adjusted living arrangements, new sibling relationships, and a host of practical matters is extremely challenging.
  4. Navigating child/ stepparent interaction: Relationship bonding happens as trust develops over time and will be impacted by perceptions of fairness, consideration, and respect for each other.
  5. Setting boundaries regarding people connected to previous relationships: Limits for extended family and friends connected to past marriages or relationships will be necessary to protect your new blended unit and marriage.
  6. Negotiating interactions with your exes: Divorce agreements and  co-parenting can present significant challenges to your marital and blended family relationships, on a regular basis.

Premarital counseling helps set the scene for healthy bonding, communication and conflict resolution in the following ways:

  • Counseling provides time and space to reflect and get real about your pasts. Any “old business” and unproductive relationship patterns should be examined and settled before committing to each other.
  • Counseling offers a forum to verbally lay out family matters like money, discipline, faith, and relationship boundaries. With the guidance of a counselor, you can deal with discrepancies in expectation, and discuss how ground rules will be communicated to your blended family members, extended family, and former partners or co-parents.
  • Counseling allows you and your partner dedicated opportunities to focus on your relationship needs. Together you can work to strengthen and develop your bond, both inside and outside of your new blended family.

Premarital counseling provides a variety of ongoing benefits that help smooth the way for  a healthy, happy future for your blended family:

  • Healthy adaptation. Learning to recognize, and anticipate, the differences in your viewpoints and preferences as a couple will help you better prepare for, and manage, problems in your larger family unit.
  • Productive communication habits. Counseling fosters helpful, supportive communication that helps manage emotions and conflict, while still honoring your bond — a skill that will need to be employed repeatedly, as you settle into your new normal.
  • Incompatibility issues. Though it may be hard to do, it is crucial that you allow a counselor to help you examine the whole relationship, especially areas of incompatibility. Facing your relationship realities before committing to marriage is vital. Counseling can objectively help you work through hard issues, to help determine where you stand.

Premarital counseling is an investment in your life together, the wedding gift that gives for a lifetime. Let it help you make love last, and build a new set of connections that enhance and enrich the relationships you bring along with you. By securing your bond and purpose early, you’ll be less likely to fracture when your blended family is tested.

Filed Under: couples, couples counsleing, divorce, goals, healthy relationship Tagged With: , , , , ,

Romance is simply creativity, so get those creative juices flowing!

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I was talking to my father last weekend on the phone. The usual transpired, “what are you doing”, “how are you,” I asked him what he was doing for his wife for Valentine’s day.  He said “Nothing, I don’t know what to do.”  Still in his 60’s he’s stumped at romance.  Here’s some help:

1. Creativity doesn’t have to mean working rally hard. Keep it simple. Think of things you don’t do everyday like Write a love note (when was the last time you got something in writing instead of on some kind of screen?) and for bonus points then hide the note somewhere your partner will be surprised to find it, like the medicine cabinet or under the pillow.  This creates a surprise factor, something out of the ordinary and expresses some kind of feeling. Check , check and check!

2. Use your senses. Cant figure out what to do?  Pick a category (taste, touch, hear, smell, sight).  Nothing says playful like a blindfold and some fruit!

3. Knowing something personal about your partner and using that in some creative way is one of the best romantic gigs.  Do they like to hike? Set up a picnic before hand, and when you come around the bend, Surprise! its all set up.

Romance doesn’t have to cost money. Being creative doesn’t have to be hard. Romance is so very necessary and foundational in a well oiled relationship.  Now I have to go call my Dad and see that he followed through!

Filed Under: couples, creativity, healthy relationship, love, playfulness, romance Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The month for love, are YOU my Valentine?

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Is he the one? Does she still light your fire? Feeling sluggish on the love front? Not connecting like you used to? Come and check out my Love Series for couples this month. 6 sessions built around rekindling, repairing and growing together in love.  Come in and get your groove on (after you get home!) by learning how to ask for what you need, learning how to receive the nurturing you desire and to build a foundation for a steamy future! www.healinghappenstherapy.com

Filed Under: couples counseling, is he the one, is she the one, sex therapy, sexual intimacy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

How to avoid filing for divorce- three times!?

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This looks rough:  http://www.eonline.com/news/618545/james-caan-files-for-divorce-from-his-wife-for-the-third-time-in-10-years.  What is going on in your relationship when you are not sure about the commitment you have made?  What happened to your your desire for one another?  What made you fall in love with them in the first place? What can you take responsibility for? Start by feeling sure about your self and your connection to your partner.   Test these things out and see what turns up:

1. Touch your partner. When they walk by graze their arm, when they come home give them a long kiss. When you sit and relax, cuddle.  Have you ever tried to argue while holding hands? Believe me its a MUCH different conversation that it would be without touching.

2. Tell them WHAT you love about them, not just “I love you.”  Get sure about it, remind yourself why you chose to be committed to them, what makes you laugh about them or what makes the different from others?  Be specific, and watch to see if things re kindle.

3. When things get too tough to handle, let someone else lead. Come and see me!  www.healinghappenstherapy.com  Get into couples counseling and invest in getting on with the rest of your life.  Find the tools you need to move on and live to the fullest.

Filed Under: communication, couples counsleing, divorce, sex, therapy, touching Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Sex talk?

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“My husband never touches me anymore” or  “my wife will never have sex with me”  or “I’m always the one having to initiate sex,” sound familiar?  What is it really like in your bedroom?  Sex is everywhere in the media but how does it translate into your own home?

Most people feel out of balance in this jam packed busy world of ours and loose the opportunity to connect.  We forget how to, or get stuck in some depleting routine that doesn’t serve us or our partners.  Sex is, among other things, merely another way to communicate.  If you are having trouble communicating, you bet your sex life isn’t that great either.  These two are inexorably connected in a relationship.

If your sex life could talk, what would it say?

  • Both partners get a piece of paper
  • Each write down how they think the other initiates sex non verbally
  • Match up and see if your cues are being see and heard the right way
  • Go try out some non verbal communication!

Then, come and see me here in Oakland at www.healinghappenstherapy.com!

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counseling, romance, sex, sexual intimacy, therapy Tagged With: , , , , , , ,