Healing Happens Therapy

you can heal, we can help.

Relationship & Intimacy Expert, reconnecting couples through counseling so you can rebuild and get on with the best parts of being in a relationship!

Certified Nutritional Advisor and Professional Life Coach, helping motivated people take back their health, reach their goals and integrate a sense of balance in their lives.

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Talking About Sex vs. Mind Reading — 5 Reasons Why Talking is Best

June 24, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

lady bug sex 1It’s no secret that the sex life you and your partner share plays a big role in how happy, safe, and loved you feel in your relationship. There’s even more to the story of sex than feeling physically good. Sex is a (very enjoyable) ritual of connection, drawing you and your partner into each other’s world.

So when it comes to twisting the sheets with your spouse, don’t be shy—talk about it! If you commit to being open with your partner about how you’re feeling in the bedroom, navigating a sometimes tricky subject can open you up to greater intimacy, not conflict (phew!*).

If you’re unsure or afraid of talking about sex, and usually find yourself mind reading instead, here are five great reasons to change tactics.

1. Mind reading won’t give you answers.

When it comes to figuring out what your partner likes in bed, talking gives you answers, while mind-reading yields guesses. If you’re not talking about sex, and jump to conclusions instead, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios can overwhelm you. You could start to feel really alone in your relationship or frustrated that you are not getting what you need. Talking about sex helps you avoid mistaking assumptions for truth.

2. Talking opens you up to another kind of intimacy.

Romantic intimacy is all about vulnerability. Part of the reason sex can so powerfully connect you to your partner is that it requires opening up, and accepting your partner’s vulnerability too. You might be more comfortable seducing your partner than talking about how, when, and why you do it, as touch can sometimes feel safer than words. But by sharing your vulnerable feelings, intimacy becomes even deeper.

So talk about it—how do you feel when your partner touches you? What would you like to do more of? Talking reinforces that your shared sex life is a relationship, not just an occasional meeting.

3. Your partner can still surprise you.

It might seem like after all these years, you know how to push your partner’s buttons, when to push them, and for how long. You might have a bedroom routine or even that is gone now. Sometimes you try to spice things up to keep the spark alive, but the spice you add often becomes awkward too. Or, maybe you feel like you’ve learned everything there is to know about the person who shares your bed.

In truth, your partner’s needs and preferences can change over time. They might want something in bed they never considered until now. The only way to take the temperature of your partner’s desires is to ask.

4. When you talk about sex, both of your needs are on the table.

If you’re unhappy with how things have been playing out in the bedroom, you can start to feel disconnected—like maybe your partner doesn’t understand you. If you’re tight-lipped about the tension, all the things you’re feeling build up. “This isn’t fair,” you might think, after your partner denies your advances a few times in a row.

When you talk about sex, both of your needs are out in the open. You might learn that your partner simply needs a different kind of foreplay to feel interested. You might surprise your partner with what turns you on too.

5. Talking is proactive.

If your sex life is feeling a little tense, talking about it can add fuel to frustrated fires. If you talk about sex when things are good, you set the stage for working together when things get tough. Talking about how you’re feeling prevents miscommunication from coming between you and your partner. So get out there and get busy!

Filed Under: couples counseling, Oakland, purpose, romance, sex, sexual intimacy Tagged With: Couples, healing, oakland, sex, therapy

Life coaching: Looking for balance in your life? Here’s a bit about what I know

April 10, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

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My perfect “health day.” Find below the ins and outs of my day from diet & exercise to mental  & spiritual.  I’m nothing but thorough, but I’m not perfect either.  Try your best, and look to make your own day to day life more healthy, and keep some balance.

Morning:
~Meditate 10 min (Yes, even with an 18 month old, I bought ear plugs and Husband takes over. Its 10 minutes people, you can do it!)
~Face “meds” and sunscreen (I used to struggle with horrible acne until I after gave birth, but I still use a lighter version of it and aging products too)
~Stretch (baby loves to do this with, me it hilarious.)
~Vega One chocolate shake with vitamins (Shake ingredients: 1/4 cup of water, one banana, 1/4 cup of frozen berries, one scoop of Vega.) This shake gives me all my veggies I need for the day- yes I said veggies. It’s also packed with protein and all the other wonderful stuff you need.
The vitamins that I take in general are: Multivitamin (Womans ultra mega), probiotic, omega 3, chewable baby asprin (good maintenance for the heart) and a folic acid (good for second baby prep!) Taking them with the shake helps me remember and its easier with a thick drink rather than water.
~Next breakfast a few hours later: Egg with sprouted protein bread, (its quick, easy, and healthy)
Afternoon:
~Baby’s nap time: Elliptical time, and catch up on my recorded shows simultaneously. If nap is super long, I’ll throw in some Marketing work for my business then too.
~Get sunshine. (Great mental/ emotional booster, deep breaths and warm sun. Most of the time I’m out and about with the baby at Oakland or Berkeley parks anyways but I make sure I leave the house each day, even is it a walk around the block and I’m feeling like I don’t want to leave the house.)
~ Water 100 oz (Through the day I bring my 50 oz water bottle. Fill it up twice and then I know I’m done. Great for skin, and just health in general).
~Lunch: Salad with protein for lunch OR something completely different. HAHA! (This changes. I usually like a fresh light chicken salad but sometimes its french fry day. I just swap out a heavy meal for a light one at dinner.)
~If baby naps twice, I nap too! REST.
Evening:
~Baby to bed. Shower. (I do dry body brushing right before shower too. Towards the heart, great for the lymphatic system and skin.)
~Cook dinner. (We have a chef send us weekly menus and once a week we shop for all the ingredients together. They are all healthy and a huge variety. Its fun and then I know I have everything I need for the whole week already in the house. It’s great!)
~Marketing for Private Practice (Once a day for about 30 min to an hour, either now or at a long baby nap time)
~Roll my hair (Yes this is important! – for me at least. I don’t have time to look great, with hair and make up. When I can roll my hair at night and have it curly in the morning the way I like it, it’s done and I feel more beautiful and more put together- who doesn’t want that?)
~Bed by 10 pm, or earlier if hubby and I want to “snuggle!” (I love my sleep. I get about 9 to 10 hours each night.)

If you are looking for some help in getting your life together, call me for a free 15 minute consultation. 510-507-1763 or email me at kellymontgomerymft@gmail.com.  Visit my website for more tips!

Filed Under: balance, Berkeley, health, life coaching, Oakland, Uncategorized, vitamins Tagged With: balance, Berkeley, diet, exercise, health, life coaching, mental health, oakland, sex, spirituality

How to avoid filing for divorce- three times!?

January 27, 2015 by kellymontgomerymft

 

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This looks rough:  http://www.eonline.com/news/618545/james-caan-files-for-divorce-from-his-wife-for-the-third-time-in-10-years.  What is going on in your relationship when you are not sure about the commitment you have made?  What happened to your your desire for one another?  What made you fall in love with them in the first place? What can you take responsibility for? Start by feeling sure about your self and your connection to your partner.   Test these things out and see what turns up:

1. Touch your partner. When they walk by graze their arm, when they come home give them a long kiss. When you sit and relax, cuddle.  Have you ever tried to argue while holding hands? Believe me its a MUCH different conversation that it would be without touching.

2. Tell them WHAT you love about them, not just “I love you.”  Get sure about it, remind yourself why you chose to be committed to them, what makes you laugh about them or what makes the different from others?  Be specific, and watch to see if things re kindle.

3. When things get too tough to handle, let someone else lead. Come and see me!  www.healinghappenstherapy.com  Get into couples counseling and invest in getting on with the rest of your life.  Find the tools you need to move on and live to the fullest.

Filed Under: communication, couples counsleing, divorce, sex, therapy, touching Tagged With: communication, couples counseling, Divorce, file for divorce, filing for divorce, marriage therapy, save the marriage, self love, sex, touching

Sex talk?

October 15, 2014 by kellymontgomerymft

 

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“My husband never touches me anymore” or  “my wife will never have sex with me”  or “I’m always the one having to initiate sex,” sound familiar?  What is it really like in your bedroom?  Sex is everywhere in the media but how does it translate into your own home?

Most people feel out of balance in this jam packed busy world of ours and loose the opportunity to connect.  We forget how to, or get stuck in some depleting routine that doesn’t serve us or our partners.  Sex is, among other things, merely another way to communicate.  If you are having trouble communicating, you bet your sex life isn’t that great either.  These two are inexorably connected in a relationship.

If your sex life could talk, what would it say?

  • Both partners get a piece of paper
  • Each write down how they think the other initiates sex non verbally
  • Match up and see if your cues are being see and heard the right way
  • Go try out some non verbal communication!

Then, come and see me here in Oakland at www.healinghappenstherapy.com!

Filed Under: communication, couples, couples counseling, romance, sex, sexual intimacy, therapy Tagged With: better sex, couples counseling, couples therapy, initiate sex, learning about what he likes, sex, sex therapy, sexual intimacy

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Healing Happens Therapy
Kelly Montgomery, LMFT #82418
6333 Telegraph Ave, #200
Oakland CA, 94609

kelly@kellyjmontgomery.com
888-831-5221

* Kelly Montgomery now practices virtually only (online and phone). New clients may use the toll free number above and existing or returning clients may contact her local number via phone by downloading the “Whatsapp” application on your device.

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